


My songs know what you did in the winter.

by SpookyFaces



Series: Please lead me to the Promised Land [1]
Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: A little Brallon, ADHD, Bandom - Freeform, Being stuck sucks, Break Up, Car Accidents, Depression, Drunk Brendon, Everybody is cute I promise, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Peterick, Possible Character Death, Ryan maybe a dick tho, Ryden, Suicide Attempt, joshler - Freeform, or maybe not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2018-09-14 13:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 61
Words: 55,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9183844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyFaces/pseuds/SpookyFaces
Summary: 8 boys get stuck in the cableway cabin, in the middle of a nowhere. But this might not be as horrible as it seems. Josh may or may not have met the guy of his dreams and got himself a bunch of new friends. But not everybody is so happy about this whole situation. Some might want to punch the other one in the face. Or choke them to death. Is this the start of a great friendship (or something bigger) or beginning of the world war III?OrThe one where Brendon is a sexy snowboarder, Ryan's a sassy heartbreaker, Dallon's pathetically in love, Tyler's sad but has Josh by his side, Mikey is always sleeping on the couch and Gee's being a squad-mom. It's sadder than it seems.





	1. Hey Moon

There was something really special about skiing. Something, that Josh was never able to understand or explain. The speed alway brought a feeling of freedom to him. Mountains always felt like home. That’s why he never skipped a season, he always traveled hundreds of kilometers just to ski all week. He shook his head slightly, to get rid of the snow from his hair and put on the beanie. Then he grabbed his skis and approached the cableway cabins, which were going up to the mountains. He looked around. A tall boy was standing near him. He was wearing bright colored winter clothes, which were obviously too expensive for Josh to even touch. He had a helmet on, huge skiing glasses and a mask. There was not even an inch of his skin showing off. He was holding a blue snowboard with some strange ornaments. Josh always thought that snowboarders were real savages. He always wanted to try snowboarding, but was too scared to break his neck. Finally, it was his turn to get into the cabin, so he stepped in and sat down in the corner. The snowboarder he was looking at also stepped in and sat across him. A cabin could accommodate up to 8 persons each. So 6 other people followed the guy. Josh tried to examine each of them without looking creepy. The boy,that sat next to him had a bright read hair sticking out from his beanie and his hands were shaking from the cold. He was not wearing a mask or glasses, so Josh noticed how long his eyelashes were. In fact, the boy was really beautiful. A guy next to him looked really tiny and thin. Big, dark glasses were covering almost half of his face. He had earphones on, music so loud that everybody in the cabin could hear it. But of course, nobody commented anything on it. Then,in front of him there was a couple,definitely a couple. Holding hands, glancing at each other every 10 seconds. Josh couldn’t see their faces because both of them were wearing masks, but he could swear they were smiling at each other. Josh rolled his eyes annoyed and looked out of the window, he decided to leave the rest alone, he did not really care who they were. The cabin was moving really slowly and they almost reached the middle of the cableway when suddenly, a cabin swinged to the side, nearly falling down. Almost everyone in the cabin gasped loudly,somebody even screamed. Josh shut his eyes, he couldn’t breath. Finally, they heard a loud crash and the cabin stopped moving. They were stuck. In them middle, the highest point of the cableway.

“What the hell?!” - The guy with a red hair jumped on his feet and looked down.

“I..Think we’re stuck.” - A tiny guy said quietly and took out the earphones. His voice was so small and high-pitched Josh barely heard him. But, for some reason. he sounded cute. Really cute.

“Well, thank you captain obvious, we can see that.” - Somebody mumbled. 

Suddenly, the speakers which were located in the far corner of the cabin squeaked, and after a moment they heard a loud voice of the man:

“Uh.. Yes, hello. We are really sorry for this whole..situation. We have a problem with electricity and uh.. We will not be able to turn the cableway on for the next..hours? But don’t worry, the help is on it’s way. We will try to get you all down. It will be really hard to do with the 2-3 cabins on the highest point, but for the rest - there is no need to worry. Sorry once again, we will return all the money and get all of you a free ticket for tomorrow. Thanks and uh.. sorry again.” 

After that, the cabin went silent. Everybody was shocked, Josh guessed. Finally, the snowboarder next to him snapped: 

“They’re fucking with us, right? This can’t be really happening. I mean, we are stuck in the middle of the nowhere, fucking 20 meters above the ground!” - He took of the mask and glasses, and Josh could finally see his face. He had dark eyes, bushy eyebrows and full lips. He was fucking handsome. Josh realized he would probably fuck the half of this cabin, including the red-hair and that tiny guy,even though he couldn’t see his face properly. 

“Maybe it’s some kind of a prank?” - The guy from the “couple” spoke up.

“I really doubt that.” - The snowboarder answered and sighed. “Well, I think we’re stuck here for the next hour,at least so.. I’m Brendon. And uh.. I’m a snowboarder, obviously. I love snow and I fucking regret coming here today.” - His harsh tone suddenly changed into friendly one, goofy smile was drawn on his face.

“I’m Gerard.” - A read-hair mumbled. He caught Brendon’s curious gaze and rolled his eyes. “Okay, I came here to ski and drink some hot chocolate, you know in the bar up there.” - He pointed towards the mountain. “You really have to try it, it’s magical."

“What about you?” - Brendon looked at the guys next to him.

“Oh,I’m Pete. And this is Patrick, my boyfriend.” - Oh, so both of the couple were guys. Gay-couple. Nice, so Josh was not the only homosexual in this cabin. Why did it feel so good? “We have an anniversary, 3 years. Decided to celebrate it here, in the mountains. And now we’re stuck.”

“How cute is that!! Congrats, Pete and Patrick!” - Brendon did not sound sincere, but Pete still nodded and thanked him. “So, next?” 

The tiny guy was next. The quiet one, shy one, probably. He flinched.

“I’m.. I’m Tyler. This is my first year here, my first year of skiing and stuff. I probably should have stayed inside my house..” - He took of the glasses and Josh realized that THIS was the person he wanted to fuck most. Even though Brendon was beautiful and masculine, Tyler was.. something out of this world. His sad eyes were looking down now, lips slightly parted and cheeks were getting redder that Gerard’s hair. Oh, this boy was really pretty.

“Hey, you?” - Josh was snapped out of his thoughts and Brendon pushed him slightly. 

“Oh, yeah, hi. I’m Josh. I love skiing, I mean I love the feeling it brings to me. And I’m gay..Oh fuck, why did I just say this?” - Josh mentally slapped himself.

“Don’t worry, buddy. I am bi for example, and our “P-couple” is defiantly gay too. So it’s fine.” - Brendon patted his shoulder. "Who’s next?” 

“I guess me?” - A guy in the far corner spoke up. “I’m Ryan. I’m a photographer, I just decided to go up there to find some beautiful spots to take photos.” - Ryan was the only one of them not wearing a skiing clothes. Brendon smiled at Ryan.

“I always thought photographers were hot. Now I’m know it is true.” - Ryan blushed slightly and started examining his fingers, trying to avoid Brendon’s gaze. 

“So, is anybody left?”

“Um yes, me.” - A guy with a huge backpack said. “I’m Mikey. I’m a professional skydiver. I’m just here to accompany my brother.” - He pointed towards Gerard. “It was his stupid idea to come up here. So yeah, I blame him.”

“Oh shut it, Mikey. “ - Gerard snapped.

“Really, Ger? it’s your fault I’m stuck here. You never listen to me, you idiot.”

“I swear to God I will shove his fucking board up in your..”

“Hey hey, don’t you dare to speak about my girl like that!” - Brendon hugged his board. ”And by the way,if you two decide to start a fight, this stupid cabin will probably fall down and we all will die. So stop.”

Gerard rolled his eyes, while Mikey gave him a middle finger and stuck his tongue out.

“Um,do you have an ADHD or something?” - Ryan asked, his confused eyes met Brendon’s face.

“Wh..what?” - Brendon mumbled

“You never shut up,man.” - Okay, this is bad. Josh could swear he saw Ryan’s eyes adoring Brendon, so why did he have to be rude? Or maybe, he was in denial or something..

“I..” - Brendon swallowed hard. Wow, this words really hurt him,huh? His brows furrowed suddenly,voice became really angry. “I was just trying to be friendly, so you can go fuck yourself, and don’t forget to take some fucking photos.” 

“Wow man, I was just joking, relax. And at least, my hobby doesn’t include breaking my vertebras.” - he pointed towards Brendon’s board. Brendon’s eyes lit up with fire. 

“You son of a bitch, you don’t even know what you’re talking about!” - He growled. “And for your information yes, I do have an ADHD, but I don’t take my stupid pills which make me feel like a walking zombie. And this “hobby”, as you called it helps me to spend some of my energy. You satisfied now?” - He leaned back on the wall of the cabin and closed his eyes.

Ryan stayed quiet after that, Josh could see regret in his eyes.

“I really like your hair.” - A soft voice broke into Josh’s mind. Tyler.

“Oh.. huh, thank you, Tyler.” - Josh took off his beanie, pink locks fell down on his face. “it was blue before, but I decided that pink is..”

“Softer?” - Tyler asked quietly, like he read his mind.

“Yeah, softer.”- Josh smiled at him. Oh, fuck.. He heard Brendon smirking next to him, so he elbowed him slightly, so that nobody could notice it but him. 

“Ouch!” - Brendon whimpered. 

“Do you think we’ll spend the whole day in this stupid cabin?” - Mikey asked.

“I really hope not to. Not that I don’t like you guys, it’s just..” - Brendon looked into Ryan’s direction. “Some of us have an attitude problems, and I’d better be snowboarding then dealing with it.”

Ryan scoffed and shook his head. 

“Hey,um.. After we get out of here, maybe you could uh.. come by this evening? All of you.” - Josh spoke up. “I mean, I rented a pretty big house and I’m all alone by myself so.. We could throw a party or something."

“That’s a perfect idea!” - Brendon exclaimed “I have tons of vodka at home, I could bring it with me!”

“Yeah,that’d be nice.” - Josh smiled. He would definitely become good friends with Brendon. “Ryan?” 

“Fine.” - Ryan nodded

“Well we don’t have anything else to do,so yeah, we’ll come.” - Mikey mumbled.

“We will pass,sorry. We have a table reserved at the restaurant.” - Patrick said.

“Oh, that's bad.. Tyler?” - Josh turned to face the smaller boy.

“You want me to come too?” - Tyler sounded surprised.

“Sure,why not?”

“Oh..” - Tyler smiled at him. Fuck,even his smile was perfect. Those dimples.. “I will.”

Finally,with a loud crashing sound cabin moved again.

“Oh thanks God..”- Gerard whispered.

A voice from speakers came back.

“We’ve removed the electricity problem, so the cableway will now work the same way it did before. Thank you for your patience and sorry once again. But free ticket offer is still on! Come visit our office and we will handle them to you.”

“Fuck you and your stupid ticket!” - Brendon shouted and stuck a middle finger to the speakers. “Say thanks we have a party to throw, or we all would kick your asses.” 

Josh smiled and squeezed his skis. He just made a bunch of new friends, and maybe met a guy of his dreams. Thanks God this stupid cabin got stuck. Thanks universe, thanks aliens, thanks everything.


	2. Close the Goddamn door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> every chapter will be written from the different POV, guys! :)   
> And yeah, English is not my first language, so sorry if this is lame.

Brendon smashed the car door behind him, almost dropping a bottle of vodka on the ground. He bought the drinks on the first day of his vacation, but did not want to drink them alone. The only thing he loved more than snowboarding was partying. And weed. Of course weed. That’s why he had a beautifully rolled joint in his backpack. Brendon carefully approached the door. He was not wearing his snowboarding boots anymore and it was really hard not to slip and break the neck with these Dr. Martens ones. He knocked on the door, heard the rushed footsteps and after a moment he met Josh’s smiling face.

“You came!” 

“Of course I came, buddy. There is no party without Brendon Urie!” - He smiled back. “Help me with these?” 

“Oh, sure.”- Brendon handed drinks to the host and stepped in. The first thing he noticed was how big the house was. “Anybody came yet?”

He heard Josh rummaging in the kitchen.

“Uh, yes, Ryan’s here.” - Josh shouted. Brendon sighed and rolled his eyes. All he wanted was to avoid the drama but here he was, facing the fucking drama queen he met today. He brushed the snow from his shoulders and walked into the living room. The fireplace and leather coaches made the room look really cosy and comfortable. He examined the room and spotted the thin boy sitting near the fireplace. Brendon cleared his throat, making Ryan to flinch slightly.

“Oh. Hey.. Hi. I didn’t see you walking in.. " - Ryan stammered. He moved a little and looked at Brendon. “You uh.. Wanna sit?”

“I think there’s plenty of seats in this room for me.” - Brendon mumbled and sat down on the couch, as far away from the boy as it was possible. 

“You.. You brought drinks,right?”

“Yeah.”

“Nice. I mean, I really want to get drunk tonight. Not that I’m a heavy drinker or something, it’s just.. Uh okay, I’m talking too much.” - Ryan shook his head and looked away. The room drowned in an awkward silence. Until Ryan spoke up again. “Uh, about today.. Listen I..”

“It’s okay, man.” - Brendon interrupted him. “Really. I’m used to people getting annoyed by me. I don’t really care, to be honest.” - He tried to smile at the boy.

“You’re not annoying.” - Ryan’s voice became too sad for some reason. Finally, Josh walked in. Thanks God he did.

“You two try not kill each other today,okay?” - He said and crushed down on the coach next to Brendon. 

“We won’t. In fact, we’re okay now.” - Brendon said. “So, Joshie..” - He put his arm on Josh’s shoulder and gave him a smile full of mischief. "Tyler’s coming,huh?”

Josh’s cheeks got red suddenly, gaze fell down on the floor.

“Yeah, he said he’d come..”

“You’ve got a crush, buddy.”

“What? No, no! It’s just.. He’s really.. cute?” - Josh looked up and met Brendon’s grinning face. “Ugh, okay, I’ve got a crush.”

“Knew it!” - Suddenly, they heard a knock on the door. “Ooh, run open the door, Joshie. It might be your prince!”

“Shut up, Brendon!” - Josh rolled his eyes and got up to get the door. Once again, Brendon and Ryan were left alone in the room. And Ryan broke the silence again.

“You sure you don’t want to sit by the fireplace? It’s really warm here, you know..”

Brendon shrugged and jumped on his feet. 

“I love heat, so yeah, move your cute ass!” - He did not really mean to say it out loud. Ryan blushed and moved a little, so that Brendon could sit next to him. 

“Thanks. Yours is cute too.” - Brendon almost choked on his own saliva and looked at the boy next to him with wide eyes. 

“What? You don’t really think you’re the only bisexual here,right?” - Ryan smirked. Brendon swallowed hard and tried to laugh. But the sound he let out was awkward and lame.

“Nice to know you’re on.. our side.” - What the hell, Urie?! 

Once again, Josh saved the situation. He walked into the room with Gerard and Mikey following him.

“Hey guys.” - Mikey waved at them. 

“No way! you two made it!” - Brendon exclaimed

“Actually there is a Way! Two, in fact!” - Mikey laughed too hard on his joke, while Gerard’s palm flew to his face.

“Uh, what?” - The boy blinked, clearly not getting a joke.

“It’s our surname. Way. Gerard and Mikey Way.” - Gerard mumbled.

“Oh, I get it now.” - Brendon laughed.

“Sit down, I’ll bring some food. Tyler and Dallon will be here soon. I think..”

“Dal..Who? Was he in the cabin with us?” - Ryan arched a brow.

“Oh, no. He’s my best friend, he arrived today and lives down the road. He’s a really cool guy, you’re gonna like him.”

“Dallon,huh? I really like the name.” - Brendon smirked. And he could swear he saw Ryan frowning for a moment. What the hell did this mean?

“Ryan, you brought your camera!” - Mikey sounded too happy about it.

“Uh, yeah. I thought it would be nice to take some photos of you guys.” - Ryan’s eyes met Brendon’s. “I hope it’s not too creepy for you.” 

“No,no! It’s a perfect idea.” 

“Yeah..” - Brendon mumbled, still not breaking an eye contact with Ryan. “It’s a really good idea, Ryan. I can pose naked, special for you” - He winked as Ryan’s cheeks became red once again.

Oh, this was going to be a long, but beautiful night.


	3. Melt your headaches, call it home.

Ryan threw his head back as he took another shot of vodka. What was it, his tenth already? He lost the count. His eyebrow furrowed from the pain in his throat, from the burning sensation in his chest. His eyes dated from one corner to another, looking for a familiar silhouette. Finally, he spotted him. Leaning on the wall, holding a joint and casually talking about something, as always. A tall, lanky boy was standing in front of him, listening to Brendon’s mumbling.His eyes were swirling holes on Brendon. Ryan’s been watching them the whole night, anger was filling him up. Who the hell did this Dallon guy think he was? He did not belong here. He was not in the cabin. Ryan stood up from the couch, stumbling but balancing himself with Gerard’s help, who looked at him with wide eyes.

“Ryan what the hell..”

“M’fine. Just gonna check smthng.” - He mumbled to Red-hair and made his way to the corner, where Brendon and Dallon were standing. He nearly fell down on the floor with his face when he approached them, but Brendon caught him in the right time.

“Woah,man. You’re wasted!”

“Yup. Oh, hello Dallon.” - He turned to face the taller man. “We did not get a chance to meet. ‘M Ryan.” - He reached out his trembling hand and smiled.

“Hey. Nice to meet you.” - Dallon returned a handshake and gave him the warmest smile Ryan ever saw on anybody. He faced Brendon. 

“So, having fun,huh?”

“Yeah, I was just telling Dallon about snowboarding. You know, my “hobby”.” - He mimicked quote-marks with his fingers and smirked. 

“Oh, and you think Dallon wants to hear a shit about your snowboarding, buddy?” - Ryan laughed and stumbled once again.

“What the hell?!” - Brendon snapped.

“Look at him, Brendon.. He wants to fuck you. Wants to taste your cock, and wants to feel how tight you are, and you..”

“Okay, i think that’s enough. “ - Dallon cut him,smile now disappearing from his pretty face. “You have to go and sleep it off, man”

“Fuck you, who the hell are you to tell me what to do?!” - Ryan leaned forward,too close to Dallon.

“I’ve got this, Dal. Go have some fun,I’ll find you later, let me take care of this.” - Brendon whispered and squeezed Ryan’s forearm. 

“Yeah go have some fun, Dallon!” - Ryan yelled and laughed once again.

Brendon leaded him to one of the Josh’s bedrooms (“You can use one of these if you decide to sleep or..well, not sleep”) and sat Ryan down on the bed. He crouched in front of him.

“Okay, now explain. What the hell was that?” - He whispered,not breaking an eye contact with the drunk boy.

“Wh..What? I dn’t like the guy!”

“But I do! And you did not let me finish talking to him!” 

“I said I dn’t like him and I dn’t want you talkin’ to him!” - Ryan shouted and fell backwards on the bed, closing his eyes.

Brendon sighed. He got up and walked around the bed, falling down next to Ryan.

“How much did you drink?”

“Ten shots? Hell knows.” - Ryan mumbled and turned on his side, his face was too close to Brendon’s. 

Brendon swallowed hard, Ryan saw his Adam’s apple popping slightly. 

“You uh.. You need to move away a little.” - Brendon whispered, locking his eyes on Ryan’s lips.

“Why?” - Ryan whispered back and moved to him a little more.

Brendon’s eyes flew up and met Ryan’s tired ones.

“Because I might kiss you.” 

Ryan heard his heart hammering in his chest. He felt the world around spinning. His pupils went wide, breath hitched. No, in fact he stopped breathing at all. He touched Brendon’s lips with his shaking fingers and smiled. Tried to smile. 

“Do it.” - He whispered. Brendon leaned forward, as he was waiting for these words. He stopped, their noses were touching, breathes tangling into each other.

“You’re a dick, Ryan Ross.” - Brendon smiled, his eyelashes stroked Ryan’s cheeks.

“Thanks.” - Ryan mumbled. His hand flew to the boy’s neck and pushed Brendon down, their lips crashing. Once again, everything started spinning. Fireworks exploded in his brain. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Brendon’s taste was a mix of alcohol, weed and.. Vanilla? Oh, fuck everything. Brendon Urie would be the death of him. He knew one thing: Brendon would not find Dallon this night. Or ever. He was Ryan’s.


	4. Can I understand you?

Tyler was sitting on the kitchen table, examining his fingers, legs hanging down. This was the worst thing about parties and drinking. Being alone. He was never an out-going one, never a partying type. He was an outsider. That’s why he ended up sitting alone in the farthest room of all. His head liked to go places. Dark, bad places. Voices were getting too loud sometimes. Louder than music, louder than other people. It was easier to be alone, it was easier to concentrate on one voice, the one in his head. Tyler did not even know why he came here.

“Tyler?” - The soft voice made him jump a little, his heart messed up the beating pattern. “What are you doing here?” - Josh walked in, switching the lights on.

“No, please.” - Tyler’s voice sounded so pathetic he wanted to mentally slap himself. “Turn them..off.”

Josh did. No questions asked, no words said. He turned the light off. But did not leave. Instead, he approached Tyler. 

“Everything okay?”

“Yes. I just.. It’s too bright.” - Tyler scratched the back of his head, eyes avoiding Josh’s gaze.

“Can I sit here with you?” - Josh asked. Tyler nodded and despite the darkness, the other boy saw him. Josh sat down beside him and sighed.

“You don’t like the party..” - He mumbled with a sad voice.

“No,no. The party is great really. Everybody’s great. You are great.. It’s just. Sometimes I like to be alone.” - Tyler looked down on his fingers. Suddenly, his lungs stopped working properly. He felt warm fingers lingering with his long,frozen ones. Josh squeezed his fingers, like he was afraid to let him go. Afraid, that Tyler would disappear.

“It’s okay to be alone sometimes. We all need it.” - Josh whispered, his voice was soothing Tyler’s messy mind.

“Do you want be alone right now?” - Tyler asked. He knew the answer, but still felt the fear filling him up.

“No. I’d like to be with you.” - Josh smiled.Tyler did not see him, but he was sure he smiled. “Tell me something about yourself., Anything.” 

Tyler swallowed, tensing up a bit. He hated talking about himself. But it felt different with Josh.

“I uh.. I played basketball at school. Was really good at it, in fact. But I hated it. Hated all the attention I was getting because of it. So yeah, I stopped.. Now I write music sometimes. But it’s a secret,you can’t tell anyone” - Tyler felt himself smiling. 

“Wow, I’m impressed. So, you sing?” - Josh asked.

“Yes. Sometimes. I mean, I’m not really good at it,but..”

“Sing to me?” - Josh whispered. “Please?”

Tyler has never sang to anyone. Not even his siblings. Never. It was too.. personal. Too dark,maybe. So what did it fell so right to sing to Josh? Even though the voice in his head kept buzzing “No,don’t! He will laugh, he will tell everyone!”

“Are you sure you want to hear me singing?”

“Absolutely, Tyler.” - Josh put his head on Tyler’s shoulder and once again, Tyler forgot ho to breath properly. He breathed in and closed his eyes. His voice was shaking.

"I don't know  
Where I am supposed to go  
So I might just  
Take my pride and go..”

Tyler heard Josh gasping silently. But he couldn’t stop,now. It was too late. Emotions were coming out.

"Some people, they know, know everything  
But I know that they don't know my heart

Cause I, oh yeah, I believe in love  
And I hope I can show you what I mean  
And I don't believe love's for me, oh  
So won't you come around and prove me wrong

You don't know me  
And I don't know you  
Tell me, what should I  
Do?  
Oh…”

He felt his cheeks getting wet. Tears? Why was he crying. He sniffed and wiped his face with a sleeve of his hoodie.

“I’m sorry, I..” - He was cut by strong arms embracing his thin frame. 

“No. Tyler you’re.. Beautiful. I am sorry you feel this way.” - Josh whispered, his hot breath stroking Tyler’s neck. The smaller boy hided his face in Josh’s chest and let out a shaking breath. “I’ve got you,okay? I can prove you wrong”

Yeah, he’s got him. 

It was getting too late. Too late for anybody to think. Two boys were holding each other on the kitchen table, meanwhile other two were sharing a passionate, unforgettable kiss just behind the wall. 

And tomorrow’s sure to come..


	5. Things are better if I stay

Sharp pain woke his brain up. Everything was blurry, thoughts kept switching every other second. The worst thing about drinking is the morning after. Brendon blinked several times, tried to get rid of the blur. His brows furrowed as he felt somebody’s breath tingling his neck. That somebody was hugging him. Drunk sex? Again? He turned his head around slowly and gasped quietly. Ryan was sleeping peacefully beside him. Fuck, this boy was beautiful. His dark, long eyelashes, slightly parted lips and messy hair. Everything about him was beautiful and unique. Brendon tried really hard not to wake him up, but the moment he moved away a little, Ryan flinched and slowly opened his eyes.

“Hey.” - Brendon whispered and smiled at him. 

Ryan frowned for a moment, and suddenly sat up. He looked at Brendon with wide eyes.

“What happened? Did we..? Oh, we did not.. Tell me we..” - He started hyperventilating. Hands were clutching and pulling his own hair. Brendon wrapped his long fingers around other boy’s wrist.

“Hey, no, nothing happened. Look,you’re wearing an underwear. Nothing happened”

“Fuck this, then why the hell am I in the bed? With you?!” - Ryan pulled away from Brendon’s grip and got up from the bed. “Where the fuck are my clothes?!”

“They are on the floor.” - Brendon said, his voice cracked. Why did everybody regret being with him?

Ryan started picking up his stuff, but continued to shout at him.

“Tell me what happened. How did we end up here?!” 

“You told me to kiss you..” - Brendon whispered and felt his eyes filling up with tears. This shouldn’t hurt so much, he barely knew Ryan. He shouldn’t care.

“I was fucking drunk!” - Ryan was furious.

“So was I.. Look I am sorry if I did something wrong I..” - Brendon got up and approached him.

“Don’t touch me!” - Ryan pulled away.

Brendon felt his blood boiling. The world was getting blurry again, but not from the sleep. From the anger. 

“Okay, you know what? You told me it was okay to kiss you, you fucking let me! Your little ass got jealous when I was talking to Dallon,don’t you remember?! So fuck you, Ryan. You can’t play with somebody’s feelings. Next time you kiss somebody, be sure you won’t regret it in the morning, motherfucker.” - Brendon picked up some plaid pajama pants from the chair, probably Josh’s, put them on and stormed off the room.

He entered a nearest bathroom and locked the door behind him. Broke boy approached the sink, and clutched his fingers around the edges, knuckles turning white from the pressure. He looked up in the mirror, face was stained with tear paths. He hated being pathetic. He hated being rejected. And he always was. He let out a wet sob and sinked down to his knees, covering his face with palms.

Fuck this.

**

Gerard was sitting on the floor in the living room, hugging his knees and holding a mug of hot chocolate. Mikey was still snoring on the couch in front of him. He loved waking up early, before everyone. That’s why he was awake when Brendon stormed off from the room and loudly banged the door behind him. Gerard kept staring, but after several minuted decided to go check after him. He got up, placing the mug on the table and approached the door. He gently knocked.

“Brendon..?”

He heard sniffles, but got no answer. He saw too many of his favorite people cry. His brother, father, friends.. He hated seeing tears on their faces.

“Bren, you need help?” - He asked quietly. Again, got no answer. Suddenly,the door behind him opened, revealing confused Ryan. 

“What happened?” - Gerard turned around to face the boy.

“I don’t know. He run away, just because I told him it was his mistake that we..” - He was cut off by Gerard’s loud sigh.

“What the hell, Ryan?”

Ryan blinked, not getting what he did wrong.

“You were the one who dragged him away from Dallon, you were the one I couldn’t stop from doing it. And now you blame him? You’re such an idiot.” - He shook his head is disbelief. 

“Everything okay?” - Sleepy voice filled up the room. Josh was standing in the doorframe, scratching his neck, while Tyler was hiding behind him, slightly confused from all the tension they were met with.

“Oh, Josh. Yes, come here. Tell him how he ruined Bren’s date with Dallon.” - Gerard’s face lightened up.

“Sorry I.. I did not see anything I was with.. Tyler. In the kitchen..” - Josh blushed and looked down on the floor. 

Gerard looked at Tyler, who was biting his lip and trying not to smile. 

“You have to be kidding me.” - Red-head rolled his eyes. “Did everybody in this house make out ? How long was I asleep?” - He sighed and turned around to Ryan. “You. Stay here and fucking talk to Brendon. Fix it. You have no right to break his heart. I won’t let you. As for you two..” - he looked at Josh and Tyler,who were standing like guilty children. “Let’s go and make a breakfast. But first, help me to wake Mikey up.” - Josh looked down at Tyler, who was smiling at him, dimples appearing on his cheeks. Gerard sighed and snapped Josh out of his trans with a push.

“Move,Dun!”


	6. Messy heads

Brendon was sitting on the bed, eyes filled with guilt. He was examining his fingers and avoiding his new friend's gaze. Gerard was sitting in front of him on the floor, legs crossed.

“Bren, you need to tell me what happened.” - he whispered. Brendon lifted his eyes up to the ceiling and sighed. 

“I’m such a mess.”

Gerard’s brows furrowed. His fingers interlaced with Brendon’s trembling ones. He smiled at his friend. 

“Tell me..”

“This morning we.. Well, I snapped at Ryan. He deserved it, I think but.. I overreacted. I stopped taking my pills and my emotions.. Are strange,you know?” - His voice was shaking. “I locked myself in the bathroom. I heard you telling Ryan to talk to me, to.. Fix me. But.. The minute I opened the door and saw his face I.. Fuck. I don’t think I’m ready. I am too confused to get attached to somebody. I am too messy. Ryan he.. Deserves something better, brighter. So I did not even give him a chance to say something. I pushed him away and ran up here.” - He stopped rumbling and blinked several times. Gerard saw tears gathering up in his eyes. 

“Bren. You are not messy. You are wonderful, do you hear me? You are beautiful. And Ryan.. He is confused. But he really likes you. Trust me. I know this look in his eyes. So..” - Gerard got up from the floor and sat down near Brendon. “Why don’t you give him a chance? Give yourself a chance?” - He whispered.

Brendon let out a shaking sigh and nodded. “You’re right. I feel stupid. Like a baby.. Did Ryan..?”

“He did not leave.” - Gerard smiled at him. “He’s in the kitchen. I think he wants to apologize. You want me to call him?” - Brendon nodded. 

Gerard squeezed his hand a last time before leaving the room and going down the stair to the kitchen. The minute he stepped into the room, he met Ryan’s worried eyes.

“Is he..? Can I..?” - Gerard did not say a word. He pointed to the stairs and Ryan followed. He needed to fucking fix it.

—

Brendon heard slow footsteps approaching the door. His anxiety was rising up inside of him. A quiet knock made him jump a little.

“Brendon?” - Ryan sounded.. nervous? He got up and opened the door. Ryan looked up at him.

“Hey..”

Brendon cleared his throat.

“Hey.”

“Can we talk?” - Brendon stepped away from the door and let the taller boy in. He closed the door behind him and turned around to say something but.. 

Ryan’s lips locked onto his chapped, bleeding ones. The boy’s fingers got lost in Brendon’s hair, while their tongues interlaced in unison. Brendon couldn’t stop a quiet moan escaping his mouth. Ryan pulled away, his pupils were huge, lips swollen. 

“I am sorry.” - He whispered, eyes never leaving Brendon’s face. 

It was Brendon’s turn to smash their lips together.

—

“Ty, you okay?” - Tyler was snapped out from his thoughts. He was sitting on the couch, fingers hugging the mug. He looked up and saw Josh smiling down at him.

“Yeah, I’m fine” - He mumbled and moved a little, so that Josh could sit beside him.

“You know you can tell me everything, right?” - Josh hugged his knees and rested his chin on them. Tyler nodded. “Talk to me,Tyler.”

“I’m scared.” - The boy said suddenly. 

“Scared? Of what?”

“You?” - Smaller boy looked at Josh. “Me. Us. I’ve never felt anything like this and you..I’ve always hoped I was not my only friend..But.. You’ll get sick of me. I am not a good friend, okay? I will get you down, I will drown you..”

“Hey, stop it.” - Josh’s palms cupped Tyler’s face, but the other boy looked away. “Ty, but I want to be your friend. I want to know you.. I want to see you.. I want to say..” - Their eyes met again. Josh smiled at him. “Hello..”

“Hey.” - Tyler whispered and bite his lip. 

“Don’t push me away, okay?” - Tyler slowly nodded,his eyes never leaving Josh’s face. 

“Promise?”

“Promise.”


	7. I've been thinking too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw for the next chapter 
> 
> and I'm sorry

Mikey groaned a little, kicking the blanket off with his legs. Mornings suck. He always hated mornings. His eyes finally managed to open and he starts to examine the room. He was alone, but he heard voices coming out from the kitchen. He got up, still a little bit dizzy and slowly walked toward the kitchen. He popped his head in and saw Gerard, Josh, Dallon, Brendon and Ryan sitting around the table and talking.

".. And then I turned around and yelled "you motherfucker, if you don't know how to ski get the hell away from the way" and he got really angry and tried to hit me with his stupid skis but.." - Brendon was waving his hands, telling his story with every emotion he had inside. 

"Mikey! You're up!" - Gerard suddenly exclaimed. Every head in this room turned around to face sleepy Mikey.

"Uh, hi guys.." - He mumbled.

"Slept wel?" - Josh asked.

"Yeah. Your couch is really comfy."

"So is your guest bedroom." - Ryan said to Josh, but was looking at grinning Brendon beside him.

"Coffee?" - Mikey nodded and Dallon got up to prepare him a drink. Mikey moved up a chair to the table and sat down. 

"How much did we drink yesterday?"

"I lost count after twelve shots." - Gerard shrugged. 

"You head hurts? I've got some pills in the bathroom, I can bring them." - Josh said

"Oh, no. I have to go brush my teeth so I'll grab them on my way. Where do you keep them?"

"A drawer next to the sink."

"Yah, okay." - Mikey stood up and left the room.

"So, I where did I stop?" - Brendon asked.

"I think we understood what you want to say,Bren. Don't mess with snowboarders." - Ryan smiled and kissed the boy's temple. Brendon smiled back.

"You're right. Don't. We're dangerous and savage."

"You two are disgusting, I'm gonna throw up." - Gerard rolled his eyes.

"Don't be jealous, Ger." - Josh laughed.

Suddenly they heard a loud bang, and after a moment scared, heavy-breathing Mikey run into the kitchen. His eyes were wide, face pale.

"Mikey?!" - Gerard jumped to this feet.

"There's..In the bathroom.. Josh there's.." 

"Mikey what happened?!" 

Mikey looked at Josh, who blinked at him confused.

"Tyler.."


	8. Goner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for a graphic description of suicide attempt, stay safe guys!!

(15 minutes earlier)

Josh is in the living room,talking with Ryan and Brendon about his car. Mikey is peacefully sleeping on the couch. Gerard is making a breakfast,while Dallon is still sleeping in the bedroom. 

Tyler is locked in the bathroom. His hands are shaking and his breathing is messy. His head spins. Dark thoughts are getting through his brain.

"Nobody needs you. Look at them. They did not even notice you were gone. Nobody noticed you. Nobody ever does. They have each other. And you.. You don't belong here. You don't belong anywhere." - Tyler covers his ears with hands and sinks to the floor, tears streaming down his face.

"No, shut up." - he whispers. "Leave me alone."

"Oh, you already are alone, can't you see? I am nothing but a voice in you pathetic head. You don't even have me. You don't have anybody. Do you remember home,Tyler?"

"Stop."

"You remember your mom? She is probably reading a fairytale to Jay, while Maddie and Zack are sleeping in the next room. Do you think they want you back?"

"Shut. Up."

"They don't. You are a shame of their family. Think of your father. When was the last time he felt proud because of you? Maybe when you got beaten up by the neighborhood kids? Maybe when you came out to them as gay? He is ashamed of you. You're pathetic. You are nobody."

"Blurry.. Stop." - Tyler lets out a quiet sob.

"Do it, Tyler. You deserve it. Do it. For your family. For your friends. For Josh." 

Tyler looks down at his hands. He is holding a razor. When did he take it? Where did he get it? His fingers are shaking as he closes the gap between his writ and a razor.

"Do it. Prove yourself you can. Prove me you are not pathetic."

Tyler closes his eyes and hisses as the sharp pain fills up his body. He cuts. And cuts. And cuts. Until he can't move anymore. He drops the razor on the floor. He sees blood coloring the white piles of the bathroom floor. He feels dizzy. But it feels right. He smiles weakly and lays down on the floor. Blur(ry) covers everything..

__

(present time)

Josh runs to the bathroom. He doesn't hear anything. He sees nothing. He finally approaches the opened door and freezes. Everything is red. His hand. His wrists. The floor. The blood stops rushing in his body as he falls to his knees near the boy. Gerard crouches near him and grabs the towel from the hanger and somehow ties them around Tyler's wrists.

"Ty, what have you done?!" - Josh cups the boy's face. He can't see anything because of the tears gathering up in his eyes. Gerard tries to check Tyler's pulse. For a moment, the world stops spinning.

"He is alive." - Gerard turns to Josh with his eyes wide. 

"I've called 911." - Brendon rushes in the room, hands clutching on his hair. 

"Tyler, open your eyes." - Josh shakes the boy slightly. His eyes are shut and still. Lips slightly parted. He is pale. He looks dead. "Please, Tyler.." - His voice cracks. 

"We need to apply some pressure to his cuts." - Gerard says. He grabs Tyler's hands and squeezes his fingers around them. "Josh,talk to him, try to wake him up." The redhead looks up to face his brother.

"Mikey! Leave. Now." 

Mikey shakes his head,staring at Tyler's condition. Gerard looks at Dallon,who is leaning on the doorframe, hands covering his mouth.

"Lead him out. Please, Dallon." - Gerard whimpers. 

"Yes. Yes, of course." - Dallon stands in front of Mikey, grabbing his hands. "Come on buddy, listen to your brother. You need to calm down." He leads the shaking boy away from the bathroom.

"Gerard he's not waking up!" - Josh shouts. Tears flow unstoppably from his eyes.

"Ambulance is on it's way. He lost lots of blood, but I don't think it's a fatal amount. He will be fine,Josh, trust me." - Gerard says to him. His voice is calming Josh for some reason.

"They're here!" - Ryan runs in. 

"They came. Josh, they will save him. It will be okay.."  
__

There is nothing worse than waiting. Especially in the hospital hall. Every minute lasts an hour. Time doesn't move here.

Gerard is sitting on the couch next to Brendon and Ryan, while Josh sits on the floor, leaning his back on the cold wall. Dallon stayed at home with Mikey. The doctors have been in for almost 3 hours now. They have absolutely no information about Tyler's condition. And it is scary.

"Ger..?" - Brendon whispers, looking at his friend.

"Hm?"

"How did you.. How did you know what to do? I mean, the whole thing with applying some pressure and talking to him.."

Gerard's eyes met the floor.

"I have some kind of an experience in this.."

"What do you mean?"

"Our mother. She, uh.. She committed a suicide. 2 years ago. We found her, me and Mikey. We had a basketball game and came home late afterwards. Dad was working. We went to the kitchen and.. There she was. Lying on the floor. Bleeding out. Mikey is still recovering. You saw his reaction..We couldn't save her. She lost too much blood. After that I made some research about helping in this situation. You never know what might happen.."

Brendon did not know what to say. Gerard was brave. Probably, the bravest person he ever knew. 

"I am sorry, Gee." - Ryan said and curled an arm around his shoulders. Gerard smiled at him.

"Josh, you okay?" - Brendon asked.

Josh stared at the white wall. He hasn't moved since they got here. There was nothing they could do.

They had to wait.


	9. Can't help it

“Who’s here for uh.. Mr. Joseph?”

A loud voice snapped Josh from his trans. A blonde, tall nurse was darting her eyes from one person to another, waiting for a response.

“We are.” - Brendon got up from his chair. A young nurse smiled a him and walked towards the boys.

“Well.. You boys did a really good job before ambulance arrived, thanks to you your friend is stable now. Mr. Joseph lost a lot of blood but he’s a tough guy. He’s asleep now, but you can see him if you want. But only for a couple of minutes. He needs to rest.” 

“Thank you, thank you so much.” - Brendon suddenly hugged the nurse, causing her to blush slightly and giggle. Josh has never felt such a relief. Tyler was alive. Tyler was okay.  
But no.. Tyler was not okay.

“Josh?” - Gerard tapped on his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“You go. We’ll visit him later.” - Redhead said gave his best smile to Josh. Gerard was different from everyone Josh has ever known. He never met anyone so loyal, so kind and understanding. He nodded in a response. 

“Sure..Uh, can you show me his ward?” - The nurse, still blushing from Brendon’s hug, guided him to one of the rooms.

“There’s a red button near his bed, if you need us, or if anything happens.”

“Okay.” - Josh mumbled. The blonde opened the door and moved away, so Josh could step in. 

The first thing he saw were the blue walls. Soft, hospital-blue color was the one Josh hated the most. He slowly approached the bed and looked down on his friend. Tubes, IV-s going in and out from Tyler’s body. He was pale, lips chapped and faded, eyes closed and hair messy. But he was beautiful. So damn beautiful. Josh moved a chair near his bed and sat down, locking his fingers with Ty’s frozen ones.

“Hey, tough guy.” - He whispered and kissed broken boy’s fingers. “The nurse told us we did a really good job. I mean, Gerard did. He saved you, practically. So you thank him when he visits, okay?” - Josh was sure Tyler could not hear him. but there was something calming in this.

“You know..You scared the hell out of me, Ty. For a moment, I thought I lost you..Funny. How can I lose you when you’re not even mine, right? We met 3 days ago,but.. Fuck Ty.. Don’t you dare to do anything like this again. Don’t you dare to take yourself away from me..” - Josh felt tears falling from his cheeks. When did he start to cry? He wiped the tears with a sleeve of his hoodie and sniffed. “Oh, look. Now I’m crying like a drama-queen. Good job,Ty. I probably look stupid” - He let out a short laugh and shook his head.

“You..look.. good..” - A broken, quiet voice made it’s way up to Josh’s brain. He quickly looked down and was met with a sad, but beautiful smile.

“Ty..”

“Hey..Jishwa.” 

“Hey! How are you feeling?”

“Terrible..and..embarrassed?”

“You don’t have to be..”

“Josh..” - The smaller boy cut him off. “I.. scared you. And you don’t.. deserve this. It was.. a selfish... move, I am sorry…” - His voice cracked at the end of the sentence, tears gathered to his eyes.

“No, hey Ty.. No. No it was not selfish. It was a cry for a help. And I am here. I heard you. I will help you,Tyler.. Please just let me. God, I got so scared I would never see or hear you..”

“Come.. here.” - Tyler smiled at pink-haired boy and moved slightly, so that Josh could lay down next to him.

“But the nurse said I..”

“Jenna? It’s.. okay. I’m sure.. she won’t mind.” 

Josh got up carefully laid down on the hospital bed,next to Tyler. He locked the smaller boy in his arms and buried his nose in Tyler’s hair.

“Jish?

“Yes,Ty?”

“Never.. leave me?”

“Never..”

Tyler smiled,his face hiding in Josh's chest.

“Thank you.”


	10. To the sea

Dallon stepped out of the kitchen, holding two mugs with hot chocolate. He approached the couch and looked down at thin boy curled up under the blankets. Mikey’s been staring at the wall for hours now. No words, no sounds. Dallon sighed and placed mugs on the coffee table. He crouched, so that his eyes were on the same level as Mikey’s.

“Hey, buddy..” - He smiled at the boy. Mikey blinked several times, not responding. “You need to eat something..” - Dallon placed one hand on Mikey’s cheek and wiped the tear paths with his thumb. “You know,Tyler will be okay..” 

“I know.” - The boy whispered suddenly. “But I won’t be. I will never be okay..”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Mikey shook his head and let out a shaking breath.

“Listen I,uh..” - Dallon sat down on the floor, not breaking an eye contact with Mikey. “I don’t know what you’re going through. But you’re not alone,okay? I mean.. What happened today happened because of the loneliness, emptiness.. You don’t have to feel the same way, I..”

“I am not going to kill myself.” - Mikey mumbled.

“Oh.. Yeah, okay..”

They sat in silence for the next minutes. The only sound filling up in the room was the clock ticking on the wall.

“It is about my mom.” - Mikey spoke up suddenly. “We found her bleeding on the floor.. But we could not save her. There was so much blood, and that metallic smell.. I felt the world crashing down on me that night. She was gone. She slit her wrists with a kitchen knife. A fucking kitchen knife..” - He was sobbing now, tears streaming down his face. “It was.. It’s no unfair.. They leave us.. They don’t give us a chance..”

Dallon locked a sobbing boy in his embrace, hands stroking his hair and whispering soothing words to his ear

“I know..It will be okay.. It’s gonna be fine..Don’t cry..”

__

Jenna was pacing around the room, playing with the pen in her hands and looking down on the paper she was holding.

“So, Tyler. I need to ask you some questions, so doctors can decide wether you’re stable enough to leave the hospital,okay?”

Josh was sitting on the couch next to Tyler’s bed. Their fingers have been interlaced since the morning. 

“Yeah..okay.”

“So.. I saw your medical history. You’ve been diagnosed with a severe depression some time ago, am I right?”

“Yes..”

“Are you taking your pills?”

Tyler swallowed, staying quiet for a minute.

“Tyler?”

“No.. I mean.. Not for the last couple of months..” - Josh squeezed his fingers harder.

“Well, you need to promise me you will start taking them.”

“I promise..”

Jenna wrote down something on her paper, then looked up at Tyler.

“Was this the first time you’ve ever tried to commit suicide?”

“No..” - Josh’s head flew up, eyes went wide. He did not even think about it. Tyler was not looking at him. He was examining their fingers when suddenly a single tear landed on Josh’s hand.

Jenna cleared her throat, obviously sensing a tension.

“Uh.. Well,I have to check on other patients. We will continue later, okay Tyler?”

“Thanks Jenna..” - Josh mumbled as Jenna disappeared in the door.

“I am sorry,Josh..” - Tyler’s voice was shaking.

“No, don’t be sorry, Ty.. When did it happen?”

“Last year. I swallowed my brother’s anxiety pills.. Lots of pills.”

“Oh,Ty..”

“It’s okay, really.. It won’t happen again. I have you now, right?” - Tyler smiled at him. For the first time today.

“Yes,Ty..You have me now.”

“It’s just.. I’ve been hearing this voice in my head since I remember myself. I call it Blurry. It told me to do horrible things to myself.. But he shuts up when you’re with me..But when I’m alone.. I follow everything he says to me. And I don't know what to do..”

“Ty?”

“Yes?”

_“Follow me instead."_


	11. Big Bang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little time-jump, guys.
> 
> FYI:  
> Tyler and Dallon are roommates in the dorm.  
> Josh is living with Ryan and Brendon. (third-wheeling, as always.)
> 
> AND YES MILK REFERENCE HAHA

(a month later)

“Are you uh..Are you sure this is milk not spoiled?”

“Absolutely,Ryan. Relax and enjoy your stupid cereal.” - Brendon placed a soft kiss on his lover’s cheek. He got back to washing dishes and humming some stupid melody that got stuck in his head since morning.

“Okay, guess who’s becoming an official couple today.” - Josh walked in the kitchen, proudly grinning at his friends.

“No way!"

“Oh,Ry, look at our son,honey. He grew up so fast!” - Brendon wiped an imaginary tear from his eye and approached Josh.

“Shut up, idiot. I uh, I am really nervous in fact.” - Josh furrowed his brows. “What if.. What if he’s not ready? I mean only a month ago he..”

“Okay. Listen here, Dun.” - Brendon placed one hand on Josh’s shoulder and pointed the index finger of another hand to him. “That was a month ago. He was in a bad place. He was alone. But now.. He has you. Plus, a lot changed after that. So stop worrying.”

“I love when he does his motivational speaker voice” - Ryan mumbled with his mouth full. Brendon turned around to face him and sighed.

“Honey, you’re really good at swallowing. Use this talent while eating.” - Ryan choked on his cereal. “Oh. Sorry son, we forgot you’re here.”

Josh rolled his eyes.

“I got used to it. 3 weeks living together with you guys leaves me no other choice, you know.” Brendon sticked his tongue at Josh. “I talked to Dallon this morning. He said Tyler’s gonna be home at 7. Dallon will leave, at Mikey’s I guess. And that’s when we will have “the talk.”

“Okay, Wait a minute. Please don’t tell me you’re gonna wear that.” - Brendon "face palmed” himself.

“What is wrong with my clothes?!”

“Seriously, Josh? Sweatpants and hoodie? What are you, a fucking swagger? C’mere, I’ll think of something for you.” - the taller boy made his way down the hall to his room.

“Oh, and honey?!” - He shouted back to Ryan.

“Hm?”

“That milk is spoiled. Just like you, my little whore.” 

And the house filled up with the sound of Ryan’s choking and coughing,once again.

__

 

“Dal?” - Tyler popped his head into his friend’s bedroom.

“Hey,Ty-guy. What’s up?”

“Can we talk?” 

“Yeah. Sure, come in.” - Tyler slowly closed the door behind him and approached the bed Dallon was lying on. He looked nervous, he was slightly shaking and biting the nail on his thumb. 

“Everything okay?” - Dallon’s concerned voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Oh. Yes,yes. I just.. Ugh.” - He crushed on the bed and closed his eyes. “I think Josh’s going to stop our.. affair, relationship? Whatever we have.”

“What? Why do you think so?”

“He’s been acting strange this last couple of days. Barely texting me, always on the rush. I’m just.. scared this is the end.”

“Ty, don’t you think you’re overthinking?”

“Maybe I am. I don’t want to lose him, you know. I really, really like him. And kinda need him too. I mean.. HE is afraid of Josh.” Tyler put his index finger to his temple. Dallon nodded. Blurry.

“So.. I guess I’m too hard to deal with, but..”

“Hey, hey! Tyler, you are amazing. And Josh, he knows it. And he likes you back, trust me. Come on man, remember how he carried in his arms you when you left the hospital, but were too weak to walk on your own? How he stayed up the first night, literally digging holes on you with his staring? Or how he nearly died from a heart-attack when you fainted last week? He likes you, Ty. So relax.” - Dallon smiled at him. And his smile always worked therapeutically on Tyler. 

“You’re right. I’m overthinking.” - He smiled back and tried to change the subject. “So,how’s Mikey?”

“Uh, good. He’s good. We have a date today, Gerard’s out of the town and he invited me over.”

“You’re getting laid, man?!” - Tyler punched his shoulder and laughed.

“Ouh! You ass! Maybe I am, so don’t be jealous.” - Dallon laughed too.

Tyler got up and walked towards the door, turning around for the last time before heading out.

“Don’t forget to use protection, Dal. We don’t want little Way-Weeks running around the apartment any time soon, do we?” - Dallon threw a pillow at him, and with Tyler’s “ninja-skills”, he hit him right into the face.


	12. The world is gonna disappear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little Ryden filler, because God damn it

“BRENDON!!”

Ryan’s scream filled every room in the house. Brendon’s head flew up from his book, thoughts racing in his mind “Oh what did I do? Did I forget to delete browser history from his computer? Did he realize I used his toothbrush?”

“Y-Yes?” - His voice sounded so pathetic he wanted to slap himself.

Ryan appeared in the doorframe, frustrated.

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOY NOT TO WEAR MY UNDERWEAR?!”

Brendon slowly looked down at the boxers he was wearing. Oops.

“Oh. Ha-ha. Hey, Ryan. I did not even notice, you know.” - He mumbled and shrugged.

“I will kill you, I swear to God, which I don’t believe in.” - Ryan suddenly approached Brendon, who was sitting on the floor. He threw the book away from his lap. Brendon’s eyes went wide. In a second, Ryan was sitting on his lap, kissing his lips, neck, cheeks, nose.

“You know I hate when you do that.. Because my clothes.. look so good on you.. I can’t concentrate.. on anything else..” - He was whispering between the kisses. Brendon’s heart was beating so loud, he was sure Gerard could hear it from the other town.

“I need to work.. I need to edit.. the photos but you.. Oh, you never let me.. You want all the attention, my little slut.. don’t you?” - Ryan’s hot breath was tickling his neck. Brendon nodded, his vocal chords were too weak to produce any sound. 

“You got it, Urie.” - Ryan finally pulled away and looked down to his lover’s eyes. “Take me. Now.”

Brendon did not need any other words. He pinned Ryan down to the floor and took of his clothes. His lips connected with Ryan’s soft skin, leaving wet marks. 

“Wanna taste me?” - Ryan whispered.

“Yes. Yes..” 

Brendon’s hands were clutching on Ryan’s hair. He liked it rough.

“Brendon?”

“Yeah?” - He pulled away to face him.

Ryan’s eyes were soft, caring. They felt like home.

“I love you.” 

Boom. 

Brendon felt weak, everything was spinning around him. Somebody loved him.. No. Ryan loved him. Ryan fucking Ross loved him. He couldn’t catch his breath. When did he deserve this? 

“Bren..?” - Ryan cupped his face. He looked concerned. Brendon realized he’s been frozen for at least a minute. "Bren I’m so..”

“I love you,too.” - He whispered, still not being able to move. "I love you so much, you spoiled idiot. I want you, in every aspect, in every way. I love you I love you I love you..” 

Ryan connected their lips once again. Nothing mattered. 

The moon would defiantly forget to fall down today.


	13. Lonely moonlight

Josh slowly approached the door. He breathed in and knocked. He heard his favorite footsteps and in a second the door revealed smiling Tyler.

“Hey,Ty.” - The boy stepped in.

“Hey,Jish. What’s up?” - He closed the door behind Josh. 

“Uh, nothing much. I thought,maybe.. Can we talk?”

Tyler’s eyes went wide. His fears, his thoughts were right. Josh wants to leave him. Of course he wants.   
Even Tyler wants to leave Tyler.

“Sure..” - Tyler sat down on the couch and moved, so Josh could sit too. 

An awkward silence hang in the air.

“So, what I’ve wanted to say.. Uh.. I’m not really good with words, you know..” - Josh sounded nervous. Why was he nervous ? It is easy to leave.

“It’s fine, Josh.”- Tyler put his hand on boy’s knee and smiled at him weakly. “I understand.”

Josh looked up at him, his eyes lightened. 

“You do?”

“Of course.. I mean. You’re not the first person who got tired of me. In fact, even my family decided I’m too much of a burden, eventually. So I get it, Jish. I get it. I’m too hard to deal with..”

Suddenly, Josh’s arms locked around Tyler’s thin body.

“Tyler, what are you talking about? How could you I think I would leave you? After everything we’ve been through for the last month? Ty, I love you. I want you to be my boyfriend. Oh, you’re so silly. So silly..” - Josh’s voice was soothing Tyler’s messy brain. 

“Oh..Thank you, Josh.” - His quiet voice barely reached the other boy’s ears. “Thanks for loving me.” 

Josh kissed his temple and pulled away.

“Thank you for letting me. You don’t imagine how nervous I was to tell you this.” - He let out a small laugh. Tyler smiled at him.

“I am happy you did, boyfriend.” - Josh was just about to joke something back, when his phone buzzed in the pocket. He reached for it and looked down the screen, before answering.

“Bren?”

“Okay, Joshua guess who’s going on the vacation tomorrow with his precious boyfriend?” - Brendon talked too fast, it happened when we was exited. 

Josh rolled his eyes and laughed.

“Oh let me think.. Dallon?”

“Dick! Me! Ryan bought us tickets. He has a photoshoot to do and he’s taking me with him!”

Josh heard Ryan’s voice.

“Okay come on, he’s gonna think I’m taking you to Hawaii or Bora-Bora, Brendon.”

“So, where are you two going?” 

_“Cape Town!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We know what happens in Cape Town.   
> And I'm sorry


	14. Impossible year

(2 weeks later)

Gerard poured some hot coffee into his favorite mug. The smell of the dark liquid made it’s way up through his nostrils and hit his sleepy mind. He glanced at the clocks. 7 am. Perfect time for him. He took a mug and went out to the balcony. He breathed in the smell of early spring morning. Something warm and fuzzy touched his leg. He looked down and met Killjoy’s eyes full of mischief.

“Hey,buddy. You hungry?” - Gerard walked back into the kitchen and grabbed cat's food, placing it on the floor. “C’mere.” The cat appeared near him in a second. 

“Slept well?” - Gerard stroke the cat’s back. He loved talking to him. He did not even know why. Suddenly, a loud sound of a ringing phone filled up the house. Killjoy jumped a little from the surprise.

“What the hell? It’s 7 am..” - Gerard spend at least 20 second looking for the phone, finally noticing it on the couch under the blanket. He grabbed it and answered, without looking at the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Ger..?” - Rushed, quiet voice asked.

“Yes. It’s me. Who’s this?”

“It’s uh.. It’s me Brendon. I knew you would be the only one not sleeping this early, I did not know who else to call..”

“Brendon? Hey, what happened? Are you okay? Are you back?”

“Yes. Can you.. Can you come to the airport? I don’t have any cash for a cab and uh.. I just thought maybe you could pick me up?” - Brendon sounded a little scared, nervous.

“Sure. Of course,man. Stay there, I’ll be in 20.” 

“Thank you, Gerard. I.. Thanks.” - Brendon hang up before Gerard could say anything else. He stared at the phone in his hands for a moment. What the hell was this? Brendon and Ryan were in the Cape Town. They were not coming back for the nest two weeks at least. Something was wrong.. He put the phone into his pocket, grabbed a jacket from the closet and put on his sneakers. 

“Bye, Killjoy.” - He waved to his cat before closing the door behind him.

 

__

Gerard walked into the airport, without having any idea where to look for his friend. He tried to call Brendon, but his phone was off. He finally saw that familiar silhouette standing near the coffee machines, slightly bent, clutching on his backpack.

“Bren?”

Gerard approached the taller boy. He seemed zoned out.

“Brendon..”

The boy flinched, his wide, confused eyes locked with Gerard’s soft ones.

“Ger, hey. Hi, man. You came.”

“Of course I did. What happened? Why did you come back so early? Where’s.. Where’s Ryan?” - Gerard looked around to find another boy, but Brendon was obviously alone.

“He’s uh.. He.. I um..” Brendon stared on the wall, his brows knitted together. “Sorry..What was the question again?”

Gerard sighed. He grabbed his friend’s hand and leaded his out of the building to his car. They sat down and he started the car, glancing at Brendon.

“You wanna come my house?”

“No. No I need to.. Take me home.. Is Josh..?”

“Yeah, I thinks he’s home.”

“Good. Good..” - Brendon looked pale, his hair was messy and seemed like he lost some weight in Africa. Gerard did not like it..

“Okay.. Let’s get you home.” 

The rest of the rise was silent. Gerard was looking at his friend from time to time. Brendon had dark circles under his eye, his hands were shaking and eyes darting from one place to another. Gerard sighed and placed one hand over the boy’s shaking one. Brendon flinched from the touch, but did not move his hand away.

“Whatever it is. It’s gonna be fine, Bren.” - Gerard said softly. Brendon did not look at him, instead he stared out of the window. “It will be okay.”

The car stopped near Brendon’s house. Gerard unbuckled his seatbelt, but Brendon did not seem to move.

“Bren, we’re here.”

“Oh.. Yes.” - The boy unbuckled himself and smiled to his friend. “Thank you, Ger.. you’re the best friend ever.. Thank you.”

“Stop it, for God’s sake! That’s what friends are for. Call me if you need anything,okay?”

Brendon nodded before getting out of the car.

__

A loud banging woke Josh up. He yawned and looked down at his phone, checking for the time. It’s Sunday, who the hell would visit so early? He slowly sat up in the bed, trying really hard not to wake sleeping Tyler beside him, and got up. The banging did not stop.

“I’m coming, for fuck’s sake!” - He mumbled and finally approached the door. He opened it, and his angry face changed with a surprised expression. 

“Brendon?”

Brendon made his way into the house, not saying a word to him.

“Bren, you.. You’re back! Hey! How was your trip? I thought you were coming back at the end of the month. Did you have good time? Where’s Ry?” - Josh felt stupid for asking so many questions. But he was confused as hell.

Brendon dropped his backpack on the floor and crashed down on the couch. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Josh sat down near him.

“Bren, what happened?” - he whispered.

Brendon let out a small laugh, before covering his face with palm. 

“It’s..I.. I don’t understand we..” - Brendon started shaking. Josh never saw him like this before. Brendon was the happy, energized puppy who was jumping around all the time. This broken,fragile boy in front of him was not Brendon. 

“Hey.. Hey, tell me what happened.” - Josh moved to him and locked his friend in his embrace. The next second Brendon was sobbing uncontrollably, tears streaming down his face. Josh stroke his hair away from the face, rocking him back and forth.

“I’ve got you, Bren.. Don’t cry..”

“He said he.. I’m too much.. I’m everywhere.. I just.. He said he needs some time.. He left our hotel room.. For 4 nights.. I was alone.. Fuck, I was so scared for him.. But he.. He was fine he.. He just got another room for himself.. I bought the ticket without telling him.. I.. Fuck Josh.. I love him so much.. I’m unbearable.. I’m disgusting, annoying.. He deserves better I..” - Brendon could not catch his breath. 

Josh’s insides hurt. Brendon and Ryan were the couple he looked up to. The perfect one. The couple who loved each-other so much, they did not need anyone else in this world. He cupped his best friend’s face and looked him in the eyes.

“He will come for you. He needs you. And no, you’re not annoying, or disgusting or anything that you said. You’re a beautiful human being, Brendon. And Ryan loves you. But I swear to God I will punch his perfectly shaped face the minute I see him.”

Brendon smiled at him, sniffling and wiping tears with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“It’s okay.. There’s no need to punch anybody.. I will be fine.. I’ll go lay down for some time.. Thanks, Josh. Sorry for waking you up..” - Brendon got up on his feet, stumbling but keeping his balance. He looked around and saw Tyler’s jacket on the chair.

“Tyler here?” - He asked quietly.

“Uh, yes.. He’s in my room.”

Brendon nodded and smiled.

“Good..I’m so happy for you two.” - He said before leaving the room.


	15. How to save a life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two updates, because why not

Black and white dots were switching behind Tyler’s closed eyelids. He furrowed his brows before opening his eyes. He had to blink several times to get rid of the sleepy-blur. It was morning already. He did not remember how he fell asleep, the last thing he remembered was watching some horror movie with Josh. He yawned and stretched his hands above his head. That’s when he noticed Josh was gone. Then, moving slowly, because sleep was still not fading away, he got up from the bed, put Josh’s huge hoodie on and walked out of the bedroom. He walked barefooted to the kitchen and turned the lights on. He turned around to prepare himself some tea when he saw somebody sitting on the kitchen table. He screamed and even jumped a little. He did not expect anybody to be there, not even Josh. 

“WHAT THE..” - The fear faded away and he finally saw the person’s face. “Bren?!”

Brendon lifted his head and started examining Tyler’s face. He looked confused as hell, like he did not even know where he was.

“Brendon, what re you doing here?” - Tyler slowly approached the other boy, not wanting to scare and confuse him even more. 

“I uh.. I live here?” - He shrugged. The boy sounded nervous and lost.

“I know that but.. Are not you supposed to be in Africa or something?” 

That’s when Josh walked into the kitchen, holding bags of groceries. He put them down on the floor and glanced at Tyler.

“Morning, babe. Look, Brendon’s back from the vacation! Isn’t it cool?” - He tried to sound excited, meanwhile pointing to Tyler with his eyes not to question or say anything. Tyler stared at him, seemed like he got it.

“Oh. Yes, that’s wonderful Bren.” - He looked back at boy who was examining his fingers, like they were the most important thing in the universe. “You want some tea?”

“No.” - Brendon mumbled.

“Bren, you slept at all?” - Josh neared him, his voice was full of concern. The boy shook his head.

“Okay. You know what? Let’s get you something to eat. I brought some of your favorite waffles, want me to prepare them for you?”

“Ryan loves waffles Josh, not me.” - Realization hit Josh. He closed his eyes and cursed quietly. 

“It’s okay. I just.. I left my clothes and luggage in hotel. I’ve literally got nothing. Can you borrow me something..?”

“Sure, Bren. You can pick whatever you want from my closet.” - Brendon nodded and got up, leaving the kitchen. When he disappeared in the door, Josh looked at Tyler and sighed.

“This is shitty. Ryan left him alone in the hotel room for 4 nights. He told him he was too much to bear with or something like this. I don’t know, he doesn’t talk about it.”

Tyler frowned, his brows knitted together. 

“Ryan left him? He said such things to Brendon? He.. He knows about his disorder,right? He knows that Brendon’s hyperactivity is not his fault, doesn’t he? How could he do this?!” - Tyler pushed a chair with his leg and cursed. Josh’s eyes went wide. He has never seen Tyler like this. He knew the topic of mental illness was very important to him, but still.. He approached the boy and hugged him.

“I don’t know why this happened. But they will have to meet and talk,eventually. When Ryan comes back. I think we need to call him and tell Brendon’s here. He did not tell Ryan he was leaving,so..”

“No, he doesn’t deserve it.” - Tyler mumbled and turned around, leaning on the kitchen sink. 

“He does not. But still, it is the right thing to do. I’ll call him.” - With these words Josh grabbed his phone and left the apartment, so Brendon could not hear him. He dialed the number which Ryan used to call him from Africa. After some time, he finally picked up.

“Yeah?” - His voice was cracked. He probably was sleeping.

“It’s Josh. Brendon’s home. I don’t think you were wondering, but yeah. He’s home.” 

“Wait, Josh?!” - Ryan suddenly exclaimed. “He’s home? Thanks God. Oh, I nearly shitted myself, I thought he got lost somewhere or something..I went looking for him everywhere! Is he okay?”

“No. And fuck you. Fuck you for destroying him, Ross. What the hell happened to you?! How could you..”

“Stop.. I.. I know okay? I know I was being a dick to him, but.. Fuck Josh, the tension on the job, the jet lag, it got too much for me and I exploded,okay?”

“For 4 days, Ryan?!”

“I get it. I am an idiot. I’m coming back next week and we will talk..”

“I doubt he will talk to you ever again, Ryan. You know how insecure he is because of his ADHD but you pushed the right buttons to break him, you son of a bitch..”

“Josh I..”

“Don’t mind calling me or Tyler or anyone when you get back. You have the keys, You can come in and pick your shit up. We don’t need you. Brendon does not need you. You broke his heart, so if I see you anywhere, I’ll fucking break your nose.” - With these words Josh hang up and clutched his phone. He has never had anger issues, but Ryan deserved every word he said. Josh looked down to his phone and noticed the text message he got earlier. It was from Gerard. 

“Don’t leave him alone. Pay attention to his eating habits and sleep. We will visit later. Take care of him. And yourself. He needs us.” 

Josh typer back a quick “thank you, love you” to his friend and walked back to the apartment. Brendon needed them. For once, Brendon was the one who needed to be taken care of..


	16. You begin to wonder why you came

A soft knock snapped Brendon out of his thoughts. Not the best ones, to be honest. He’s been lying in his (their) bed for the whole afternoon, inhaling the last pieces of Ryan’s smell that was left on his pillow. His mind was still processing the situation. He crawled out of the blankets, but realized was too weak to get up, so he just mumbled:

“Hmm..?”

“Can I come in?” - Gerard’s voice came from the other side of the door.

“Mhm…” 

Red-hair walked into the room, shutting the door behind him and sat down on Brendon’s (and Ryan’s) bed. He stroked away the hair from Brendon’s face and smiled at him.

“Hey there.”

Brendon covered his face with blanket and sighed.

“Bren, Josh told me you barely leave the room to eat or drink some water. You know it is wrong,right?” - Gerard whispered, but did not get the response. He laid down next to the boy and wrapped his arms around him. 

“Hey.. Look at me.” - Brendon looked up from the blanket, sad eyes meeting Gerard’s soft, warm ones. “He does not deserve you,Bren. You have to understand it.. It’s not your fault.” - Brendon rested his head on his friend’s chest and closed his eyes. “Don’t you blame yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong. You are beautiful, and deserve somebody who will see this beauty. You got me?” - The other boy nodded slowly. Gerard smiled. “Good. You promise me to get better, okay?” - The broken boy nodded again.

“Words,Bren. Use your words.”

“I promise..” - He whispered. Gerard kissed Brendon’s temple and squeezed him harder.

“Ouch!” 

“What? Too much of bromance for you, buddy?” - Red-hair laughed.

“You look like a little bean but are in fact really strong, Ger.” - Brendon laughed. Finally, after 3 days, he laughed.

“I’ve got an idea. Let’s change sheets on your bed and redecorate. What do you think?” - Brendon knew Gerard wanted to get rid of everything that reminded him of Ryan. But Brendon reminded himself of Ryan the most. 

“Yeah. Okay.. But maybe later? I’m just really tired..” 

“Sure, Bren. Close your eyes and sleep.” - Gerard was still holding his friend. But Brendon did not mind. Maybe, after all, with a help of his friends, he could get over Ryan Ross..

__

“Josh, you promised!”

“I know Ty, I’m really sorry okay? There’s nothing I can do.”

“But it’s a Friday night. Mario Kart night!” - Tyler frowned. Josh approached him and kissed the smaller boy’s hair. 

“I know,baby. But I have to go. They need me to help with some organization stuff. But I promise I’ll be back really soon and we will play, okay?”

“Like you promised to never leave on Friday nights?” - Tyler crossed arms on his chest and sighed. He was sitting on the floor. The other boy crouched near him, searching for his eyes.

“Ty..” - He smiled at him and slowly raised his hands to tickle the boy. 

“No, no don’t you dare Joshua Dun!” - Tyler tried to get up, but Josh was obviously faster and stronger. He locked the boy in his arms and started tickling him.

“N..NO! NO OH MY GOD PLEASE! OKAY OKAY YOU CAN GO!” - Tyler was screaming and laughing at the same time, kicking his legs and trying to pull away. 

“You love me?!” - Josh asked with a laugh.

“Yes..YES I LOVE YOU LET ME GO, DAMN IT!” - Finally, Tyler managed to pull away and was now lying on the floor, trying to catch his breath.

“That..That’s so unfair!” - He mumbled.

“I know.” - Josh shrugged and crawled near Tyler. He cupped his face and smiled down at him. 

“What else do you know? “ - Tyler asked with a grin.

“I know how to do this.” - Josh leaned down and locked his lips with Tyler’s soft, red ones. He kissed him, passionately, deeply. He pulled away only when Tyler let out a quiet moan and Josh felt something twitching in his jeans. He had to go to work. 

“I’ll be back soon, okay?” - He whispered, still breathing heavily. “And then..”

“Okay..And we will try to be quiet and not wake up Brendon or Gerard.” - Tyler whispered back. Josh nodded and got up. He grabbed his jacket from the couch and helped Tyler to get up. He kissed the boy once again before leaving the room. Josh picked up his backpack and opened the front door. 

“Oh shit.” - Josh jumped a little. Somebody was standing near the door, looked like there were just about to knock. Josh knitted his brows and tried to look at their face.

“Ryan?!"


	17. Sugarcane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone remember Ryan's tweet about Brendon? Yeap, there it is. A reference. A sad one. Sorry. Bye.

Tyler glanced back at his boyfriend before the bright-haired boy opened the front door to leave for his work. Then he looked back at the TV, deciding to turn on his favorite TV show and wait for Josh to come home. That’s when he heard some kind of a mumbling in the hallway, not the expected sound of the door shutting. Suddenly, a loud groan filled up the whole building.

“FUCK!” - Somebody whimpered, while Josh quietly cursed to himself. Tyler flew up to his legs and appeared near the boy in a second. Josh was clutching his fist, which was covered with.. Blood? Tyler’s eyes went wide as he looked to the door. There was nobody there. Until he looked down and saw the lanky boy laying on his back and covering his nose with shaking fingers.

“Son of a bitch.” - Josh whispered. It took a whole minute for Tyler to register who the unknown boy was. 

“Josh what the hell?!” - He whisper-screamed to the angry boy.

“He deserved it.” - Josh answered. Tyler rolled his eyes and approached Ryan, crouching beside him.

“Come on,man. Get up.” - He grabbed his forearm and pushed him up. Stumbling, Ryan finally got on his feet, one hand still covering his bloody nose.

“I gotta go. Ty, don’t let him near Brendon, you got me?” - Josh sounded dead serious.

“Yes, Josh. Okay. Go, I’ll take care of it.” - Tyler literally pushed the boy out from the appartment and shut the door behind him. He turned around to face Ryan, who was staring at his feet like a guilty child.

“You’re lucky I was here,you know that right?” - Tyler said, crossing hands on his chest. Ryan nodded.

“I know. I kinda deserve it,so..” - Tyler moved past Ryan and walked into the living room. The other boy was still standing in the hallway.

“You’re gonna stand there for the whole night?”

“Uh? Oh, no. Yes, sorry..” - Ryan slowly approached one of their couches and sat down. Tyler felt slightly embarrassed. It was Ryan’s house, not his. He sighed and sat down near the boy.

“You’re here to fix things up?” - He murmured. 

“Yes.. I-I want to.. I need him.. I was so stupid.” - Tyler nodded.

“Josh warned me not to let you near Bren,but.. I think you two should talk. I can leave if you want..” - Tyler looked up at the boy. 

“No. No, Ty. I’ll just go to our..uh, his room.” 

“Okay.” - Tyler smiled. Why did he smile at someone who broke his friend’s heart? Maybe because everybody, who tries to fix things up,deserves a smile. 

__

Brendon was sitting on the floor, back leaning to his bed and strumming on his old guitar. His eyes were closed and he was not wearing a shirt.When he heard the door open, he was pretty sure it was Josh or Tyler, so he did not bother to open his eyes. The person kept standing there, probably staring at him and after minutes of this process Brendon got annoyed and snapped his eyes open. He did not expect to see his Ryan in the doorframe. He froze in a place, fingers unable to move from the guitar, vocal chords not managing to produce any sound. Ryan stepped in, closing the door behind him. 

“Hello,Bren..”

Brendon swallowed hardly, finally put away the guitar and curiously looked up at the boy.

“You’re probably thinking : what the hell is he doing here, right?” - Ryan let out a nervous laugh. Brendon kept staring. “I need you.”

“No.” - Brendon managed to finally say something. Ryan’s eyes went wide.

“Wha.. Bren I..”

“I said no.” - The boy got up on his feet and approached Ryan, not breaking an eye contact with him. “I don’t care what you need, Ross. I don’t fucking care.”

“Bren let me explain.. I was stupid.. It just.. I exploded, I made a mistake..” - Ryan was literally begging him now, asking for a chance. But Brendon exploded too. After a week of staying calm and numb, he exploded. Like a bomb. His eyes were wide from an anger, hair falling on his face, but he couldn’t care less. As for Ryan.. Ryan realized once again how beautiful Brendon was, even when he was furious.

“You left me.” - Brendon’s voice cracked pathetically. Something inside Ryan broke with Brendon’s voice.

“I regret it. I regret every minute without you. I regret hurting you..” - Ryan slowly approached Brendon and cupped the boy’s face with his palms. Brendon looked away from him. “I regret leaving you,alone. I regret saying those words.. Fuck Bren, I regret everything..” - He rested their foreheads together and closed his eyes. “Please, please forgive me..” - He whispered. 

Tears were now streaming down Brendon’s face. He touched Ryan’s hands, which were still cupping his face. He curled his fingers around the boy’s wrists. He saw a tear sliding on Ryan’s cheek. For the first time ever, Ryan cried. For him.

“Ryan.” - Brendon whispered and met the other boy’s eyes full of sorrow. “You need to leave..” 

Ryan couldn’t stop a wet sob equation his lips.

“You broke my heart. I can’t.. It is too much for me to deal with.. I’m too weak. I seem strong but.. I’m weak as fuck.” - Brendon whispered. He pulled away from the boy and was now standing in front of him. “If you love me, let me go.. Please.."

“Bren..”

“Ryan.. Leave. I will..I will tell Josh to help you with moving your stuff out.”

Ryan breathed in,staring at the boy in front of him. His Brendon.

“You’re my boy. Always will be.” - He whimpered. Brendon nodded slowly.

“I know, Ry..” 

Then he left.   
Ryan left, not shutting the door behind him.   
Brendon was left alone,once again. 

Tyler was still sitting on the couch when Ryan stormed off the room.

“Ryan?! What happened?” - He tried to follow the boy but he was gone in a second. Tyler run to Brendon’s room. His friend was standing in the middle of the room, eyes wide and tears falling like a waterfall. 

“Brendon..” - That was the last string. Brendon’s knees became too weak to hold him and Tyler run to him just in time to catch the boy. Brendon cried harder, messier. With his whole body, soul.

“It’s done… It’s over.. He’s gone..” - He was sobbing in Tyler’s chest. Tyler was stroking his hair and rocking him back and forth. “Ty, my moon fell down.."


	18. House of memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuteness cuteness cuteness

Ninth shot of vodka was burning Brendon’s throat. He shook his head and breathed in sharply. He managed to sneak out from Tyler’s sight somehow, lying he was going to visit some of his friends. He was always good with lying. He pointed to the barman, signaling him to add more shots. 

“You wanna get drown in these?” - He heard a familiar voice near him. Brendon slowly moved his head to the left to meet Dallon’s smiley face.

“Hel-lo Weekes.” - Brendon tried to sound sober, but it was really hard to do. Dalton’s brows knitted together when he realized a state Brendon was in. 

“Are you alone here?” - His voice was full of concern and Brendon hated it.

“Yes. ‘M alone.” - He shrugged and took another glass of vodka. Dallon’s long fingers suddenly wrapped around his wrist as he grabbed the drink from his hand.

“I think you’ve had enough, Bren.”

Brendon frowned. 

“What ‘r you doing’ here? I mean.. Where’s M-Mikey?” 

“I don’t know where’s Mikey. I came here to have fun but now I see I won’t have any. You’ve drank too much, Brendon.” 

“You sound like my father.”- The boy let out a small laugh.

“And?”

“And I hate him.” - He whispered and looked straight into Dallon’s soft eyes. The taller boy sighed.

“Brendon, where is Ryan?”

“F-Fuck Ryan!” - He suddenly exclaimed. “Fuck Ryan Ross! You hear me, people?! Fuck Ryan George Ross!!” - He was shouting now. Dallon got up from his seat and pushed Brendon up from the chair. The left some money on the table for the barman and leaded the boy out from the bar, grabbing their jackets on his way. When they stepped out, Brendon stumbled and almost fell down on his face but Dallon caught him.

“Can you walk?” - He asked quietly. Brendon nodded and pushed the boy away, but the next minute he felt his knees getting weaker.

“‘Kay, maybe I can’t.” - He mumbled when Dallon caught him again. The taller boy wrapped his hand around Brendon’s waist. 

“I’m going to take you home, okay?”

“No!” - Brendon shouted. “No. No I hate that house. Please don’t..” - His voice cracked at the end. 

“Okay, Bren. I’ll take you to my house and you can leave in the morning, when you’re sober enough to walk on your own, deal?” - Brendon nodded. 

__

Dallon returned from the kitchen, holding a glass of water and an Aspirin pill for Brendon. The other boy was sitting on the couch, hands clutching on his hair and elbows leaning on the knees. He has sobered up a little already.

“Here. You’’ll thank me in the morning.” - Dallon mumbled and sat a glass down on the table. Brendon stayed quiet, he did look up. “Bren?”

“Thank you.” - The boy whispered quietly. It barely reached Dallon. He sat down near Brendon and put his hand on boy’s knee.

“It’s fine. And Brendon..” - The boy looked up at him. “It will be okay. Trust me.” Suddenly, Brendon’s eyes filled up with tears and he covered his face with his palms.

“It.. It’s not supposed to.. to hurt so fucking badly,right?.. Love is not supposed to destroy you..” - He sobbed. Dallon wrapped his arms around the boy’s thin frame. 

“I know, okay? I know it hurts. I know it destroys you from the inside. Eats you alive. But eventually, it fades away. You never heal from it, but it stops to burn.” - He whispered. Brendon was listening to him, his breathing was steading. “Don’t fight it. You can’t drink them away. You can’t smoke them away. You can’t cry them out..” 

Dallon felt a weak squeeze of cold fingers on his arm. 

“Who broke you..? “ - Brendon whispered. Dallon stayed quiet. “Was it Mikey?”

“No. No Bren. Me and Mikey were just too different. Someone else broke me..”

“Have you rec-recovered?”

“No. I never will..”

“Me neither?” - Brendon asked. 

“I don’t know.. We can try to heal and fix your broken heart.” - Dallon shrugged. Brendon buried his head in boy’s chest and sighed.

“Nobody can fix me.”

“You don’t need to be fixed,Bren. You need to be loved..”

“I can’t be loved.”

“I disagree.” - Dallon said “Everybody can be loved.”

“I am too much..” - Brendon continued. Dallon wanted to hug the sadness out of him.

“You’re not too much. Maybe Ryan is not capable of love.”

“Are you capable of love?” - Brendon asked quietly. Dallon’s guts twisted.

“Yes.. Yes I am, I think.”

“Do you love anyone?” - Dallon smiled at this. He inhaled Brendon’s vanilla smell before answering.

“I do. I love a boy I met this winter.”

“What is he like?” - Brendon was already half-asleep. 

“He smells like vanilla."


	19. Friend,please

“Yes, Tyler, he’s still sleeping. No, he did not do anything stupid. Yes, I will take care of him, for God’s sake. Yes. Okay. Yes. Fine. Okay. Okay. Bye,Ty, take care.” - Dallon sighed as he hung up the phone. He turned around to glance at peacefully sleeping Brendon on his couch. He slowly approached him and sat down near the boy. He stroke the hair away from Brendon’s face with his long fingers. Brendon was a definition of beauty,especially when he looked calm like this. His dark, long eyelashes were touching his pale cheeks. He mumbled something before opening his eyes and meeting Dallon’s face. After a moment of blinking a blur away, his eyes went wide and he sat up quickly.

“What.. Where.. Dal..” - He tried to steady his breathing but failed. 

“Bren, hey, calm down. Breath with me come on. In and out. It’s me, you’re safe..” - Dallon squeezed his hand as the other boy finally breathed normally.

“What am I.. Oh, I got drunk yesterday didn’t I.” - Brendon covered his face with his hands and cursed quietly.

“Yeah, you kinda did. But It’s okay, I found you in the bar down the street and saved you. I’m your hero Brendon Urie.” - Dallon smiled as Brendon peaked with one eye out of his fingers. He started laughing and let his hands fall down to his lap.

“Oh, thank you my hero. I’d probably get laid yesterday but you “saved” me from it. Good job.” 

“You would end up vomiting your guts out, Urie. So yes, you’re welcome.” - Dallon winked and got up. “Want some tea?”

“Yeah, that’s be great.” - Brendon yawned and kicked the blanket away. “Hey, Dal?”

“Yes?”

“I remember nothing. So if I did something wrong, I’m sorry okay? With my ADHD alcohol makes me unbearably insane and I..”

“It’s okat Bren. You did nothing, I promise.

“Good.” - Brendon grinned. “So, what did we talk about?"

Dallon looked down at his hands and sighed.

“You uh.. You’ve told me that you think you’re too hard to be loved.” - He looked up and saw Brendon’s eyes suddenly become too sad. “Do you still think so?”

“I uh.. Well, it’s a fact, you know..” - Brendon whispered.

“I don’t think so. In fact, it’s really easy to fall for you. You’re a wonderful human being. So, let me quote you - “Fuck Ryan Ross.” You’re a good man, Brendon. Trust me.” - Dallon smiled. 

“Thanks Dal.. For taking care of my drunk ass. And everything.” - The other boy smiled back.   
__

“I can’t believe you’ve let him go out!”

“Josh, he told me he wanted to visit his friend. His not a child, I can’t tell him what to do..”

“Yes well, thanks to you he could end up beaten up or something else, Tyler! You never do anything right, what the hell is wrong with you?!” - Josh shouted and regretted in a second when he saw tears gathering up in his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Fuck Ty, I..”

“It’s okay. I’m-I’m fine.” - Tyler quickly wiped the tears from his cheeks. “You’re right. I am sorry I let Brendon go out.”

“Ty, I didn’t mean any of it.. I swear, I’m so sorry..”

“It’s okay, Jish.” - Tyler tried to smile , but Josh knew it was not sincere. “Come on, let’s get something to eat. You hungry?”

“Ty..”

“Put on something warm, it’s really cold outside. I’m gonna use a bathroom and then we can go, okay?” - Tyler did not wait for his respond. He disappeared in a bathroom and shut the door behind him. He slid down the door and squeezed his eyes shut as the familiar voice spoke up in his mind.

“You knew it would happen eventually, didn’t you?”

“Fuck off..” - Tyler whispered.

“Listen to me,Tyler. This time we’re doing it my way. And you’re gonna be a good boy, you will do everything I tell you, you got me?!”

Tyler nodded slowly.

“Good. Very good. You know what to do.”

“I won’t..”

“You will. Oh, you will, my little boy. Come on. when was the last you’ve let your pain out? You can cover it, Josh won’t notice. This once, one last time. You know you want it.”

Maybe this once, Blurry was right.


	20. Light them up

Josh has been sitting on the floor for one hour now, leaning his back on the bathroom.

“Ty,please..” - He’s been begging Tyler to open the door and let him in, because the boy locked himself up for a long time and it scared the hell out of Josh. “I was so stupid, I did not mean any of these things. Please, you’re scaring me, open the door.. I need to see you.” He did not get a respond, only quiet sobs. He sighed and closed his eyes.

“I love you, Tyler. More than anything in the world. I can’t lose you, please don’t scare me.. Let me in.” - That’s when he heard a door lock turning. He jumped to his feet and looked up at Tyler, who was standing there like a guilty child and sniffling. His eyes were red and puffy.

“Oh,Ty..” - Josh ran to the boy and hugged him, he felt Tyler’s shaking fingers clutching on his back. “I am sorry.”

“I-I couldn’t do it.” - Tyler whimpered.

“You couldn’t do what, Ty?” - Josh pulled away and cupped Tyler’s face, searching of his eyes, but the boy looked away.

“Fight him. I couldn’t do anything..” - Tyler slowly rolled up his sleeves and revealed fresh, still bleeding cuts. Josh stopped breathing for a moment. He grabbed the boy’s hands and examined his wounds.

“Ty, you should have let me in..”

“I know. Jish, I am so sorry..” - Tyler sobbed. 

“Come here.” - Josh locked the boy into his embrace, inhaling his smell. Tyler buried his nose in Josh’s chest. “You’re okay. We’re okay. I’ve got you. Let me take care of this. I am sorry I said those things to you..”

“It’s not your fault, Josh. He just became too loud..” - Josh kissed smaller boy’s messy hair.

“It’s okay, I’m here..”

__

 

Brendon sat down on the cold tiles of Dallon’s balcony floor. He brought a cigarette to his mouth and started looking for the lighter in his pockets. It was gone. He closed his eyes, still holding the joint with his lips and leaned on the wall cursing quietly.

“Need some light?” - He heard Dallon’s voice and opened his eyes to see a boy was handing him a lighter.

“Yeah, thanks Dal.” - Brendon lighted up a cigarette and inhaled deeply. “Wanna join?”

“Uh, no, thanks. I don’t smoke.” - Dallon sat dow near the boy.

“Since when?”

“I’ve never smoked.” 

“Oh.” - Brendon’s brain was playing games with him. Ryan smoked, not Dallon. 

“In fact,I think you should quit it.” - Dallon mumbled. Brendon lifted his eyebrows and curiously looked at the taller boy. “What? You know they slowly kill you right?” 

In a response, Brendon pulled another cigarette, lighted it and started to smoke two cigarettes at once. Of course he knew they were killing him. That’s the most fun.

“Bren.” - Dallon’s voice was full of concern. He grabbed the joints from Brendon’s mouth and put them into a glass of water that was on the window frame, 

“What the hell, Dallon?!” - Brendon snapped.

“Stop it. If you wanna get yourself killed at least do it somewhere else.” - Dallon sounded angry and Brendon did not like it. He looked down to the floor and said nothing back. They sat in silence for the next couple of minutes until Brendon spoke up.

“I don’t need anyone taking care of me,you know.” - He mumbled. Dallon scoffed and looked at him.

“Seriously? Want me to remind you last night?”

“Okay, except that.” - Brendon sighed. “I hate when people care too much, you know. Like my dad.. He used to get overprotective sometimes. He wanted me to be his perfect son, religious straight Jesus lover. But I was a complete opposite. Smoking, drinking, having sex with boys and staying out for too late. We had “the talks” every other evening, he was threatening to throw me out. But I never listened. Until one day he did. I remember my mother shedding tears, crying and begging him to let me stay. But he did not. I wouldn’t stay anyways, but still.. He threw me out, with no money at all. It’s been five years,and I still remember like it was yesterday. I remember every word he said to me. i’ve never seen him, or my mom, or my brothers ever again. I am a loner, you know. Or I was, before I met Ryan. But nothing good stay with me. So now I’m alone, again.” - He let out an ironic laugh. He laughed at himself, at how pathetic he sounded. “Sorry, I just..”

“No. No, it’s fine. I’m glad you told me.” - Dallon said. “And you’re not alone. You’ve got your friends. Ty, Josh, Gerard..Me. I care about you, I worry.”

Brendon looked up and smiled at the other boy.

“I know. You’re right.”

Dallon elbowed him weakly and laughed. 

“Stop moping around, you’re a big boy, Urie.”

“Yeah, I am. It’s just.. I’ve never been in love,you know. I’ve had some relationships. Girls, boys.. But it was different with Ry.. I loved him.. Maybe I still do.” - He whispered the last sentence. 

“You want him back?”

“I don’t think I’ll handle it.”

“Love does it to you. Confuses you, scares you even. You don’t know what to do, you want to find a way and forget them, but they somehow always manage to find their way back. So yeah, it’s really hard to bury this feeling inside of you. It never works.” 

“Wow, look at you.” - Brendon smiled. “Someone’s madly in love, huh?”

“You’ve got no idea.” - Dallon laughed. He knew Brendon remembered nothing of their conversation from last night.

“I want to meet them.”

“Well.. He needs to find himself first.”

“So it’s Him!” - Brendon exclaimed. “Not Mikey, right?”

“Nope.”

“Well-well.. Promise me I’ll meet them someday.”

“You will, there’s no other way.” - Dallon smiled.


	21. Come home

It's been one month. One month since the Moon has fallen down. One month since Brendon's life has become colorless,meaningless. Ryan left. No calls, no texts, nothing. He left and Brendon was mess. Drinking away his pain and heartache. For the first week something kept him strong. Hope,maybe. Hope that Ryan would come back. But he never did.   
Messed boy was sitting on the steps of his own house, holding a bottle of whiskey in one hand and the cigarette on the other. His throat hurt, his chest tightened. The world seemed to fall down on him. Josh and Tyler were out of the town for the two days, and these two days were probably the worst in Brendon's life. Gerard came by, but Brendon did not open the door. Dallon has been calling him since morning, but the boy ignored him. He squeezed his grip on the bottle, shutting his eyes and breathing out a cigarette smoke. He hated Ryan ross. He loved Ryan Ross so much that he hated him. 

"Seriously?" - A disappointed voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Brendon slowly opened his eyes and looked up to see Dallon, arms crossed on his chest and sighing. "What is it, fourth time this week, Bren? And it's only Thursday." 

Brendon shrugged in responce and drank a cold liquid from the bottle.

"Okay, I think you've had enough. How many times do I have to find you in this state?!" - Dallon grabbed the drink out of his hands. He sounded angry, annoyed. 

" 'M sorry." - Brendon mumbled and covered his face with hands. Dallon sat down beside him on the stairs and breathed out.

"Brendon, he's not coming back."

"I know.. I know. I just.. Need some time,okay?" 

"That's not what you need." - Dallon shook his head. Brendon looked up to meet his eyes. "You need to let go."

"I can't. I love him, Dal.. It hurts." - Brendon put his hand to his chest, tears gathering up in his sad eyes. "It hurts so fucking much.He's gone and there's nothing I can do."

The taller boy wrapped him in his long arms and stroke the hair away from Brendon's face.

"I know it hurts.I know it is huge.. But you're stronger." - He whispered. Brendon closed his eyes. He wanted to disappear, to no longer exist. "I'm here for you. I always will be."

"But why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you care so much?"

Dallon pulled away, looking down into the boy's eyes. 

"You don't get it, do you?" - Brendon shook his head sadly. "You're.. you're my friend Bren. I care about you." - Dallon said and swallowed hardly. 

"I could easily fall in love with you, you know." - Brendon suddenly said and Dallon's heart missed beat. "If there was not Ryan."

"Well.." - Dallon tried to smile at him. "You can make him disappear." 

"How?"

"Like this." - The taller boy leaned down, meeting Brendon's chapped lips. The other boy responded in a second. The kiss was not passionate. It was slow, fragile. Dallon run his fingers through Brendon's hair. Finally, both breathing heavily, they pulled away. Brendon's eyes got wide suddenly. It only lasted a moment.

"What have we done.." - he whispered, hands clutching on his hair.

"Bren, I'm sorry. I should have not.."

"I betrayed him. He will never come back to me. Dal, what have I done." - Tears started to stream down his face and Dallon wanted to kill himself. He should have not let this happen.

"You did not betray him.."

"You don't understand. Fuck this, fuck me." - Brendon jumped to his feet and stumbled, nearly falling down but somehow managed to balance himself. 

"Where are you going?!" - Dallon stood up and tried to grab the boy's hand but he flinched.

"Away. Somewhere. I need to.. I gotta.. M' Sorry." Brendon turned around on his heel and run own the street. Dallon was frozen on his place, not able to move. He wanted to chase him, catch and hug him, never let him go. But he just stood, watching Brendon slowly disappearing around the corner.


	22. Cape Town

After a long, boring day Gerard did not expect to get a call at 1 a.m. And he definitely did not expect it to be sobbing Brendon. The boy begged him to meet him at the club down the street. Red-hair was getting used to literally dragging his friend's asses out from the troubles, so he left his house wearing nothing but his sweatpants and a hoodie and jogged to the bar. The minute he opened the door a heavy smell of smoke and alcohol crawled up in his nostrils. He frowned and examined the club, looking for his friend. He finally spotted the boy near the bar. 

"Hey,buddy." - He sat down beside Brendon and ordered a glass of juice. 

"Orange juice, in the club. Classic Gerard Way." - Brendon mumbled. 

"Tell me everything." - The boy smiled at his friend. Brendon started to talk. About everything. Ryan, Dallon, himself, the kiss, the fight. Gerard listened, his eyes never leaving the boy's sad face as he talked, waving his hands and nearly shouting from the emotions. After he finished, he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

"What am I supposed to do?" - He mumbled. 

"Well.." - Gerard cleared his throat. "First of all.. I don't think you betrayed Ryan by kissing someone else. Ryan left. He's gone, Bren. You no longer belong to him. So you can kiss or do whatever the hell you want. The thing is.. You think you still love him. But is it Ryan that you love, or the memories you had with him?"

Brendon knitted his brows together. He did not think about it.

"Look. I get it, it is hard to let go and stuff.. But Bren, he broke your heart. He couldn't handle you. With all your ups and downs. What is love? Thick or thin, together. That's what it is. But Ryan could not handle it. And you know what? Somebody else will. Maybe.. Maybe Dallon will." - Brendon looked up at his friend. Gerard shrugged. "What? Who knows what's in the boy's heart."

"I can't. Not now."

"Brendon, I'm not telling you to run and marry Dallon. But don't push him away. He's a good guy. And he cares about you." - Brendon's eyes went wide. "Seriously?! You've never noticed? What the hell is wrong with you. He's obsessed with you, Bren."

"I've never.. Wow." 

"Yeah. What you need to do is stop caring about what's gone and open your eyes." - Gerard sipped his juice. Brendon stayed quiet. He knew his friend was right. Like aways. That's why he called Gerard. 

"Thanks." - He finally responded. Gerard smiled at him and patted his shoulder. "More juice?"

"Yeah." - He laughed. 

The bell that was hanging on the doors rang and Gerards head turned around while Brendon was talking with barman. 

"You've got to be kidding me.." - He mumbled. 

"Huh?" - Brendon looked at him confused. 

"Uh, nothing. Nothing I just.." - Brendon followed the boy's gaze and froze. His lips parted but he couldn't manage to produce any sound. His heart dropped and he felt something swirling in his chest. This couldn't me real, this was not right. This city is huge. It has hundreds and thousands of bars,clubs and pubs. Lots of places to go. And for some reason, Ryan fucking Ross decided to come here. Today. At 2 a.m. Brendon felt his hands started to shake. He felt a strong grip on his forearm but couldn't tear his eyes off the tall boy. He looked... Different? His hair was longer, his eyes shimmered in a different way. He was wearing a black leather jacket, skinny jeans and his favorite rings on his long, slender fingers. He looked beautiful,as always and Brendon wanted to disappear. The grip hardened.

"..ndon! Brendon! Look at me!" - Gerard's voice snapped him out of his trans. He slowly looked back at the red-head, who was shouting now. "We need to leave, Bren. You're having a panic attack." 

"No. No,no,no I need to.. I gotta.." - He couldn't catch his breath, he was hyperventilating now. His face was burning, lungs hurt and were about to explode. Gerard dragged him towards the door. Ryan was standing with his back facing the boys. He needed to get Brendon out of here before..

"Gerard?" - Oh, hell. He froze and slowly turned around, a fake smile shining on his face. 

"Ryan! What a surprise!" - He exclaimed. 

"Hey, man." - The boy approached him. He was squeezing a bottle of beer and holding cigarette in his lips. "How are you? What are you doing here? Never thought you were a club-type." - He laughed loudly.

"I am not." - Gerard mumbled. That's when Ryan looked at the person standing behind the boy. A bottle slipped from his hand, crashing with a loud noise. A barman cursed loudly from somewhere near the bar, but he could not care less. Ryan's eyes went wide as he stared at Brendon. Messy hair was falling down his face, he looked thinner than ever, dark circles rounded his sad eyes. "We were just about to leave. But it was nice to see you.." - Gerard turned around but Ryan stopped him.

"No. No,please. Don't leave." - He looked back at Brendon, who was shaking violently.

"He needs to go out, Ryan" - Gerard said. "He's having a panic attack."

"Let me handle it. I beg you." - Gerard sighed and let go of Brendon's trembling hand.

"Okay."

Ryan grabbed the boy's hand and leaded him out. A cold air hit Brendon's face as he stepped out and bent down coughing, nearly puking. He could not breath properly.He leaned on the brick wall with his back and slowly slide down. 

"Hey.. Hey look at me." - Ryan's soft voice was soothing his brain. The boy kneeled in front of him and cupped his face. "Breath with me. Like we used to do it, remember? In and out, slowly. In,out. In,out. Yeah, like that.." - He whispered. Brendon felt his cheeks getting wet. Why was he crying? He should hate him. He left and never came back ,never called or wrote to him. 

"You.. You left me." - He whimpered pathetically. He wanted to slap himself mentally.

"Oh, Bren.." - Ryan sighed and wiped his face with a palm. 

"You left me.. You never came back. I waited. I fucking waited!" - Brendon sobbed, hands clutching on his face as he rocked back and forth. 

"Look at me. Open your eyes." - Ryan said quietly. Brendon did. He looked at him and regretted it in a second. Tears were drawing paths on Ryan's face. 

"No.. No,don't cry.." - Brendon's voice cracked as he touched the boy's face gently. Ryan cried. Quietly. 

"What have I done to you." - Ryan let out a broken whisper. "I destroyed you.."

"You created me." - Brendon squeezed the boy's fingers.

"No. I never deserved you. That's why I left.." - Brendon felt his insides twisting. Ryan continued to whisper. "I love you so fucking much.."

"Ryan.."

"No, please don't say anything. I am so sorry for all the pain I've caused. I've destroyed you. I've hurt you, I..."

"Ry.."

"..And I never deserved you, you are beautiful and wonderful and you taste like magic. You deserve someone better and kinder and.."

"I've kissed someone else."

"..And somebody who will love.." - Ryan froze suddenly, words registering in his mind. Brendon kissed someone else. Brendon's lips met someone else's mouth. Brendon was not his anymore. 

"I kissed somebody. It happened. I don't regret it, and I don't think I had to tell you. I just wanted you to know." - Brendon mumbled.

Ryan was staring at him, not a word escaped his mouth. He looked destroyed. Good. He deserved it. But it still hurt Brendon. 

"Yes..Yes you're right. You don't owe me anything, so.." - His voice was quite, broken. He slowly stood on his feet. "You're feeling better,right?" Brendon nodded slowly. "Good.. Good. I'll go then.." 

"You're not coming back,are you?" - Brendon whispered. Ryan stood there, eyes swirling holes in Brendon's chest. He spoke up suddenly.

"Remember how you told me not fear the dark? Well, right now I am living in the dark. And I.. I no longer fear it. I became dark. And you - you are a light. a Moonlight." - Tears were sliding down his face, but his eyes looked.. peaceful. "I love you, Brendon Urie. The thing is.. I don't care if you kiss someone else. I don't care if you make love to someone else or marry them. You need to be happy, you have to. That's how I know this pain was worth it. Please, please be happy. Fall for someone, kiss them, belong to them.. Because even when you have kids and grandkids, no matter how many years will pass.. I will never stop loving you. I'm never letting you go. Remember this. You're always going to be my boy.." - After this, Ryan licked his lips, finally tearing his eyes off Brendon's mouth. He tried to smile at him. He really tried. "Good bye, Brendon. " - He turned around and walked away. Brendon stared at him before he disappeared. He wanted to scream, wanted to tell Ryan not to leave him. But he never did. 

Ryan left again.

This time forever.

Brendon looked up. Lonely moonlight was shimmering in the dark.


	23. We're broken people

Brendon shut the door behind his back and fell down on the bed, covering his face with palms. He let out a shaking breath. Everything was still registering in his mind. His good-bye with Ryan happened a week ago. He looked up at the wall to check the time. 9 a.m. He's been out for the whole night, drinking and smoking his pain away. He wanted to forget himself. Because there was no other way he would forget Ryan. He heard mumbling from the other room. He knew Josh would eventually knock on his door, ask if he's okay or if he needs anything. For some reason, Josh always thought that words can help. Josh wanted to talk to Brendon, wanted to tell him everything would be alright. But words never help. Tyler, on the other hand. Tyler understood. And Brendon was really sad about it, because obviously, Tyler have been battling with the sadness for too many years. He never asked questions, he never talked about personal stuff. He would prepare Brendon a tea, quietly bring it to his room and leave, without any words. Tyler would help drunk Brendon to get to his bed while Josh tried to tell him how wrong it was. He knew it was wrong. Of course he knew. He heard another mumble, now coming down from the hallway. He was sure he saw someone else sitting on the couch with the boys when he walked in, but he did not really pay attention. He mumbled a quiet "Hello" and went straight to his room. Somebody knocked. Probably Josh. After a moment, the door opened and revealed Dallon, slightly embarrassed. He was looking down, avoiding Brendon's gaze.

"Can I come in?" - He asked. Brendon shrugged and looked away to the window. The weather was really good today. The sun was shining, but it was cold. He loved cold. It made him feel stuff.

"Brendon?" - Dallon's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He had a hard time with concentrating these days, his attention was drifting away every second. He shook his head and tried to look at the boy in front of him.

"Yeah?"

"We need to talk." - Dallon approached his bed. 

"Okay." - He turned his gaze back to the window. He liked that his window was facing this side, the sunniest side of the house. He and Ryan had to literally fight Josh for this room. He loved opening his eyes and seeing tiny sparks of sunlight dancing on Ryan's face while he was sleeping. He loved kissing shadows created by the light on his body.

"Brendon." 

"Yes, sorry. I'm listening." - He sat up on the bed.

"I wanted to apologize.. For what happened a week ago. I should have not taken an advantage of you, you were drunk and barely thinking.. That was stupid and I.."

"I was sober enough to know how to pull you away. But I did not." - Brendon said. Dallon looked up at him.

"What does it mean?"

"It means I wanted to kiss you back. Until the realization hit me, realization that it was a betrayal of myself. So you have nothing to apologize for. I am the one who needs to apologize for running away like a coward." - Brendon mumbled. "So I am sorry. I am sorry I left you without an explanation. I behaved like a pussy. I know what it's like to be left alone and think your mind away about why it happened."

"Hey, it's okay. I don't blame you." - Dallon kneeled in front of Brendon and smiled at him.

"Hey,Dal, do you think this side of the house is sunnier than the other one? Because I'm pretty sure it is. But Tyler says their room is way brighter and I highly doubt that. I mean, isn't it obvious, look the sun literally comes up from this side so.."

"Bren, you okay?" - Dallon sounded worried. Brendon looked at him confused.

"Of course I am. I just want to know which side is sunnier. That's it." - He shrugged. 

Dallon's eyes were full of concern. He could see through the other boy. And he hated it.

"Do you think you could come out and sit with us? Drink some tea,maybe?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I need to.. I have to know which side is brighter." - He knitted his brows together.

"It does not matter, Bren.."

"What does not matter?"

"Which side is more bright."

"What are you talking about?"

Dallon swallowed hardly and tried to smile at the boy.

"Brendon, do you know what day it is?"

"Sunday. It's Sunday, why are you asking?"

"It's Thursday, Bren.." - Dallon whispered. He squeezed the boy's fingers. "This has to stop."

"What?"

"This. Brendon, you're going mad,can't you see? You don't know what day it is, you keep talking about a damn Sun coming up and yesterday you fell asleep in the shower.. This can't continue."

"Sun!Yes! That's what I'm talking about! It comes up from this side!" - His eyes lighted up,he threw his head back and laughed. 

"That's it." - Dallon grabbed his hand and dragged him to the door. "We're leaving."

"We?"

"Yes. Me and You. Josh and Tyler need to rest, they are not babysitters, they have their own stuff to deal with. As for me, I have lots of free time. So you're coming and staying with me."

"Is your room sunny?" - Brendon asked as he stumbled over Josh's skateboard in the living room.

"Josh!" - Dallon shouted. 

"Yes?" - Josh walked out of the kitchen, holding a mug of hot tea.

"Where does he keep his ADHD pills?" 

"Drawer, bathroom. Why? Were are you going?!" - Josh panicked.

"He's coming with me. For a few days."

"But.."

"No. You two need to rest. And I need to know he's safe. Look at him." - Dallon whispered and pointed at Brendon, who was looking out of the window and examining the trees. "He's becoming insane, Josh. He hasn't slept properly for five days. We can't let him go fucking nuts."

Josh nodded, still staring at his friend. 

"You take care of him, okay?" - He said quietly.

"You take care of yourself. I'll handle it." - With this, Dallon grabbed Brendon's hand and leaded him out from the apartment.


	24. Mrs. Believer

"Dal!"

"Yeah?"

"Look! It's snowing!"

Dallon approached the window, holding a mug of hot chocolate. Brendon was standing beside him, his eyes shimmering from the joy. 

"Isn't it beautiful?"

"Yes. It's beautiful, Bren." - Dallon said, still looking at the boy. 

"Can you believe it's been a year since we all met each other?"

"No. I can't believe it. I feel like I've known you for my whole life." 

"I feel the same way. Dal?" - Brendon turned around to face the taller boy. "Let's go outside."

"What? Bren, it's freezing."

"Oh, come on, don't be a pussy. I dare you to come outside and fight me with snowballs."

"Okay, look at us. I'm at least twice taller and probably stronger than you are. You don't want to fight me."

"We'll see, giant." - Brendon laughed and disappeared in the hallway, coming back in a minute, fully dressed in his combat boots and huge black jacket. He handed Dallon his coat and smiled at him. "Coming?"

Dallon smiled at grabbed his coat. 

"Let's go."

__

"Get off me! I swear if you don't get off me I will cut off your dick!" - Brendon's screaming was echoing in the empty streets. Dallon was sitting on top of him, holding a huge snowball and grinning cruelly. 

"Don't you dare to touch my precious dick!" - He smashed the snowball into the boy's face. Brendon whimpered like a teenage girl and kicked his legs, finally freeing himself from Dallon's grip and got up, face still twisted from the pain and cold.

"You're dead." - He whispered and suddenly run to Dallon, throwing him to the ground. "Eat this, motherfucker!" - He grabbed some snow and tried to push it down the boy's mouth but for some reason, in a second appeared on the ground. Dallon was pining hands and smiling down at him.

"Let me go!! I will kill you! I will choke you in your sleep!" - Brendon nearly laughed his guts out. Dallon was not letting him go.

"What? Sorry, can't hear you." 

"You're dead, Weekes!"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever. " - The boy finally let go of Brendon's wrists and dropped on the ground near him. He sighed and looked up to the sky. Snowflakes were falling down their faces, while the boys were trying to catch their breath.

"Okay, I was wrong." - Brendon said. "Maybe you are stronger than me."

"Woah, is Brendon Urie admitting that he lost a battle?"

"Shut up, dick." - Brendon sat up, leaning on his elbows and smiled. 

"Aren't you cold?" - Dallon asked. 

"No. I'm okay. I'm.. very okay, in fact." - Brendon said quietly. 

Dallon got on his feet and hold out a hand to help his friend up.

"Let's go, you'll catch a cold." - Brendon gripped his hand and pushed him down to the ground and the next moment a huge snowball met Dallon's perfect face. 

"Ha-ha! Brendon Urie never loses snowball battles, remember this!" - He jumped to his feet and took off running to Dallon's house.

"Little shit." - Dallon whispered and smiled.

__

"Gerard said they're on their way. Are you sure you did not forget a list?"

"I'm not that stupid to go to the grocery shop without a list."

"Well,you did last week."

"Okay, maybe I am." 

"It's freezing outside, why did not you put on a beanie?"

"Tyler, for God's sake, we're driving to the store and back. I won't get sick, I promise." 

Tyler rolled his eyes and opened the door. He suddenly froze on his place, eyes going wide. 

"Jishwa!"

"What, Ty?" - Josh was looking down on his phone.

"Look!" - Tyler exclaimed and the other boy finally looked up. Everything was white. Trees,cars,houses. Josh looked at his boyfriend, who was literally glowing from the happiness. 

"Snow makes you really happy, doesn't it?" - He smiled. Tyler nodded quickly. "I told you you should have put on a beanie."

"Oh my God, relax, mom!" - Josh weakly pushed him. "Come on, let's go or we will freeze our asses off." He grabbed Tyler's hand and leaded him to their car. Suddenly, something cold hit his face and caused him to stumble. He hissed from the pain and turned around quickly. He saw Brendon falling to his knees from the laughter, tears were streaming down his face.

"You've got to be kidding me! What the hell ,Urie?!" - Josh wanted to sound angry but bursted in a laughter in a second. 

"I tried to stop him, but motherfucker runs too fast." - Dallon appeared behind Brendon, trying to catch his breath.

"If Josh gets sick, you're taking care of him!" - Tyler shouted at his friends.

"Joseph, if you don't stop behaving like a squad-mom, your precious face will meet this snowball." - Brendon grinned.

"I'll spit into your tea." - Tyler threatened quietly. Brendon's face became dead serious in a second.

"Don't you dare." 

"Oh, I will." - Tyler smiled cruelly.

"I will pee on your bed." - Brendon said. That's when a huge snowball hit him straight in the face. 

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" - he whimpered

"Nobody threats our little bean-mom." - Gerard was holding another snowball in his hand as he and Mikey approached their friends.

"I hate you." - Brendon mumbled. 

"So what, we're all going grocery shopping? Together? How the hell are we going to fit in Josh's car?" - Tyler asked.

"Well.. There's only one way to decide who will have to walk." - Brendon shrugged. "A RACE!" 

Tyler knew he would lose. He always does. You can't outrun "Daddy long legs", Brendon (who definitely keeps his speed-power in his forehead), Ways (because well, they were really good at running) and Josh, because it's his car. Tyler rolled his eyes,hoping that maybe his friends would pity on him.

But they did not. 

Tyler walked his way to the grocery shop, laughing at himself.

This winter has definitely started better that the last one.


	25. Don't leave me alone

"I will never leave you."

"You will.."

"Let me help you."

"Why?

"Because you need to be helped. You need to see you're not alone."

"I am alone."

"You are not, Tyler. You have me. You always will. I won't leave your side, ever."

"Everybody leaves."

"Not me. You just need to let me in. Let me be with you."

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of losing myself in the process."

"Maybe you will find yourself?"

"Maybe.."

"Trust me, please. I'm going to stay by your side forever. Just let me.. Let me live in your heart, in your mind."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes, Blurry. I'm letting you in.."

__

Darkness of the night was penetrating to the room from the opened window. Little spots on the sky, so-called "stars" did not really shimmer any light. Tyler looked down on his shaking hands. He felt his body getting numb, he felt the light leaving his body. Maybe this was the way of his mind leaving his vessel. He hugged himself and shut his eyes closed. This meaty suit was feeling nothing but the pain. Emptiness was floating in the room. He was alone. Why was he alone? Josh. Where was Josh? Tyler tried to remember. He went somewhere. Work. Yes, he had a night-shift. Tyler remembered. He opened his eyes and looked out of the window. It was cold outside. He would have been frozen by this time, but he felt nothing. Thanks God he felt nothing. 

"So, Tyler. Here I am. As I promised. I am not leaving your side.." - A dark, deep voice spoke up in his mind.

"I know.." - Tyler whispered.

"And I know what you are you think about. A way out. An easy one. Am I right?"

"You are. You always are."

"Do you want to die, Tyler?"

"I don't.. I don't know."

"You know. Do you want to set yourself free?"

"I can't leave Josh.."

"You won't, Tyler. You will always be with him. You will become his ghost from the past. You will become his part. You will be Josh's Blurryface." - Tyler felt long, cold fingers locking around his wrists. He flinched and tried to free himself.

"I don't want to become you.."

"But you want to stop being you, Tyler." 

"Yes.."

"So I am giving you a chance. End it. End it all.." -Tyler covered his ears with hands.

"Please. Please leave."

"I promised you not to."

"Sometimes promises need to be broken.. Blurry, please.. I don't want to die."

"YES YOU DO!" - Tyler closed his eyes once again, hearing Blurryface's footsteps around the house. He was here. "YOU'VE WANTED TO DIE SINCE YOU WERE A KID! YOU NEED ME! YOU NEED SOMEONE TO KILL YOU, TYLER!!" - A loud growl filled up his brain. 

"Go away!" - The boy screamed.

"YOU FUCKING NEED ME!"

"Go away!!!"

"YOU'RE PATHETIC!"

Tyler felt somebody's strong arms locking him from the back.

"No, no! Let me go!" - He was kicking his legs and trying to pull away. But grip was too strong. And Tyler was too weak. He sank down to his knees, tears streaming down his face. 

"Leave me alone!" - He cried so hard his voice broke.

"Tyler, open your eyes.." - He heard a soothing voice that sent shivers down his spine. It was not Blurryface. Who was it?

"Leave me alone!!!!"

"Ty, it's okay. I've got you. He's gone. Baby, open your eyes, look at me.." - Tyler slowly disconnected his lashes and saw a pink blur. Pink. Pink meant Josh. It was Josh. 

"Don't leave me alone.." - He whispered and felt the all the energy leaving his body with this words. He collapsed, but felt Josh's arms around him. And for some reason, he felt safe. 

Then the darkness covered him.


	26. Things are better if I stay

"Way, if you don't get your stupid skis away from my face while I'm driving, I will shove them up in your ass!" - Brendon growled and pushed the skis away.

"Sorry,man. It's really crowded back here."

"Well, it's not my fault Josh's car broke down the day we decided to go skiing!" 

"I've apologized ten times already, Jesus Christ!"

"At least we rented the same house you had last year. It's big enough for us,right?" - Tyler asked.

"Yes. But Mikey will have to sleep on the couch. Again."

"Oh, fuck you! Why me?!" - Mikey exclaimed

"You slept there last year. That's why." - Brendon shrugged. "Or maybe Dallon will."

"You idiot, I'm 8 feet tall and sitting in the fucking trunk, so shut the hell up!" 

"Whatever. I'm sleeping in the king-sized bed, that's for sure." - Brendon smiled.

__

The minute they walked into the cableway cabin,Josh's heart filled up with nostalgic feeling. A year ago, right here, he met the most important people in his life. Just because the chain got stuck, he met his friends and the love of his life. He could not be more thankful. He looked around at his friends and realized everybody was thinking the same thing. They sat down and the cabin started moving. Josh squeezed his fingers around Tyler's frozen ones and smiled. 

"It's been a year.. Unbelievable." - Brendon mumbled and shook his head. He looked right at an empty space near him. Somebody was supposed to be sitting here. A stupid photographer who made fun of him the first time they met. The boy who kissed away all his anxiety in one night. Brendon hugged his snowboard and sighed.

"Be careful,okay? I don't want any of you to break your necks." - Mikey said. He was the only one who was not skiing. 

"Okay,Mik. Don't worry." - Gerard laughed.

They finally reached the top of the mountain. One by one they left the cabin and put on their skis, while Mikey walked into the bar to order some hot tea for himself. Brendon adjusted the bindings and looked around. Mountains looked so..peaceful. It was quiet up here. The snow made everything look softer and more fragile. 

"Comin'?" - He heard Josh's voice. 

"Yeah.. Yeah I'm coming." - He headed down and soon overtook Josh and everybody else.

He always loved the speed. Since he was a child. He loved the feeling of flying while your legs are secured. He felt so free. 

"Careful out there!" - Dallon shouted, but Brendon decided to ride even faster. Faster than ever. He felt wind stroking his face, eyes watering in huge ski-glasses. But he loved it. He gained more speed. Faster. Faster. He knew he was getting too fast for his own good. But it felt right. It felt.. okay.

Suddenly, a tall boy on the skis laughed loudly behind him. Brendon looked back.. The boy looked familiar.  
His heartbeat raised.  
No, this could not be him.  
This was impossible. 

Brendon suddenly lost the balance of his board and realized he was falling. He tried to steady himself but the next moment he was lying on the ground. His head was heavy and felt like it was going to explode. Everything hurt and Brendon was sure he heard someone bawling and yelling. It took him seconds to realize it was him. He was scared, probably for the first time in his life, he was scared of death. He could not control his vision, his hearing. Everything was covered in blur except for the pain in his head and legs.

"..hey! Answer me! Tell me what hurts! " - The blur faded away for a second revealing some guy's worried face above him.

"Head..Leg.."- Brendon whispered as the blur covered him again.

"Oh, thanks God you're awake now. It's okay. I'm going to take your bindings off. The ambulance is coming just.. Don't move,okay?" - They got rid of Brendon's bindings and he felt relieved, the leg did not hurt so much now.

"Stay awake, do you hear me? Try to stay awake!" - The guy was talking to him. "Do yo know him?" - He asked someone.

"Yes! Yes oh my God, Josh get Dallon!!" - Tyler's voice filled up Brendon's brain. 

Somebody kneeled down beside him.

"You stupid idiot.." - he heard Dallon's worried whisper and felt his long fingers stroking the hair away from his face. "You never listen to me.. You were going so fast, Bren,fuck.. It's a miracle that you're alive.." - Brendon felt his eyelids getting heavier as his head pounded. 

"I gotta..sleep.." - He whispered and closed his eyes.

"No, no, Brendon, don't close your eyes! Hey, he's passing out!" - Dallon shouted. "Brendon stay with me,man!"

But Brendon could not control himself. He felt his body getting limp as the last thought run through his mind: 

The tall boy behind him. It could not be him.  
It was not him, was it?


	27. You're in my veins

“..Why does it have to be me?! Why do I have to tell him?”

“Because you lost in "paper,rock,scissors”, Gerard. Three times in a row.”

“I’ve told you I hate that game, for fuck’s sake!”

Brendon furrowed his brows and tried to get rid of these strange whispering voices in his head.

“Shh, he’s waking up.”

He disconnected his lashes and blinked a blur away. The bright light cut his eyes, but he got used to it after a second. His eyes darted from one place to another, finally spotting his friends sitting on the floor beside his hospital bed.

“Wha..” - He tried to sit up but a sharp pain in his temples caused him to hiss and lay back.

“Don’t try to sit up, Bren. You need to rest.” - Dallon stood up and approached him.

“What happened?” 

“You,uh.. Well you were going too fast. You lost a balance and fell, hit your head on the ground. You’ve got a concussion.” - Dallon sighed. “I don’t want to sound like Tyler, but I told you to control your speed, Bren..”

“Hey!” - Tyler pushed Dallon slightly.

“You scared the living hell out of us. We thought you died, Brendon.” - Gerard mumbled. He sounded angry.

“I-I’m sorry. I don’t know why it happened.” 

“Hey, it’s okay. We’re glad you’re fine.” - Dallon smiled at him and quietly elbowed Gerard.

“There’s one more thing..” - Josh said and Brendon did not like his tone.

“What? What happened?!” - Brendon looked around at his friends,waiting for a response.

Gerard breathed in deeply and spoke up.

“Your board’s broken.”

Brendon stared at his friends, eyes wide and lips parted. They were joking,right? It is almost impossible to break a snowboard. Almost..He’s been saving up for three years to buy it. And now it’s broken. Because he fell. Why did he fall? He never does. Something distracted him. Or someone.. Brendon knitted his brows together, trying to remember anything. He was going too fast, he remembers that. Then something happened. Some strange noise. A laugh. He looked around and saw someone. A tall boy.. Oh.. Oh, now he remembered. He couldn’t control a gasp escaping his mouth.

“Bren, we’re so sorry. We’ll buy a new one.” - Gerard panicked.

“No,no Ger it’s.. It’s fine. It was my fault. Really, it’s okay. My head hurts,I wanna take nap now..”

“Yes,sure. Doctors said we can take you home this evening. We’ll wait in the hall, so.. Yeah, rest..”

After a lot of mumbling and shuffling, Brendon was finally left alone in his ward. He closed his eyes and let out a shaking breath. His head was spinning. Not from the concussion, probably. 

Was it really him or did Brendon imagine everything?

Brendon fell because of Him. Once again.

__

“Home sweet home!” - Josh exclaimed and placed Brendon’s backpack on the floor. “You can’t drive or travel by car for a while, so we’re staying for a few more days.” 

Brendon sighed and crashed down on the couch, hissing form the pain in his head.

“I’m sorry you’re stuck here because of me.” - He mumbled.

“Hey, it’s okay! We’re glad you’re fine, Bren.” - Josh smiled at him. “Dallon, Mikey and Gerard are out for some grocery shopping. I gotta go to the back yard, help Tyler with cleaning your car. You gonna be okay? Go lay down, Bren. Doctors said you have to get some rest."

“I have a concussion, not a cancer, Josh.” - Brendon said. His friend smiled at him before stepping out of the house. 

Brendon rolled his eyes, slowly got up and walked towards his bedroom. His head and thoughts were still a huge mess. Suddenly, the phone buzzed in his pocket. He leaned on the wall with his back and pulled out the phone. Even such an easy motion caused his head to spin harder. He breathed out and concentrated on the text message.

 

Unknown number:

Come out to the porch. Alone.

 

His heart missed a beat. Who the hell was this? Why did they want to meet him alone? Was he imagining it? Brendon knitted his brows and decided to ignore the text. But for some reason his legs carried him towards the front door and his hands flew up to the door handle. He opened the door and stepped out, freezing wind was stroking his bones. He hugged himself and looked around. He spotted a huge box on the stairs.

“What the fuck?” - He mumbled and approached it. He examined the yard, but he was alone. The phone buzzed again. Brendon pulled it out quickly.

 

Unknown number:

Look inside.

 

“Okay, this is getting creepy. Whoever the hell you are, come out and fucking talk like normal people do!” - Brendon yelled. But he got no response. Instead, his phone vibrated once again.

 

Unknown number:

Please.

 

Brendon sighed. He decided nobody would bring him the bomb, so what did he have to lose? He kneeled beside the box and slowly started opening it. The box was huge, it took him at least 5 minutes to open it. But when he did, his breath hitched. His heart stopped, his head started spinning even harder and lungs nearly exploded. His knees became too weak and he sat down on the cold porch, eyes watering.   
There it was.   
A colorful, shiny, brand new, Burton “Skeleton Key” snowboard. The one he always dreamt about. The one he could never get because is costed six hundred bucks. The boy touched the board with his shaking fingers. He still had a hard time steading his breath. 

“This can’t be..” - He whispered to himself. He was probably dreaming. Why would anyone get him something so expensive? He spotted a small paper in the box near the board and quickly pulled it out. He recognized the hand-writing in a second.

“I saw you  
I met you  
I loved you  
I left you  
In Cape Town.

Hope this will make you smile. I remember this was your dream.   
You scared me to death.   
Please never do it again.

I love you.  
Always will.”

Brendon looked up. He did not even try to control or stop tears falling down from his eyes. He clutched the paper in his fist and let out a wet sob. 

He did not imagine. It was Him. It really was Him.


	28. I'll be there

"..And then I was like put that down, Gerard. We're not buying orange juice, not again!"

"Mikey,nobody cares shut the hell up."

The front door opened with a noise and one a second the house filled up with loud voices and laugh.

"Hey, Bren. We brought you chocolate chips, have you tried them?" - Dallon crashed down on the couch near Brendon but his smile disappeared the minute he saw tear paths on his friend's face. "Bren?! What happened?!" - The taller boy waved his hands,motioning to his friends to come.

Brendon sniffed and wiped his nose with a sleeve of his sweatshirt. 

"Brendon, talk to us." - Gerard sat down on the coffee table.

"He was here." - Brendon aid, his voice hoarse and broken.

"Who?!" - Dallon asked.

"We know who, Dal." - Gerard shook his head. "You saw him?"

"No. He,uh.. He brought me this." - Brendon pointed to the corner and his friends heads turned. 

"Oh my God, is it a.." - Mikey's eyes went wide.

"Yes. He bought me a snowboard. The one I've always wanted." 

"But.. Why?"

"I don't know." - Brendon shrugged. "I have no idea.."

"Return it." - Dallon said and got up on his feet. 

"What?"

"Return it. He doesn't get to suddenly appear in your life and buy you the presents, Bren. He doesn't deserve you, okay? And this.. This is a lame move to get you back, can't you see it?" - Dallon's voice was now a few octaves higher.

"Dal, you should calm do.." - Gerard tried to talk but Dallon cut him off.

"No. You should all just stop thinking he will come back. Especially you, Brendon. He's playing with you. This is a fucking trick, a clever move. Don't be stupid, for God's sake!" 

Brendon's eyes filled up with tears once again. He looked down at his lap and let out a shaking sigh.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" - Mikey whispered to Dallon, his voice dead serious. "You have to work harder on hiding your jealousy, Weekes. It's pathetic." - With these words Mikey approached Brendon and kneeled to face the boy. "It's okay, Bren. You don't have to return it, or do anything at all. It's your present, you should do do whatever the hell you want. Come on, you need to lay down now." - He slowly leaded the boy to the bedroom and shut the door behind their backs.

Gerard turned around, his arms crossed on his chest and faced embarrassed Dallon.

"Explain."

"I.. Come on, we all know Ryan is a poison for Brendon. You know it, Gerard. We finally got the old Brendon back and what now? Ryan decided to ruin it all and come back?!"

"Dallon.. I get that you're worried and stuff. But Brendon is not a child. And you - you are not his mother. But most important - you are not his boyfriend. You keep forgetting it." - Gerard walked out of the living room. Dallon covered his face with palms and cursed quietly. He hated the things Brendon made him feel. 

__

“You know I’m not waiting for him to come back to me, right?” - Brendon mumbled as Mikey helped him to lay down and curl up in the blanket.

“Of course,Bren. Dallon is just being overprotective, that’s all.” - Mikey smiled at his friend.

“This doesn’t mean anything. I’m sure Ryan just felt guilty for distracting me, he's the reason I fell,so..”

“Do you think he still cares about you?”

Brendon did not respond. He curled up even more and closed his eyes.

“Okay.. Okay,Bren. You need to rest..” - Mikey got up and walked out of the room. Brendon disconnected his eyelashes and sighed. Of course Ryan still cared. Brendon cared too.They would always love each other, even though it sounds like a fucking movie cliche.  
The boy’s phone vibrated on the nightstand. 

 

Unknown number:

Meet me at the Coffee bar down the street, at 8 p.m.  
Please. An hour is all I ask for. 

R.

 

Brendon quickly sat up and hissed from the pain in his temples. He wanted to text back, but the number was blocked. He covered his eyes with palms and sighed. Ryan understood Brendon wouldn’t miss a chance to meet him. Ryan knew the boy too well. That’s why he felt vulnerable, weak.

What the hell was he supposed to do? How was he going to face him? The person that broke Brendon? 

The boy erased a text message and kicked off the blanket, carefully standing up from the bed. He grabbed the hoodie from the floor and put it on. If an hour with Brendon was all Ryan asked for in a return for a 600$ snowboard, he would get it. I


	29. You're worse than nicotine

Brendon hugged himself as he quickly walked down the street to the bar. He somehow managed to sneak out of the house, his friends will probably kill him for leaving, because well, he has a concussion. He felt dizzy and his head was spinning so hard he stumbled on every step, but he had to meet Ryan, he couldn't let this chance slip out from his hands. He opened the entrance door and a heavy smell of alcohol and cigarettes made his head spin harder. He examined the tables,finally spotting the familiar messy hair near the bar. Brendon approached the boy, his heartbeat getting faster with every step he took. Ryan was holding a cigarette in his long,slender fingers, he did not even notice Brendon. He has never looked so beautiful,Brendon thought. Or maybe, it's because he has missed him so much. His brown locks got longer and were almost covering his deep,sad eyes. He looked like he hasn't shaved in weeks, but it suited him. Everything looked good on him. His leather jacket, silver rings and black,ripped skinnies. Brendon realized he's been staring and not breathing for a minute now. He cleared his throat and caused Ryan to flinch slightly and finally meet his eyes. 

"Bren! You came." - Ryan jumped to his feet, eyes going wide, like he did not even expect Brendon to show up. Brendon tried to smile and hide his emotions behind the grin. 

"Hey,Ryan." - He said and suddenly got locked into the embrace by the other boy. He felt dizzy and black dots started to dance in front of him. He stumbled a little, but regained his balance. 

"Are you okay?" - Ryan pulled away. His concerned eyes were swirling holes on Brendon. 

"Yeah, I just.. I've got a concussion from the fall so I don't feel really well." - Brendon slowly sat down on the chair and put his head in his hands.

"You what? Why did you leave the house?! You need to lay down.." - Ryan sounded worried. 

"I wanted to see you,for fuck's sake.." - Brendon whispered and smiled up at him. The taller boy looked lost for a second, a distress filled up his huge eyes. He sat down near the other boy and sighed.

"Did you like the present? " - He asked quietly.

"Of course I did.. Ryan,You did not have to.."

"Just.. Shut up and listen to me. I wanted to make you happy, after everything you've been through because of me.." - He looked down at his fingers,obviously avoiding Brendon's eyes. "When I saw you fall back there, I.. Fuck, for a minute I thought you were gone.. You weren't moving.. And I couldn't approach or touch you because I was scared... Scared that maybe I wouldn't feel your warmth under my touch, wouldn't feel your heartbeat.. So I just stood there, like a coward and stared at you.. Fuck, Bren.." - He suddenly put his hand on Brendon's knee and looked up at him. "What would I do if anything happened to you? How would I live? Something covered me, a huge wave of emotions, a realization that.. That there are no second chances,okay? Everything can be over in a second. Your life, my life, it can end in a blink of an eye.. So.." - Ryan breathed in, his voice was shaking. "So I want you to know that..I can't continue living like this, knowing that I've lost all my ways back to you..Bren, If there is a slight chance for you to let me in your heart, once again.. I want to take that chance.. I want to prove you my feelings. I need you to take me back.." 

Brendon's vision was blurred, but not because of his concussion,but because of the tears gathering up. He could not find any words in his brain to say. So he continued to stare at the love of his life asking, begging him for a chance.

"I can't go on and live my life without you. Not now, not when I realized how broken and messed and.. Empty I am without you." - Ryan rambled on. "You're more than a fucking oxygen to me. I feel a hunger for you, damn it. I've fallen in love so deeply, so madly that I don't know how to crawl out.. Fuck you, Brendon Urie, for making me so weak." - He let out a shaking laugh and shook his head. His eyes finally met Brendon's wide ones. "Say something.." - He whispered.

Brendon did not say anything. Neither did he whisper, scream or mumble. He simply grabbed Ryan's neck and pulled him in a sloppy, messy kiss. The one he did not even think would happen again. God, he missed this taste. He missed Ryan's quiet moans and he missed running his fingers in the boy's curls. He felt Ryan's lips stretching in the smile.

"I've missed your taste. I've missed your skin.." - He whispered, pulling away for a second.

"Well.. You've clicked your heels and wished for me so.. Here I am.." - Brendon whispered back and once again locked their lips together.


	30. Turn away

"Nervous?"

"Of course.. They probably hate me for breaking your heart. And I'm sure I'll get punched by Josh again. My poor nose.." - Ryan touched his nose and frowned.

"It's okay, don't worry, they'll be glad to see me happy. But, let's admit, you deserve a good punch." - Brendon kissed the other boy's temple and finally knocked on the door. After a moment, the door revealed worried Dallon, with his eyes wide and hair messy.

"Bren! Oh, thanks God! Where the hell did you went?! Doctors said you.." - The taller boy's eyes finally settled on Ryan, who was smiling awkwardly. Dalton's brows knitted. "What is he doing here?"

"Dal.." - Brendon said quietly and met his friend's eyes. "He's with me. We've talked and.. Can we at least come in?" - He nodded towards the door. 

"Oh, yes, yes sure." - Dallon moved out of the way. He closed the door behind their backs and shouted. "Guys! Meeting in the living room, now!"

All three of them sat down on the couch and waited for others to join them. 

"I hate these stupid meeting, what happened this time? Did Brendon drink all our milk again?" - Gerard whimpered as he, Mikey, Josh and Tyler approached the couch. He suddenly stopped walking when he saw Ryan. His lips parted but no sound escaped his mouth.

"Yeah, so.." - Brendon cleared his throat and smiled awkwardly. "This.. This is Ryan."

"We know who this is, Brendon." - Josh said, his face dead serious.

"Let me handle this." - Ryan whispered to Brendon. "Hi,guys.. Look, I know I've messed up,okay? And I deserve at least a punch from every one of you, but.. Brendon gave me another chance. And I will do anything to prove you that I regret everything. I will never break his heart again, I will never hurt him.. I've missed all of you, guys. Josh, I've missed living with you and waking up to the smell of burned pancakes." - Josh rolled his eyes and sighed. "Tyler, I've missed our deep talks about.. Everything. I've missed you being a "mom", Ger. And missed you two lovebirds." - He smiled at Mikey and Dallon, but got elbowed by Brendon.

"They're over, idiot." - He whispered. 

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry." - Ryan blushed.

"It's okay." - Mikey shrugged. "In fact.. Well we don't have anything against you, Ryan. We hated you for making Brendon miserable but now.. He seems happy, so. Welcome back, I guess?" 

"You suck, Mikey." - Gerard interrupted. "What he wanted to say, was that we're okay, Ryan. We're glad you're back, we've missed you too.."

Ryan smiled and squeezed Brendon's fingers harder.

"Okay, wait a minute." - Dallon got up on his feet, face flushed with anger. "So that's it,huh? We're just gonna open our arms and what, have a group hug? What the hell is wrong with you? You forgot the state that Brendon was in? He literally lost his mind, he went nuts! It took us months to bring him back from the Crazy-land. I won't let it happen again.."

"Dallon, you.."

"No, Josh, shut up. You know I'm right. Just because Brendon never stopped loving Ryan doesn't mean he can appear and disappear whenever he wants to! You're a selfish prick, Ross." 

"I regret every minute I spent apart from Brendon, Dallon.." - Ryan's voice was too weak and quiet to calm Dallon down.

"It is not about you!" - Dallon was shouting now, waving his hands in front of him. "This is about Brendon! This is about him, you idiot! You've ruined him!"

"Enough." - Brendon stood up and looked straight into the boy's eyes. 

"What?!"

"I said enough,Dallon. I appreciate everything you've done for me, but this.. This is something that I decide, not you. I want Ryan back, I need him. If you're not okay with it, then I'm sorry."

Dallon's eyes went wide. He looked around at his friends, waiting for someone to agree with him. But nobody did. He scoffed and shook his head. 

"Alright, Brendon." - He said, his voice was calm now. "Do whatever you want to do. I've taken care of you, I've picked up the pieces that he destroyed, one by one, and I have fixed you. I thought.. I thought we had something, but suddenly the prince returns and..Whatever. When you're left alone again,broken and messed up, don't come for me. Because I'm done." - With these words he turned on his heel and walked away from his surprised friends.


	31. Nicotine

He's been sitting alone in the bedroom for almost an hour now, thinking his brains away. Why did he have to say these things? Why did he have to behave so rude? A quiet knock snapped Dallon out from his thoughts. 

"Yeah?"

"May I come in?" - A familiar soft voice asked and his heart missed a beat. He hated himself for it.

"Uh, sure. Yes."

Brendon walked into the room, shutting the door behind his back. His moves,his every step was radiating anxiety and that was another reason why Dallon hated himself right then. He caused it. The boy sat down beside him on the bed and leaned on his knees with elbows. He looked up at Dallon, brows knitted and spoke up.

"Can you.. Can you explain to me what has gotten into you?" - He asked with a monotone voice. 

Dallon cleared his throat and tried to smile, to tore up the tension between the two, but it did not work.

"I don't want you to get your heart broken,again. That's it." - He mumbled. 

"You shouted at me.." - Brendon said sadly and it broke Dallon's heart. He was right, he did. He shouted and snapped at the boy.

"I'm sorry.. I just.. I feel weird okay? After everything you've been through because of this guy.."

"I love him,Dal." - Brendon whispered and looked him straight in the eyes. Dallon felt his insides burn, lungs explode and blood boil. 

"I-I know.."

"But.." - Brendon moved closely to him, suddenly interlacing his fingers with Dallon's. "I love you too. You are my best friend,Dal. And I don't want to lose you." - These words made Dallon's heart beat faster and harder.

"I'm not asking you to trust Ryan. But I need you to trust me. Because this.. This is something big for me,okay? And I need my best friend by my side."

"I can't." - Dallon said finally. Brendon's eyes went wide, confusion was written all over his face. "I am sorry, but I can't."

"You can't.. Trust me?"

"No. I can't just sit here and let him step into your life and probably ruin you once again. He is a poison for you, Brendon. A darkness, okay? A fucking void. You don't need him."

"You don't get to tell me what I need." - Brendon snapped, flying up to his feet and waving his hands furiously. "I am not a child, I can take care of myself!"

"Well, as long as I remember, you obviously can't, Brendon. Because just 3 months ago I've stopped you from hanging yourself in my basement. You forget things too easily,buddy.You are a mess without me." - Dallon said with a cold smirk on his face. Brendon's heart fell to his toes. He swallowed hardly and looked down at the floor, struggling find any words. Dallon's smirk dropped suddenly and he shook his head. He approached the boy he loved so much and gently touched his shoulder.

"Fuck Bren, I'm sorry,I.."

"Don't fucking touch me." - Brendon flinched and stepped away. 

"You are not a mess, I am sorry,okay? This is not your fault. This is not Ryan's fault either."

"Then what is it?!" - Brendon shouted, tears were forming in his eye.

"It's my fault, This feeling.. It's eating me alive and I can't help it.."

"Feeling?" - Brendon asked confused.

"Jealousy."

"You're my best friend, I won't lose you because of the boyfriend,Dallon."

"Not.. Not that kind of a jealousy.." - Dallon sighed.

Brendon sniffled quietly and let out a shaking breath.

"I need to you talk to me.." - He whispered. 

"I fucking love you,okay?!" - Dallon looked at him. "I've always had,even since that party a year ago. I'm in love with you and that's why it hurts so much to see you in a pain because of that dick."

Brendon stared at him with a shocked expression. He tried to say something, but his vocal chords gave up on him. 

"And I'm pretty sure I've just ruined our friendship." - Dallon mumbled. "I am sorry,that I said that stuff, Bren. But I will never apologize for loving you,because that's the realest thing I've ever experienced." - He sat down on the bed and put his head in hands. 

Brendon continiued to just stare at him, glued to the floor. 

"Dal,I.."

"It's okay. You don't owe me anything. I won't stop loving you, no matter what you say so just.. Don't. I want you to be happy, okay? That's why I snapped, that's why I hate Ryan. But if you're happy with him,then.. Then I guess I am happy too? Huh, fucking cliche."

Brendon approached him, finally. He put his hand to his shoulder and leaned down to kiss Dallon's messy hair.

"You're not a cliche. You're kind and caring and beautiful and perfect, Dallon Weekes. And you have a special place in my heart. Always had.."

"You have my whole heart, Brendon Urie. So yeah, fuck you, you're an ass." - Dallon laughed.

"Oh, so now I am an ass?!" - Brendon gasped dramatically. Dallon nodded and laughed again. 

"You are an amazing friend, Dallon. And one day, you'll find your real love." - Brendon said quietly, looking down at his feet.

"I don't need it." - The other boy shrugged. "This one satisfies me."

Brendon got up from the bed, once again kissing the taller boy's head and walked towards the door.

"Will you come out and sit with us?"

"Yes. In a minute."

"Okay." - Brendon turned a doorknob and glanced back at his friend once again before stepping out. "Thank you, Dal. For helping me,for fixing me.. And for loving me."


	32. I want to know you

When Dallon walked into the kitchen,almost all of his friends were sitting around the table, talking abut something so passionately that nobody even noticed him. He leaned on the doorframe, smiling.

"..So you're telling me that Charles is the most powerful mutant just because he can control minds? Man, Logan is literally immortal! And don't make me start about Magneto!" - Brendon was waving his hands furiously.

"Charles controls all of them!!" - Ryan hissed.

"Please! The strongest mutant in the whole Marvel comics is Phoenix!" - Gerard yelled.

"I prefer DC, to be honest." - Mickey mumbled quietly and five pair of angry eyes darted his way. "Okay,okay I'm sorry!" - He put his hands up in defense.

Dallon sighed and shook his head. Brendon spotted him with a corner of his eye and smiled up at him.

"Hey,Dal! Come on, prove them that I am right." 

Dallon sat down on the chair and scratched the back of his neck.

"Well, first of all, Magneto can do nothing if there is no metal around him-"

"Guys!" - Josh run into the kitchen. His face was red, eyes wide and breathing messy. 

"Josh? What's wrong?" - Gerard asked, his voice full of concern.

"I can't find Tyler, He's.. I don't know where he's gone I.." - Josh's hands flew up to his hair.

"Hey,hey, wow." - Brendon got up, approaching his friend and grabbed his forearms. "Come on, breath with me. Josh,He probably went for a walk. We will find him, man,"

"I don't know he.. I've looked everywhere." 

"We will help you, right?" - Brendon turned around to face his friends.

"Yes, of course,J." - Ryan nodded. "Where did you see him last?"

"Bedroom. This morning. He did not look well, he has these dark circles and.. I think he hasn't slept last night. He told he wanted to lay down for a bit. B-But then he just disappeared. Fuck, what if he-"

"No Joshua, listen to me." - Brendon knitted his brows together. "We will find him, do you hear me? He will be okay. Come on, have you looked in the backyard?" 

"Three times already."

"Okay, here's what we'll do." - Gerard stood up from the chair. "Me and Mikey will search the house. Dallon, you go to every bar down this street,okay?" - Dallon nodded.

"Me and Ry will go to the cableway." - Brendon said.

"Yes, and Josh-"

"I know where I have to look. The forest." - Josh whispered suddenly, his eyes going wide from the realization.

"Wha-Why would Tyler go to the forest,Josh?"

"Trees. Fucking trees. How did not I think about it.." - Josh bolted out from the kitchen, leaving his confused friends behind. 

He run, with all the force that was left in his body. He run, not thinking about anything. Just Tyler. His Tyler. Alone, in the forest. In the cold.. He finally approached the forest and stopped running, desperately trying to catch his breath. He coughed and steadied himself. He did not know where to search for his boy. He tried to call out his name, but nothing came out of his mouth. He started to ru again and after twenty minutes, he finally spotted Tyler under the huge oat tree. He breathed out with a relief and slowly started to near the boy.

"Tyler?" - He called out quietly. Tyler was standing,with his back facing Josh. He did not wear anything but sweatpants and t-shirt. And it was fucking snowing outside. Josh took off his jacket, but Tyler took a step away from him.

"Tyler, look at me." - Josh begged.

Tyler shook his head. Josh neared him again, wrapping his arms around Tyler's thin body. He was shaking, and probably not from the cold and wind. 

"Baby boy, what's wrong? What are you doing here?" - Josh whispered. 

"Silent in the trees.. That's where I am.. Standing cowardly.." - Tyler mumbled, Josh realized his eyes were unfocused and gaze lost somewhere in the air. He cupped his boyfriend's face and forced Tyler to look him in the eyes.

"Tyler. I need you to concentrate on my voice,okay?"

"I can feel your breath.. I can feel my death.." - Tyler let out a shaking whisper and closed his eyes. 

"No, Tyler." - Josh shook him and Tyler's eyes snapped open. "Look at me. Find my voice in all of the mess inside of your thoughts. Find my voice and concentrate. Let it lead you. Follow it,okay?"

Josh's voice was calm, soothing. Tyler's brows knitted together. 

"Yes, just like that. Follow me. Come back to me, baby boy. Slowly.l Don't let him occupy your mind. Don't let him win. Feel my voice inside of your body. Find me.."

Tyler blinked several times and finally, his eyes met Josh's honey-brown ones.

"Hey there." - Josh breathed out. 

"Hello.." - Tyler whispered. "I found you.. You found me.."

"I will always find you." - Josh locked him into the embrace, inhaling his smell. "God, you've scared me. You've scared everybody."

"I am sorry.."

"No, don't be. Come on, let's get you home."

Josh interlaced his fingers with Tyler's frozen, shaking ones. He found him and he was not going to let him go.


	33. Can you read my mind?

Tyler's been sitting on the floor and staring at the fireplace for almost an hour. No sound has escaped his mouth since they came back home. His hands were still cold and shaking. He had dark circles around his eyes and Josh wanted to hang himself, because God damn it, how could he not notice anything earlier. Josh was sitting behind Tyler on the couch, his eyes full of concern and fear for his boy. 

"He needs some space, Josh." - Gerard, who's was sitting beside him, whispered to Josh.

"I know, Gee." - Josh nods. "It's just.. I feel like he's slipping away from me. And I can't stop it."

Gerard patted his friend's knee.

"It will be okay. Just don't leave him." 

"Never." - Josh said, his brows knitted together. Gerard smiled at him and his gaze returned to Tyler's slightly bent back. 

"Tyler?" - He called the boy.

Tyler did not stir. He hummed quietly in response.

"I'm heading out to join B and Ryan in the pub. Wanna come?"

Tyler shook his head. Gerard smiled at Josh one last time before getting up and leaving the room. Josh left the couch and kneeled near Tyler, touching his shoulder with his fingers.

"Can I sit here?" - He asked quietly. Tyler moved away, it meant yes, Josh decided. He sat down near beside Tyler, his legs crossed.

"Don't want to talk?" 

Tyler shook his head, not tearing off his eyes from the fire.

"Yes.. Okay, Ty."

They sat like that for what felt like an eternity, until Tyler finally spoke up.

"I'm a goner."

Josh looked at him, eyes full of confusion.

"Ty, what are you t-"

"I wanna be know by you.." - The boy whispered shakily. His lip quivered and Josh wanted to die. Right then, right there. Die and not see his beautiful boy in this state. He threw his arms around the boy's thin frame, placing him in his lap and stroking his messy hair.

"I love you, Tyler. I love you so much. I can't lose you to him."

"I've got two faces. Blurry's the one I'm not."

"I know, baby boy."

"I need your help to take him out."

Josh buried his face in Tyler's brown,fluffy hair. It was getting long enough for curls to form and Josh loved it.

"I'm here. I am not leaving you." - He whispered and squeezed the boy harder.

"I don't know how long I can last." - Tyler said suddenly.

Josh felt his heart sinking, lungs shutting of, brain boiling.

"No, no, what are you talking about?!" - He lifted Tyler's chin with his finger and looked him in the eyes. "Don't you dare to say that,Tyler. You can't fucking leave me, what am I supposed to do without you?!" - His voice cracked at the end as tears formed in his eyes.

Tyler did not answer. Instead, he buried himself deeper in Josh's chest and let out a shaky sigh.

"Somebody catch my breath.."


	34. I'm not okay

"I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him. I've tried everything, I tried talking, tried to take him to the therapist but he refuses, it's like.. It's like he wants this to happen." - Josh clutched the mug with his fingers and stared down at it. The coffee's got cold a long time ago, but he could not let the cup go. He liked the feeling of control over something. Anything. Even this, something so small and unimportant. 

"J, if there's anything we can do to help.." - Brendon reached out and touched his friend's hand sympathetically. 

"There's nothing, Bren. It's been almost a month, it's been going on since we got back from the holidays.. I am confused and lost and.." - His voice was shaking.

"Look.." - Brendon pushed his chair near his friend and lowered his head to catch Josh's eyes. "It is hard for him. He's struggling, I know, I can see it but.. It's not your fault, Josh. Nothing's your fault. This all is happening in his head, on the chemical level, J.."

"I know." - Josh tried to smile at his friend. "I know.."

"Where is he?"

"In the bedroom. He's uh-he's not talking with me. He's just facing the wall and.. Nothing." - He sighed and shook his head, pitching the bridge of his nose. "I've never felt so useless."

"You are not useless. You're with him, keeping him alive, Josh."

"Yeah,alive.." - Josh mumbled. "I-I better go and lay down with him, try to.. I don't know, try anything." - He pushed his chair back and got up.

"Sure." - Brendon smiled. "I'm here if you need anything, We're all here."

"Thanks, B. Thank you so much."

Josh felt their presence, he felt he's not alone. He was never alone, they always got his back. He slowly made his way to the bedroom. The boy opened the door and the darkness met him. Tyler refused to switch on the lights or drain the curtains. Not even a small perk of light could crawl in. Josh has always hated the darkness. Feared,even. But Tyler was more important. He would do anything to make him feel better. 

Josh laid down near his Tyler, carefully locking him in his embrace and buried his nose in the boy's neck.

"Hey, Ty."

Tyler stayed quiet. Josh knew he wasn't asleep, because of his breathing. He knew his breathing patter too well.

"Brendon and Ryan are going to the movies. We'll be alone for the whole night."

And? Josh knew it meant nothing to Tyler. 

"I miss you,baby boy.." - He whispered shakily, hugging Tyler harder.

He felt Tyler moving beside him. He moved away a little, so that the boy cold turn around and face Josh. He looked pale. He has lost weight, even though Josh tried to force-feed him. His dark circles got bigger and darker. This is the first time the boy looked at him properly in days.

"Hi.." - Josh smiled.

"Hey." - A small, broken voice crawled up inside Josh's mind. He stroke Tyler's cheeks with shaking fingers. 

"What do you say if we take a bath, Ty?"

Tyler stayed quiet, still looking at his boyfriend.

"I'll help you. Okay?"

"Okay.." 

"I'll prepare everything." - Josh kissed Tyler's temple and run to the bathroom. He turned on the hot water and reached out for some towels. Then, he returned to their bedroom and grabbed sweatpants and hoodie from his wardrobe, placing them near the bath.

"Come here.." - He leaned down and Tyler crawled into his embrace. Josh literally carried him to the bathroom in his arms, the boy was surprisingly lightweight and Josh hated it. 

"Here, I'll help you to take these off." - He sat down his boyfriend on the edge of bath and carefully took his pants, boxers and t-shirt off. Tyler was motionless, limp like a rug-doll. Only his eyes looked alive, swirling holes in Josh's chest. 

"See? Easy." - Josh helped him to get in the bath and regulated the water. His jeans were getting wet and heavy but he couldn't care less. Tyler was leaning on Josh's chest with his back. He slowly,gently massaged the shampoo in boy's curly, messy hair. 

"You're gonna be so clean and pretty. Not that you're not pretty, trust me you are." - He laughed quietly. 

"Hey. You need to stay with me, okay Ty?" - Josh whispered were he realized his boyfriend was about to pass out. 

"Josh.." - He heard a quiet whisper. 

"Yes? Yes, Ty. What is it?"

"I need to.. S-Sit down.. Please.." - The boy mumbled before his body got too heavy for Josh to hold. Both of them fell down to their knees, Josh still clutching on Tyler.

"Hey, hey it's okay, baby boy. It's okay I've got you." - He felt Tyler's body shaking and jerking from the quiet sobs. Hot, bitter tears fell down from his boy's face. 

"I love you, I love you so much, baby. You're beautiful, unbelievable, magical.. You're everything to me, I can't stand even a thought of you.." - Something choked him, but he swallowed his sobs and buried them deep inside his chest. 

"I will be strong. I have to be strong, for you, for us, baby boy." 

"I'm scared.." - Tyler sobbed.

"I know, I know.. But I am here, I will protect you. I won't let him take you away.. I promise.."

They sat like that, clutching and gripping onto each other. They sat until Tyler's breath steadied and sobs stopped. Josh then helped him up and rinsed the shampoo and soap from his body. Then he wrapped Tyler in the towel.

"Here, put these.."

"Th-This is your hoodie." - Tyler sniffed.

"Yes, but I can bring you some of yours. I just thought it would be more comfort-"

"Thank you.." - Tyler whispered before putting Josh's hoodie on. 

Josh's heart sank from the sight. Tyler looked so small and fragile in his clothes. His hair was wet and falling down on his face.

"Come on, Ty.. Come on, let's dry your hair.."


	35. You are lovely

"I'm not gonna eat that."

"Are you fucking kidding me?! I spent the whole morning cooking that shit for you!"

"Brendon, it's burnt!" 

"Yes, maybe it is, but come on, Ry! I tried so hard!" - Brendon fell down to the chair and sighed dramatically. "I wanted to surprise you."

"And you did." - Ryan pushed his chair away and kneeled down in from of him. "You did surprise me."

"Really?" - Brendon's face lit up with a grin. 

"Yeah." - Ryan smiled back and ruffled his boyfriend's hair. Then he looked back at the food and frowned. "But your pie is burnt, and let's be honest, you suck in cooking."

Brendon slapped Ryan's neck, causing him to hiss.

"Ouch!"

"Yeah, well sorry not everyone can cook like you! Plus, you look like that stupid Ratatouille rat. Of course you cook better."

"Did you just call me a rat?" - Ryan gasped.

"I did. What're you gonna do about it?" - Brendon smirked and neared his face to Ryan's shocked one. "Gonna take a revenge? I've been a bad boy."

Ryan pushed his boyfriend from the chair. 

"Ew."

Brendon fell flat on his ass.

"You motherfucker!" - He shouted.

"Shh! For fuck's sake, Tyler's sleeping!" - Ryan hissed with his index finger on his lips.

"But you-"

The doorbell cut him off. Ryan scoffed and walked out of the kitchen to open the door. It revealed a huge mess of red hair and smiley face.

"Gee?"

"I have some news!" - Gerard yelped when he walked into the kitchen and greeted Brendon.

"Spill out." 

"Okay.. So you know my job, right? Stupid paper work, tons of stress and stuff, but.. There's one positive thing I guess.."

"What is it?" - Ryan raised his eyebrows.

"My boss. He invited me on the date." - Gerard laughed quietly. 

But Brendon, on the other hand.. He choked on the food he was eating, almost puking out his breakfast. When he recovered, he looked at Gerard with wide eyes and lips parted.

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"Nope. He told me he'd like to know me better and stuff." - Gerard shrugged, smile stretched on his face.

"Oh my God!" - Brendon screamed, opening his arms and literally dragging Gerard in his embrace. "Finally! My baby Gee is going on a date!"

"Wow, hey." - Gerard pulled back and laughed. "Baby? I'm older that any of you."

"Tell us about him." - Ryan rested his chin on his palm.

"He's so cute.." 

"Very informative." - Brendon rolled his eyes. "Hair?"

"Black"

"Tattoos?"

"Yeah! A lot!"

"Nose?"

"Small, pointy."

"Piercings?"

"Yes."

"Alrighty." - Brendon clapped his hands. "I like him. Ry?"

"Same." - Ryan nodded. "What's his name?"

Gerard blushed.

"Frankie."

"Aaaaaaaww" - Brendon squealed. 

"Brendon quiet!" - Ryan hissed again but when they heard footsteps in the hall, they knew it was too late. 

Tyler walked into the kitchen. He was wearing his pajama bottoms and t-shirt. His hair was messy, eyes dark and frame thinner than ever. He quietly approached the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. 

"Ty! Hey there! Sorry we woke you up! Gerard was telling us about his date." - Brendon rambled. "Can you imagine it? Gerard. On a date! Isn't it unbelievable?"

Tyler was staring down at his water, his face was numb and emotionless.

"Brendon, It's not so unbelievable." - Gerard rolled his eyes and crossed arms on his chest. 

"It is! I mean when was the last time you had sex? Or you-"

"Brendon." - Ryan whispered, shutting the boy up. He pointed into Tyler's direction with his eyes. The boy was standing there, still staring down on his bottle like it was the most important thing ever.

"Ty?" - Gerard asked softly.

"Hm?" - The boy looked up at the wall behind them. Not them.

"You okay? Wanna lay down?"

Tyler stared at the wall for a moment, then turned around and left the kitchen, no sound escaped his lips. 

"Wow." - Gerard sighed.

"Yeah. It's been a month. Josh's losing his mind, there's nothing we can do." - Ryan mumbled.

"Is he seeing a therapist?"

"No. He refuses to."

"Oh. That.. That's not good." - Gerard knitted his brows together.

"So.. When's the date?" 

"Tomorrow. I'm so nervous! I mean, what should I wear? I know nothing about dates!"

"Don't worry, my friend!" - Brendon smiles. "You have the best date-organisator on your side, am I right Ry?"

"Yeah. Especially that one time when you took us to the ice-skating and broke your rib after ten minutes."

"It was not my fault! That stupid old lady crashed into me!"

"Brendon, she was probably hundred years old! She was not even ice-skating, she just stood there and you almost killed her!"

Gerard rolled his eyes and laughed. He knew he was in trouble if he trusted Brendon with his date. But he really wanted to impress his boss. Because well, he'd been crushing on him since forever. 

"Okay, so first clothes.."


	36. Don't threaten me with a good time

"I t'ld you n't wea'r that st'p'd tie, Ger'rd." - Brendon was holding pins and needles in his lips, his fingers running up and down on Gerard's suit. 

"But I like it! And it looks good!" - Gerard mumbled. "Ouch!" - He hissed.

"S'rry!" - Brendon shrugged.

"So.." - Mikey walked into the room holding a clip board and twisting a pen between his fingers. "We've picked two options of perfume."

Ryan entered right after him, holding two bottles of perfume.

"First.." - Mikey pointed at one of the bottles. "Paco Rabanne, "Million." - Elegant fragrance with an obsessive and captivating rhythm. On the other hand - Dior, "Fahrenheit" - evolutionary modern fragrance with top notes of mandarin, a highly original violet accord and a warm cedar, patchouli and leather.." - Mikey mumbled, looking down at his clip board.

"Bren, what do you think?" - Ryan asked.

"M'll'on. D'fin'tly."

"Check." - Mikey wrote down something and took a perfume from Ryan's hands. "Now, Gerard. Do you remember what we've talked about this morning?"

"Yes, I do." - Red-head rolled his eyes. "Impress him with quoting books, but try not to look like a nerd, which I am. Try not to talk about comics as much as I'd like to."

"Right."

"Ouch, Brendon!"

"Done!" - Brendon got up from his knees and hold his hands up. 

"So.. How do I look?" - Gerard asked awkwardly, turning around to face his friends.

"Perfect." - Ryan hold up his thumbs.

"Very modestly, elegant, classic." - Mikey nodded.

"I'm so proud of myself." - Brendon wiped his imaginary tear. "But, for fuck's sake, take this off!" - He grabbed Gerard's tie and took it off.

"But what-"

"Colleague, we have a new mission: Tie." - Mikey flipped through the papers.

"We need to pick one from the classic ones: black, blue or the red one with white dots." - Ryan nodded.

"But this one is okay!" - Gerard whimpered.

"It has an Iron Man on it!" - Brendon yelled.

"Gentlemen, follow me to the wardrobe." - Mikey announced.

"But guuuys, I want to wear this oneee." - Gerard squealed and followed his friends to his wardrobe.

"Ryan, Brendon, prepare the mirrors." - Mikey ordered. "Gerard, where do you keep your ties?"

"Highest shelf." - Red-head pointed.

"What?!" - Mikey broke the character and sighed. "How are we supposed to reach it?!"

"Well I don't really wear ties, so-"

"We know what we have to do." - Ryan mumbled.

Three of them exchanged looks. Brendon pulled out his phone and quickly typed in the number.

"What? Who are you cal-" - Gerard's eyes went wide.

"Hello. Dallon? We need your help."

__

Gerard walked into the fancy restaurant Frank told him about this morning. He let out a shaky breath, glancing at his reflection in the mirror. He had to admit, he looked nice. His friends did a really good job. He looked around, looking for his date. He spotted Frank sitting in the furthest table in the corner. 

"Hey, Gerard!" - Frank waved when he saw the red-head approaching. 

"Hi." - Gerard smiled.

"I'm really glad you made it." - The other boy smiled back at him. "I was just looking at the wines. Help me to pick?"

"Oh, of course." - Gerard took the menu and look down. He understood nothing. French, stupid names. 

"My personal favorite is Chateau d’Yquem Sauternes." - Frank pointed at one of the names. Gerard glanced at the price and gasped quietly.

"Um, it's 400$ for a bottle, Frank." 

"I know." - The smaller boy shrugged. "But I love it. It's on me. After all, it's me who invited you on the date."

"Oh, that's-"

"Please, don't" - Frank smiled. 

"Would you like to make an order, gentlemen?" - The waiter approached them.

"Yes, Monsieur." - Frank nodded. "We'd like a bottle of Chateau d’Yquem Sauternes, along with a portion of Hachis Parmentier and Magret de Canard. What about you, Gerard?"

"I-I.. Uh, I don't-I will have the same. I t-trust your taste." - Gerard mumbled. He wanted to slap himself for not being prepared for it. Ryan taught him names of at least five french dishes, but he remembered nothing. Thanks God none of his friends could see him now.

"So.." - Frank glanced at him when the waiter walked away. "Tell me more about yourself, Ger.."

Gerard swallowed hardly.

"Well, what would you like to know?"

"First things first.. " - The other boy leaned forward, whispering to Gerard. "DC or Marvel?

Boom.

Ladies and Gentlemen, that was the moment Gerard Arthur Way fell in love for the first time in his life.


	37. Boys love Boys and Boys

"Gerard is so happy with his date. He's been talking about it since he came back. It's unbelievable. He says that Frank is the love of his life, even their comics tastes are the same! God, this is amazing." - Josh chuckled and shook his head. "Oh, have I told you about hat happened this morning? It was so awkward, oh man. I walked into the bathroom and well, Ryan was kneeling in a bathtub and.."

"Can you.. Stop talking?" - Tyler whispered. 

"Oh." - Josh blinked. They were lying in the bed, holding each other. Well, Josh was holding Tyler. Tyler was just.. Lying. "Yeah. Okay, sure."

"I'm sorry." - Tyler closed his eyes and sighed. "I-I've got a migraine and any noise just.."

"Ty, I get it, really." - Josh traced his fingers along Tyler's chest. "Don't you think we need to see the doctor, baby boy?"

"Why?"

"Ty, when was the last time you got up from the bed? Or ate properly? Baby,this.."

"I can't." - Tyler whispered shakily. "I am okay, I promise. I don't need to see a doctor."

"Ty.. You're sufferig and I feel so useless.. I can't help you. I am losing you. We all are losing you.."

Tyler shut his eyes and sighed.

"I don't want to live anymore." - He said suddenly and Josh felt his heart dropped. 

"Hey, hey, baby." - He cupped his boyfriends face and looked down his tearful eyes. "I know you want to leave but please don't take your life away from me. You can't leave me. You fucking can't."

"I-I know." - Tyler whimpered. "I am so s-orry."

"Don't apologize. But you can't die, Tyler.." - Josh's voice cracked.

"Okay. Let's-Let's do it."

"W-What?"

"Doctor. Let's see a doctor." - Tyler mumbled.

__

 

"Either you get out in next ten seconds, or I'll break down the door and drown you in that toilet, Gerard!"- Brendon banged on the bathroom room.

"I am coming out, oh my God!" - Gerard yelled.

Brendon walked back into the living room and crashed down on the couch next to Ryan.

"What the hell is he doing there?" - Dallon asked.

"Talking to his Frankie." - Mikey rolled his eyes. 

"Again?!" 

"Every God damn minute, everyday."

"He's screwed." - Brendon chuckled. 

"He's in love. Try to understand him." - Mikey mumbled.

"I understand him." - Dallon shrugged, staring down at his fingers. Brendon's eyes fell down to the floor, his heart filled up with guilt. 

"I understand him too." - Ryan put his arm around Brendon's shoulders and squeezed the life out of him, causing the younger boy to yelp.

"Yeah, Josh told us about your bathroom incident." - Mikey raised his eyebrows. 

"That motherfucker!" - Brendon exclaimed. 

"W-What incident?" - Dallon asked confused.

"Oh man, these savages had a wild sex involving.."

"Shut up, for fuck's sake!" - Brendon yelled. Dallon was staring shocked at his friends. "N-Nobody want to know the details of our personal life, Mikey!"

"Baby, are you okay?" - Ryan mumbled,knitting his brows together.

"Y-Yeah, I am fine. I'm gonna go out for a smoke. Dallon, can I talk with you for a minute?" - Brendon got up.

"Um,sure." - Dallon followed the boy, ignoring confused gazes of his friends.

They walked out on the balcony. Brendon leaned on the wall pulling out his cigarette and lighting in up.

"Man, I am so sorry.." - He exhaled and shook his head. "Mikey can't shut his mouth.."

"Brendon, why are you apologizing?" 

"I-I.. Fuck, I don't know." - Brendon scratched his neck. "You don't want to hear a thing about our sex life, I get it."

"No, Bren." - Dallon approached him. "It's okay. You don't owe me anything, and you don't need to apologize for anything that's going on in your life. Plus.. It doesn't matter what you have with Ryan. It doesn't make me love you less, or anything like that.."

Brendon' breath hitched and his fingers started to shake. He did not know what to say, so he tried to smile at Dallon.

"Come on now, smoke your stupid cigarette and let's get back." - Dallon ruffled his hair and chuckled.


	38. Mr. Brightside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filler-kinda?

He knew he's been battling the demon on his own for too long now. Since he remembers himself, he's been trying to run away from himself. Hide, avoid his own face and body. He always thought of himself like some kind of a Donnie Darko, running away from his own Frank, his own scary rabbit. He looked for an answer everywhere, even in death. But death inspired him, like a dog inspires a rabbit. It inspired him to fight. He knew he needed help. He always thought that Josh would be enough. But even Josh needs help,sometimes. That's why Tyler decided to help Josh. He decided to agree with him and see a doctor. For Josh, not for himself.

"You okay?" - Josh whispered, holding his hand. Tyler nodded, staring down at the white floor piles. 

"Mr. Joseph?" - The nurse walked out into the hall. Tyler raised his hand. "Please, follow me."

"Can I come in?" - Josh asked the nurse quietly. 

"Are you his family?" 

"Uh,no. I'm-I'm his boyfriend. Partner. Please? He hates being here.."

The nurse smiled.

"Okay, I'll make an exception for you. This way.." - The nurse leaded them to the Doctor's room. Josh was not letting Tyler's hand go. He never will.

__

"Bren, have you seen my book?" - Ryan asked loudly, so that his voice could reach Brendon in the other room.

"Uh, book? What book. I have no idea." - His voice was too fake, Ryan knew it. 

"Can you come here,baby?" 

He heard his boyfriend curse quietly and after a second , he appeared in the doorframe.

"Come closer." - Ryan reached out his hands. Brendon neared him slowly.

"W-What's going on?"

"You hid my book, didn't you?" - Ryan raised his eyebrows. Brendon's eyes went wide.

"Haha, no, of course no, Why would I do that,Ry? Pff, that's stupid."

"Bren."

"Really, I would never.."

"Bren."

"Ugh, fine." - Brendon groaned. "You are spending the whole days reading your stupid book. You don't even pay attention to me." - He mumbled.

Ryan laughed and shook his head.

"Hug me, Bren." - He locked the boy in his embrace, inhaling his vanilla smell. "You're so silly. I am sorry, okay? I really am, baby."

"It's okay." - Brendon whispered. 

"I'm gonna throw up." - They heard a mumble behind their backs. 

"Will you ever leave our house or you just decided to move in? Like, all of you?" - Ryan rolled his eyes.

"You won't get rid of us so easily." - Miker shrugged and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a mug of coffee.

"That's my coffee, you dick!" - Brendon yelled.

"You'll make another one." 

"Gerard, I understand that you are staying here, but for the love of Satan, get this creature out of here." - Ryan hissed at the ball of fur near his legs.

"Hey! don't you dare to talk about Killjoy like that! He's my little boy, aren't you? My sweet pie, my little angel." - Gerard grabbed his cat.

"Oh, let's just hope Frank is kinky." - Brendon sighed.

"Ew!"

"When will we meet him?" - Ryan asked, putting his feet on the table and leaning back in his chair.

"First of all, get you feet away from the kitchen table, man. And second: I don't want to rush stuff, you know? I don't want to scare him off.."

"First: this is my house and my table, so fuck off. Second: You're not rushing anything. Invite him over, tell him your squad wants to met him."

"Squad? What the fuck, Ry? What are you, 10?" - Brendon's face twisted in disgust.

"Whatever." - Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Fine. Okay. I will invite him. But please, please behave like an adequate people. I beg you."

"Chill, Gee. He will love us!" 

"Yeah, I am sure he will.."

Gerard was screwed.


	39. Save myself

Tyler hardened his grip on the small, orange bottle in his hands. His knuckles were getting white from the pressure, his already shaking hands shook even harder. Josh’s been rambling about his day since he got home from his job. But Tyler couldn’t concentrate on anything but the pills he was given this morning. 

_“- You need to be very responsible with taking your pills, Mr. Joseph. Zoloft has many side effects, such as insomnia, anxiety and tremors. Unfortunately, there is a danger that, in some people, antidepressant treatment will cause an increase, rather than a decrease, in depression. In that case, if you ever feel down or suicidal, you have to connect your therapist or your partner, by that I mean you, Mr. Dun. Is that clear, Mr. Joseph?"_

_“-Yes, I understand."_

_“- You’ll have an appointment with Doctor Sykes every Wednesday and Saturday for the beginning, he will tell you the rest. Okay?”_

_“-Okay..”_

“Ty?” - Josh’s concerned voice snapped him out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah. I’m-I’m listening.”

“You don’t have to pretend, Ty.” - Josh smiled at him and patted his shoulder. “Have you taken any of these today?”

“No, not yet. I’m going to take one ever midnight. The doctor said it’s enough for the start, just to track results, you know.”

“Yeah, sure. You know, I am really proud of you.”

Tyler raised his eyes at his boyfriend,his eyebrows knitted together.

“Proud? For what? That I am broken?”

“You are not broken, silly.” - Josh smiled. “You are beautiful. I am proud because you agreed to do something you hated so much.”

“For you. I did it for you.” - Tyler shrugged. “I don’t even think these stupid pills will help me..”

Josh kneeled in front of his boyfriend and locked his eyes with Tyler’s sad, tired ones.

“Hey.. Everything will be alright, Ty. I promise you. I am here, I will always be here for you. I am never letting you go. Blurryface can go fuck himself.” - Tyler giggled at this.

“Yeah, do you hear me, you faceless bastard? You are weak, you are nothing. Tyler’s not alone, he’s got me. You are alone, you useless void. Go fuck yourself!” - Josh yelled as Tyler laughed, throwing his head back. Josh laughed with him, holding his hand.

“What a nice way to spend a peaceful evening.” - Brendon walked into the room, wrapped in the blanket. 

“Hey buddy, you feeling better?” - Josh asked and ruffled his friend’s hair.

“No, I feel like shit. Everything hurts.” - The boy whimpered.

“Temperature?”

“Same.” - He sighed.

“Stop moping around, you’re a man!” - Josh exclaimed. 

“Stop talking so loudly, my head hurts!” - Brendon covered his ears with palms. 

“Poor Ryan, he has to endure you every day.” - Tyler chuckled.

“Look who spoke! Hello, Broseph. You back with us?” - Brendon smiled.

“Yeah. Trying to.. Brought these today.” - Tyler raised his bottle of pills.

“Let me look.” - Brendon grabbed the bottle from the boy’s hands and started to examine it. “Zoloft? I’ve heard that’s some good shit,man. It helps a lot.” - He handed the bottle back to his friend. “ Don’t you dare to disappear into your world like that ever again. We've missed you.”

“Thanks, Bren.” - Tyler smiled. 

“Okay, I’m gonna go lie down before I throw up everything I’ve eaten today.” - Brendon stood up from the chair. 

“You need anything?”

“Other than Ryan’s dick? Nope. Too bad that bastard is working a night shift today. His princess needs some cuddles.” 

“Go lie down, princess.” - Josh chuckled and shook his head. Suddenly, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out and knitted his brows together before answering the call. 

“Gee? Hi. What’s up? .. Oh, yes. You mean right now? .. Yeah, but Ryan’s not home and Brendon is sick as hell .. Yeah, okay then, sure .. See ya.”

He hang up and looked up at his friends.

“Gerard’s coming over. With Frank. They were at the restaurant down the street and decided to come say hi.”

“What?!” - Brendon squealed. “What the fuck, why did he have to do this today? When I am literally dying and look like a dog poo?!”

“Brendon, relax. You are fine, and you look beautiful, as always.” - Tyler smiled at him.

“Oh, thanks Ty.” - Brendon blushed. “B-But I have to change,at least. And you should too, Josh. Take those ugly sweatpants off before I burn them on you.” 

Josh lifted his middle finger at Brendon as he exited the room. 

“Hey, you’re gonna be okay? Are you sure this isn’t too much..?” - He asked his boyfriend.

“I’ll be fine, J. I promise. I really want to meet the boy who crawled inside our Gee’s heart.” 

“Good.” - Josh smiled. “Let’s get something to eat, then."


	40. I'm okay, I promise

"I hate doing this without you, man." - Brendon sighed.

"It's okay, B. We can go on the double date with them tomorrow or something like that." - Ryan's soft voice was coming from the phone. "Are you feeling better?"

"Not really. But I'll be fine."

"You're not gonna wear your pajamas,are you?" - Brendon heard his boyfriend chuckle.

"Why not?! He has to see the real side of me." - He laughed. "But no, I am not."

"Okay,love." - Brendon could imagine how wide was Ryan smiling. "I love you. I'll see you in the morning."

"Bye, Ry."

He hung up and couldn't stop the grin stretching on his face. Brendon put the phone into his pocket and looked into the bathroom mirror in front of him. He looked like a mess, his hair was sticking out in all directions, eyes were bloodshot and his nose was red as hell. But on the inside - he felt good. Really good. A loud knock snapped his out of his thoughts. 

"I'm coming out!" - He yelled.

Brendon glanced once again at his reflection before unlocking the doors and stepping out. It was time to meet Gee's precious boyfriend. The minute he walked into the hall, Josh bumped into him with a loud hiss.

"Man, what the hell?!" - Brendon whimpered, clutching on his shoulder. 

"Sorry, man. We gotta be quick." - Josh was holding a broom,and he had a red apron on. Brendon laughed at the sight. "Stop laughing idiot, and do something! We don't want Frank to think his boyfriend's friends are huge pigs!" - His friend threw a wet rag at him. "Here, wipe the dust from the shelves. Move!"

Brendon looked down at the piece of cloth in his hands and laughed even more. 

"Okay, cinderella." - He yelled and went to the living room, where the dusty shelves were waiting for him. That's when the doorbell rang.

"They're already here?!" 

"No, no. It has to be Tyler, he went out for some groceries." - Josh mumbled as he ran to open the door. "Come on,baby." - He took the bags from his boyfriend and made his way to the kitchen. Tyler closed the door behind him. His nose scrunched and the disgust painted on his face.

"Josh?" - His quiet voice was full of concern.

"Yes?!" - Josh yelled from the kitchen.

"I think something's burning.."

"OH MY GOD, I FORGOT THE PIE!!!!"

__

 

Gerard knew this was a bad idea. He knew his friends. He knew they would embarrass the hell out of him. But Frank really wanted to meet them. And, to be honest. they are probably the biggest part of Gerard's life. He glances back at Frank, who was holding a wine bottle in his hands. Frank notices him staring and gave him his best smile. With every smile like this, Gerard was falling deeper in love with this man. He breathed out before ringing a doorbell. They heard shuffling from behind the door, then Brendon's quiet curse. A red-head closed his eyes and sighed. Here goes nothing. Finally,the door opened and revealed smiling Tyler.

"Hey,Gee." 

"Hi,Ty." - Gerard locked his favorite friend (don't tell Brendon) in a hug. "How are you? This is Frank. My-my.. Um.."

"Boyfriend." - Black-haired boy said proudly before reaching out his hand to Tyler. "Nice to meet you, Tyler."

"Nice to meet you too, Frank." - Tyler shook his hand and smiled even wider. "Come in." 

They stepped into the apartment. Frank was looking around the walls. Black and white photo of smiling Sinatra was staring down at them. Gerard knew this place was something new for Frank. He was nothing like his friends. Frank was rich, too rich, actually. He owned a huge ass house, a fucking pool and three different cars. He probably was not used to small, messy houses like this. Gerard felt an anxiety filling up his body. What if Frank won't like his friends? What if he will be uncomfortable? What if-

Frank's fingers interlaced with his shaking ones. Gerard let out a breath and smiled. Everything would be okay.

"This way. Josh tried to cook a pie, but failed. But we have some of Ryan's lasagna. Gerard knows how tasty it is." - Tyler was leading them to the kitchen.

"Thank you so much for hosting us. And we apologize for visiting you at such a late time, Tyler. We brought you some wine as a gift." - Frank's soft voice was everything Gerard needed to hear. Tyler looked back at Gee with his eyes wide. He was definitely surprised to hear Frank's refined speech. 

"Did I hear wine?!" - Brendon jumped from his seat the second they walked into the kitchen. He quickly made his way to the couple.

"Hi, Bren." - Gerard mumbled before he was locked into bone-cracking embrace Brendon always gave him.

"You must be Frank!" - Brendon then hugged Frank. A quiet gasp escaped the smaller boy's lips. He was not expecting such a warm greeting. "My cupcake's cupcake!"

"Oh God, Brendon. Let him go." - Gerard mumbled, his cheeks getting red.

"It's-It's fine." - Frank said when Brendon pulled away. That's when he noticed Josh's bright pink hair. "Hey! You must be Josh, right?" 

"Yes. Hi, buddy." - Josh smiled with that eyes-crunching smile of his. 

"Join us,man!" - Brendon exclaimed. "Oh, and give that to me." - He grabbed a bottle of wine from smaller man's hands. "Oh Jesus Christ! This wine costs the same as Ryan's parents' house!" 

Gerard's cheeks flushed red again. 

"That's my favorite one. I genuinely hoped you would like it." - Frank smiled.

"Thanks,man. It's amazing." - Brendon shook his head and looked at Gerard. "I already love him, Gee. Plus, his name is Frank. All Franks are amazing,coming from Sinatra's biggest fan. And his ass is beautiful." - He whispered the last sentence into Gerard's ear.

Red- head opened his mouth to shut him up, but once again, Frank's fingers stroking his wrists stopped him. He looked at his boyfriend and saw the joy, happiness in his eyes. 

"I already love you too, friends. I've heard so much about you." - Frank said. "I've heard about your wonderful music taste, Josh. You have to borrow me some of your CD's. And that you write your own music, Tyler. I would love to hear them sometime, if you don't mind, of course. And you, Brendon. Oh, I've heard so much about you. You must be a wonderful human being from what I know."

You know what? 

That's how Gerard fell in love once again with Frank.


	41. When I was a young boy

"Y-Yes?" - Brendon's voice was hoarse from the sleep and sickness. What can be worse than being woken up by the phone call? Especially on Sunday morning. 

"Brendon?" - The hushed voice asked.

"Yeah, who-who's that?" - His vision was still blurry, so he couldn't read the caller ID.

"It's me."

"Dal?" - The boy leaned on his elbows, his eyebrows met together. Dallon did not sound well.

"Yes. Yes, hi."

"What's going on,man? It's 7 am."

"Can you come? I-I'm sorry, I know but, fuck, can you maybe,uh, just-"

"Hey, hey, calm down. Yeah, okay, I'll come Dal. What happened?" 

"Just, just come." - his friend hung up, leaving Brendon confused and surprised. He looked down at his boyfriend on the other side of the bed, tangled in the blanket. He placed a kiss in Ryan's messy hair and whispered a silent "I'll be back" before jumping out of the bed and meeting the cold floor beneath his feet.

__

Brendon banged on the door several times before it opened and revealed Dallon. But it wasn't really Dallon. Brendon couldn't stop a quiet gasp escaping his lips when he saw the state his friend was in. Dallon's brown hair got longer and was now covering his ocean-blue eyes, he had bags under his eyes and dark circles covered them. 

"Dallon?!" 

"Come in." - Dallon stepped away and let Brendon walk in. The apartment was a mess. Cans of Red Bull were lying everywhere, burnt cigarettes and ashes, he even spotted the bottles of Vodka at the table. Brendon turned around to face his friend. 

"What the hell is this?!" 

Dallon stared back, unable to produce any sound. He simply stood there, shaking. Brendon approached his friend, concern eating him alive.

"Look. Why don't we sit down and you explain everything to me?" - The other boy nodded. They sat down on the couch, still not breaking an eye contact.

"Now. What's going on?" - Brendon asked quietly.

"Everything is- I don't-" - The taller boy couldn't form any words. 

"Hey, look at me." - Brendon cupped his friend's face. "Deep breaths, okay? I'm here, it's okay. You just need to tell me."

"Everything is going to shit." - Dallon mumbled. Brendon's heart broke because Dallon was never the one to use this kind of words. He was never the one who smoke and drank. 

"Why didn't you call us? Me? I haven't seen you in weeks, Dal."

"My father died." - Dallon finally let out and Brendon felt the world covering in blur around him. 

"Wait, what? When? Oh, Dal I'm so sor-"

"2 weeks ago."

"And you didn't tell us..?"

"No. I was not ready to process it.."

"Oh, Dal. I am sorry.." - Brendon hugged his friend, allowing him to bury his nose in his hair. He felt Dallon's body trembling and wrecking from the sobs he was trying to swallow and hide in his chest. 

"It's not right, B-Bren. He was not read-dy, I wasn't ready to l-lose him.."

"I know, I know, love." - Brendon was stroking his hair. "Death is a bitch."

"I'm sorry I didn't t-tell you.."

"Hey, you have nothing to apologize for. I just.. I could help,you know.. You wouldn't have to be alone."

"I preferred to be alone, then to feel something with someone I can't have." - Dallon whispered. Brendon closed his eyes and sighed.

"Dal-"

"Don't." - Dallon pulled away and wiped the tears from his face. "You don't have to take care of me from now on, only because I lo-"

"Stop." - Brendon hushed him. "You're my friend. One of my best friends. You've helped me when I needed it most. Now it is my turn."

Dallon nodded, staring down at the floor. 

"First of all." - Brendon got up from the couch and paced around the room. "Let's get rid of this mess. You're the result of millions years of evolution, Dallon, so you need to stop living like the cave-man." - He grabbed cans from the floor. "And oh my God, did you start smoking? Remember how you lectured me about it? Shame on you, Weekes."

Dallon did not lift his eyes. Brendon sighed and approached him, kneeling beside him. 

"It's going to be okay, Dal." - He whispered and smiled at his blue-eyed friend. "I promise you."

"You do?" - Dallon's voice cracked. 

"I do." - The smaller boy smiled. "I'm going to the kitchen, to make some coffee and then, then we take care of this mess,man." - He walked out of the living room. Dallon stared at the door and felt his heart beating like a crazy.

"I love you." - He mouthed, so that nobody but Dallon himself could hear it. It was the only thing he had left, the only thing he loved and mattered. So, to stay alive, he had to clutch on that feeling as hard as he could and never let go.


	42. Lying is the most fun a boy can have

It's been a week since Brendon got that morning call from Dallon and ran down the blocks to help his friend. He's been visiting his blue-eyed friend every morning, preparing tea and breakfast, tidying up and talking, talking for hours with Dallon. And it was working. Dallon was getting better. He went back to his job, started smiling again. The only problem was that Brendon hadn't told Ryan about it. And if you asked him why, he probably wouldn't be able to answer. He kept lying to his boyfriend, hiding the true reasons why he was leaving in the mornings. It was one of those mornings, Brendon told Ryan he was going to the coffee shop to get some croissants. He became a liar.

"You okay?" - Dallon's concerned voice snapped him out of thoughts. 

"Yeah, yeah, sorry. Zoned out." - Brendon sipped his coffee. 

"I was thinking.." - Dallon cleared his throat. "I-I could visit. Tomorrow. I mean, you're probably getting tired of coming down here every damn day. Maybe, tomorrow I could visit. I haven't seen Josh and Tyler for a really long time and.. Yeah, and Ryan too, so.."

"Yes, of course. That's a good idea." - Brendon smiled, trying to hide his anxiety caused by this idea. By the idea of Ryan knowing the truth, knowing that he lied.

"Okay." - Dallon smiled back.

__

 

"Don't tell me we're watching Ace Ventura again." - Ryan whimpered and crashed down on the couch next to his boyfriend.

"Oh, come on, Ry. We haven't seen it in months."

"Yes, because I hate it!"

"But you love me." - Brendon smirked.

"I do." - Ryan smiled and placed a small kiss on smaller boy's lips. That's when the doorbell rang and Brendon's heart missed a beat.

"I-I'll get it. It must be Dallon." - He jumped from his seat and run to open the door. He was right, it was his tall, ocean-eyed friend.

"Hi." - He smiled.

"Hey, Dally. Come in." 

Brendon closed the door behind his friend and started anxiously tagging the sleeves of his hoodie. Hysteria was occupying his mind. Why didn't he tell Ryan about everything? Why did he have to lie?! 

"Hey,Ryan." - Dallon waved at the boy.

"Oh, hi." - Ryan got up and reached out his arms to hug his friend. "Haven't seen you in a while,man. Where have you been?"

Dallon looked back at Brendon, slightly confused.

"At-at home?" 

"Why haven't you called? We missed you. Come on, join us, we're going to watch Ace Ventura. Ugh, I hate it so much." - Ryan sighed.

"Really?" - Dallon sat down and looked up at his friend. "Haven't we seen it yesterday, Bren?"

Fuck. 

Brendon's eyes went wide as he appeared lost for words. What now? What now? What now?

"Yesterday?" - Ryan's brows knitted together. "Dal, we haven't seen you in months." 

"Um, what?" - Dallon's surprised expression was killing Brendon. "What are you talking about? Brendon, what is going on?" - He looked at his friend, who was desperately trying to transform into the doorframe and disappear.

"I-I, uh, well he-"

"Dallon, is everything okay?" - Ryan was confused as hell. Oh, fuck.

"No, everything is not okay?!" - Dallon's voice raised. "What the hell is going on with you two? My father died two weeks ago and Brendon's been visiting me since then, almost every morning. What do you mean I haven't seen him in months?!"

Brendon preferred to be naked in Antarctica, freezing to his death then to feel Ryan's shocked, hurt gaze on him.

"What?" - Ryan whispered pathetically. 

"Okay, I think I'll go." - Dallon got up from the couch. "Nice talk."

"No, Dallon." - Ryan stopped him. "I-I am so sorry for your loss. I had no idea. Nobody has told me. I am really sorry.." 

"Thank you, Ry." - Dallon smiled at his friend. "But I better be going." - He walked towards the door and turned around to face Brendon. "Oh, and don't bother visiting me from now on, Bren. I never really wanted to be your secret and stand between you two.."

Brendon's heart broke as the door shut behind Dallon. He shut his eyes closed and breathed out. He was screwed. 

"So, croissants,huh?" - Ryan asked, with his voice shaking. "And morning runs? And grocery shopping? Nice, Bren. Nice."

"Ry, let me exp-"

"Did I deserve it?" - Ryan asked and turned around to face his boyfriend with tears shimmering in his eyes. "Did I deserve it?"

"I-"

"I did, you're right. I deserved it for everything I have done in past. But I've changed. I wanted you to see that I've changed. Fuck, I wanted you to-to see through me and.." - Tears were sliding down his face. Brendon run up to his boyfriend, cupping his face and wiping tears with his thumbs.

"Ryan, I am so,so sorry. I don't know why I did it. I thought you'd be angry because of the Dallon's feelings to me and-"

"Feelings?"

Oh, fuck, fuck. 

Shit.

"I mean, I-"

"Brendon. There's nothing to lose anymore." - Ryan's voice was dead serious and it scared Brendon, it really did. "Truth. I beg you."

"He loves me." - Brendon spat. Ryan stared for a moment, then chuckled and shook his head.

"He loves you."

"I am sorry."

"No, don't." - Ryan pulled away. "You could have told me. I would understand. I am your best friend, Brendon. Or, I thought I was.."

"No, Ry-"

"Is he the one you kissed during our break up last year?"

Brendon's heart dropped to his toes. He swallowed hard and nodded.

"Oh." - This is all Ryan could manage to say.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Im sorry I lied to you, Ry."

"You still are lying, Brendon."

"What?"

"Do you like him?"

This question sent shivers down the boy's spine. Everything froze, the time stood still. He never imagined he would have this conversation with Ryan.

"Answer me, Bren. Please." - Ryan begged, his voice cracked.

"I-I don't know." - Brendon whispered and closed his eyes.

"Huh. Fuck.." - Ryan turned away from him,hugging himself. 

"Ryan, I-"

"I am going out." - Ryan suddenly snapped, walked to the couch and grabbed his leather jacket. He was already in the hall and Brendon was still processing everything.

"Don't go, don't leave me, no,no please." - Brendon ran after him, sobbing pathetically.

"I am not leaving you, Brendon." - Ryan hissed. "I am going out. Don't call me, please. Go to bed if I don't get back by the midnight." 

With these words, the door shut behind his back and Brendon was left alone with the whole world breaking down on him.


	43. Fall away

"Your turn." - Josh yawned and scratched the back of his neck. Tyler was concentrated on the board-game in front of him. 

"You didn't pay me." - He noticed and looked up at his boyfriend. 

"Oh, damn it. I thought you would notice." - Josh sighed.

"Seriously? We're playing Monopoly, there's only two of us. Why would I not notice?" - Tyler laughed and shook his head. Josh mumbled something under his breath and reached out for his money. 

"Go on, play." 

"It's 1 a.m., don't you think we'd better be going to bed?"

"Huh, so you're giving up?" - Josh smirked.

"No, I am not! I just want to go to sleep!" 

"Yeah, right." - Josh rolled his eyes. Suddenly, something banged and crashed in the hallway. Tyler yelped and jumped from surprise.

"What the he-"

"Hello ther-re." - A drunk, lanky boy slurred as he leant on the doorframe. Curly, messy hair was falling down his face.

"Ryan?!" - Josh couldn't hide the surprise. He was confused to see his friend in this state, especially when Ryan was not the one to drink himself to death. Brendon was, though.

"Hi, J-Josh." - Ryan slowly walked towards his friends, but stumbled on something (on his own leg,actually) and fell down on his knees. 

"Ouch-ch." - He laughed and laid down on the wooden floor. Josh appeared near him in a second, staring down at his friend with eyes full of concern.

"What is wrong with him?" - Tyler asked quietly. 

"I don't know. Help me, we need to take him to his room."

"I'll get Brendon." - Tyler disappeared in the hall. Josh kneeled down beside Ryan and stroke the hair away from his face.

"What the hell, man?" - He whispered. Ryan was laughing hysterically, tears sliding down his face. 

"Oh my God." - Brendon let out a shaky whimper as he walked into the living room. "Ry, what happened? Oh, fuck." - He dropped on his knees near his boyfriend. Ryan's laughing was filling up the whole house,he probably woke up some neighbors too. Brendon's eyes met Josh's concerned ones.

"What-what happened?" - He asked.

"I don't know." - Josh shrugged. "He just.. He came home 5 minutes ago in this state. Was he out? Alone?"

Brendon cursed and shook his head.

"This is my fault.."

"What do you mean?"

"Josh." - Brendon turned around and faced his friend. "Please, let me handle this. I need to-we need to.. Just, go to bed. Please."

Josh nodded, his brows were still knitted together. From surprise, confusion.. 

"Ty, let's go." - He grabbed smaller boy's hand and literally dragged him out of the room.

Brendon looked down at his boyfriend, who stopped laughing and was now lying still on the floor. His chest rising was the only movement he could manage.

"Fuck, Ry.." - Brendon shook his head. 

"I d-deserve it." - Ryan whispered.

"No, no baby. Please don't blame yourself. Please.." - This sight broke smaller boy's heart. He has never seen Ryan in this state. Ryan was never the heart-broken one. He helped his boyfriend up, who's knees barely hold the his weight.

Brendon practically carried him to their bedroom and laid Ryan down on the bed, sitting beside him.

"You want me to help you with getting undressed?" - He asked quietly.

"I'm n-not sleeping here tonight." - Ryan mumbled. Brendon felt his lungs shutting as a quiet gasp left his lips.

"W-What?"

"I'm gon-na sleep on the c-couch." - Ryan leaned on his elbows and tried to get up.

"No, no, what are you talking about? What if you wake up at night and get sick? Or-or get thirsty?" - Brendon started panicking. Ryan scoffed and shook his head.

"I know where the t-toilet and the k-kitchen are." - Ryan finally managed to get up on his feet and was now shuffling from one feet to another. "W-Where did we fuck up,Bren?" - He suddenly asked quietly.

"I don't know.." - Brendon closed his eyes and sighed. This is the answer he gave Ryan hours ago, when he asked him about Dallon. Fuck this answer.

"You kn-now.. If you d-decide to leave me.." - Ryan slurred. "I h-hope he will make you happier than I ever did." 

That's when Brendon couldn't stop himself from letting out a wet sob. His body trembled as tears started to fall down on his lap. How could he do this to Ryan? To his Ryan? How could he betray his own feelings?

The sound of door shutting snapped him out of this thoughts and he realized Ryan walked out of the room, leaving him sitting on the bed and crying, no, weeping.

Brendon hated himself. 

__

 

He glanced at the clocks on his nightstand. 5:40 a.m. His eyes couldn't shut close and his mind couldn't rest. How could it? He's been lying awake for the whole night,thinking his brains away. He heard a strange noise from behind the door and quickly jumped to his feet, as he remembered Ryan was sleeping on the couch in the living room. Brendon opened the door and neared the couch. It was empty. Oh, shit. Anxiety started rising up in his chest as he ran to the kitchen to check if Ryan was there. Empty.

No,no, this can't be happening. Ryan couldn't leave him, could he? Well, actually he could, Brendon literally told him he might be having feelings for somebody else. 

He spotted the light coming out from the bathroom. He appeared there in a second. Ryan was sitting on the bathroom floor piles. His eyes were red and bloodshot and he was coughing violently. Brendon kneeled beside him and cupped his face.

"Ry, hey, it's okay. I'm here.. Breath,baby." - Tears were falling down Ryan's face as he coughed and hiccuped between the sobs.

"I-I th-threw up f-four t-times, ever-rything h-urts.." - He sobbed,as Brendon hold him closer.

"Shh, I've got you. You got scared, it's okay now. You will be fine." - Smaller boy kissed his messy hair and rested his cheek on the boy's head. "I am so sorry for this.."

The boy continued to shake and tremble from crying. 

"I d-deserve th-this. I d-deserve this-s.." - He was repeating over and over again. "You l-love h-him.."

Brendon did not respond. Not because it was the truth. He simply did not know what to say. They spent the whole night clutching onto each other, Brendon holding Ryan, Ryan breaking down in Brendon's arms.

In the morning, when Tyler walked in, Brendon hushed him and signed to use another bathroom. He was sitting on the floor, back leaning on the cold wall as sleeping Ryan's head rested on his shoulder.

They were fucked up. 

So enormously fucked up.


	44. Faster, faster.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry, guys. 
> 
>  
> 
> stay safe

"This has to stop." - Gerard sighed as he sat down near his friend in one of the shitty pubs. "You guys should at least pay me for this. I'm becoming the squad-therapist. And I have boyfriend now, don't forget that." - Red-head smiled.

"Sor-ry, Gee." - Ryan slurred as he clutched his glass of beer. 

"So, what is going on, Ry? And why the hell are you so drunk?!"

"B-Brendon."

"I figured that much out. Did you mess up again?" - Gerard asked quietly.

"I guess I did.. He said he m-might be having feelings for s-some else, Gee." - Ryan whispered and closed his eyes. Gerard's lips parted from surprise.

"Wait,what? This can't be true, Ry. He loves you, he-he's obsessed with you."

"N-Not anymore." - Ryan shrugged.

"Damn. That's fucked up.. Do you know who-"

"Dallon." - Ryan laughed ironically.

"What?!" - Gerard couldn't stop himself from yelling. Couple of heads turned around to face him. 

"Yeah.. I don't know why I c-called you, there's nothin-ng you can do. Nothing I can d-do."

"Fuck,man.." - Red-head patted his friend's shoulder sympathetically. "What now?"

"Huh?"

"What are you going to do, Ry?"

"There's nothing I can do!" - Ryan snapped, his voice shaking. "F-Fuck, I just- I love him so much, you kn-now?"

"I know,Ry.. I know."

"I need to t-tell him." - Ryan suddenly jumped up from his place and took off from the pub, grabbing his jacket on his way. Gerard sat there for a moment, unable to move from surprise. He soon followed his friend out.

"Ryan, where are you going?!" - He yelled, trying to catch up with taller boy. It was starting to rain.

"I n-need to tell him I l-love him, he can't l-leave me." - Ryan was faster then a red-head could imagine. He jumped into his car and started the engine. 

"No, no, Ryan you're drunk, get out of the car!" - Gerard ran towards the car but Ryan was already driving off. 

"Ryan!!" - The red-head shouted. His hands flew up to his hair, gripping tightly as he looked around, trying to come up with any kind of an idea to stop his friend. He spotted a taxi cab on the other side of the street and quickly ran towards it.

"You need to follow that car. And please, hurry." - He practically yelled at the driver as he sat down. The driver jumped first from surprise, then nodded and started the car. 

"You in trouble,boy?" - The taxi-drive asked with a Russian accent.

"What? No. No, it's my friend, he's not in a state for driving. I need to stop him." - Gerard pulled out his phone and automatically dialed Brendon's number.

"Drunk driver? Oh, there's many of drunk drivers in here. Back in Russia you get arrested for shit like that." - The driver mumbled and shook his head. Gerard tried to block his voice away from his mind. 

"Gee?" - Brendon's sleepy voice answered.

"Bren! Oh my God, Brendon, I need your help!"

"W-What? What's goin-"

"Ryan. Fuck, how could I let this happen. We were in a pub, he was drunk as hell. He-He suddenly run to his car and took off, fuck, Bren.." - Red-head was hyperventilating, barely managing to form his words.

"Ryan is driving? He is drunk?!" - Brendon yelled from the other side of the line.

"Yes! Yes, shit.. I'm following him in a taxi, I can see his car and fuck, he's going too fast, Bren. I don't know what to do, this is my fault.."

"No, Gerard, listen to me. This is not your fault." - Brendon's voice cracked. "Where is he going?"

"He's coming to see you." - Gerard whispered, tears were gathering up in his eyes. 

Brendon stayed quiet at this.

"Can you go faster?!" - The boy snapped at the driver. 

"How fast, boy? Look at the traffic, so much cars! I am not a rocket, Mama daragaya!" 

"We need to fucking catch up with him!"

"I am trying, carrot-boy! This is fast!" - The driver shouted.

"Not fast enou-"

Sound of wheels screeching and loud crash cut him off. Driver pushed the brake pedal harshly and cursed. The scene straight out of the blockbuster movie was playing out in front of them. Black jeep smashed with all the force at the street lamp, nearly digging it out from the ground. The sirens of the cars parked around the street were going on, people around started to scream and run away from the place. Gerard flew out of the taxi cab, but his knees gave out the second he stepped out of the car. He felt the ground beneath slipping away from him as his knees hit the cold asphalt. He soon heard the sirens of an arriving ambulance and police cars. 

"Святые небеса.." - The driver mumbled something, with his eyes wide and shocked.

"No,no,no,no,no.." - Gerard was repeating, unable to tear his gaze off the smashed jeep. The one he helped Ryan to chose and buy. He realized he was still clutching his phone and Brendon was still on the other side of the line, yelling something at him.

"Gerard answer me!!" - He heard his friend's scream when he put the phone up to his ear. 

"B-Bren.."

"Thanks God! I thought you died or something, idiot! What's going on?! Where are you? Where is Ryan?!"

"Bren.. The c-car.." - He was feeling dizzy, unable to focus on his own words.

"The car? What car? Gerard, what happened?!"

"The s-street lamp.." - He continued to mumble. He saw the paramedics getting out of the ambulance and running to his friend's car.

"A lamp? Car? Was there an accid-" - Brendon's voice cut off. The torturing silence lasted for more that ten seconds. "Ryan?" - Brendon finally asked, quietly, his voice barely there.

Gerard couldn't answer. He could form any more words. 

Brendon screamed. Hysterically.. But Gerard could not hear anything at all. The phone fell down from his hand when he spotted the doctors worried looks and desperate yells,carrying stretchers from the ambulance.

"Sir? Sir, are you okay?!" - Somebody dressed in white was shouting at him. "Do you know this man?!"

"He's my f-friend. He's my friend.." - Gerard whispered.

"You need to come with us, sir..You need to follow me. Sir?! "

It did not take a long time for everything to get covered in dark.


	45. Truce

It is horrible when the life of someone you love is in danger and you have absolutely no information about their state and condition. When the doctors with worried faces run around, call each other and mumble some un-undestrandable,medical words. When they ignore your pathetic number of questions. You end up in come kind of an informative vacuum, no news, no information, nothing. You're jest left there to shake,sob and wait. Wait for hours, and then, maybe, one of the doctors will come up to you with a sad face and whisper "we've done everything we could." And your world breaks down. That's the worst to expect. 

That's what Brendon expected. 

His fingers were gripping on his hair. No tears were seen on his face. He couldn't manage to even fucking cry. He just sat there, trembling. Every minute lasted a century. Every God damn doctor looked like a messenger of death. It's been five hours. Five hours, and no information about Ryan. 

On the floor beneath them, paramedics had to sedate Gerard for some time, because of the waves of hysteria that washed over him. He felt guilty. Frank hasn't left his side since he arrived. He was clutching on red-head's hands and whispering quiet words for only him to hear and understand. Mikey was pacing outside of the ward, waiting for his broken brother to wake up.

Tyler was sitting on the cold floor, Josh's head resting on his shoulder. The boy finally fell asleep after hours of sobbing and bawling his eyes out. Tyler was gently stroking his lover's hair, while staring at the white door, waiting for somebody, anybody, to come out and tell them anything. 

Brendon read somewhere, that the walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than any church. He finally believed it. He prayed, and he's been a fucking atheist for his whole life. But today - he prayed. He prayed for his boy to be okay. This could not be the end. This was wrong and fucked up.. Ryan was coming for him, for him. For Brendon, who told him he was not sure about his feelings. But right now? Right now he was more than sure. He was ready to die just for Ryan to be okay and.. Alive. 

He soon realized that doctors stopped running around. Yells grew into..Whispers. Everything froze. Did this mean...?

"Hello?" - A young girl's voice snapped Brendon from his trance. She was wearing white clothes. Was she a doctor? - "Are you here for George Ross?"

"Ryan. His name is Ryan." - Tyler mumbled as he approached the girl. 

"Excuse me. Ryan." - The girl wrote down something on the paper and then looked up. "He's condition was critical when he arrived here. But we stopped the internal bleeding and did everything to stabilize his condition. All we have left is to wait. His life is in God's-"

"Shut the fuck up." - Brendon suddenly flew up to his feet and approached the nurse in a second,grabbing her white gown.

"I-I am sor-"

"No. Get the hell out of here. My boyfriend is dying and you're telling me his life is in God's hands? Where the fuck was your God when his car smashed into the street lamp?! Where the fuck was he?!" - He screamed.

Tyler pulled the boy away, pinning him to the wall. The scared nurse walked away quickly.

"Brendon, look at me!!" - Tyler yelled. - "She's jut a nurse! You need to calm down!"

"How the fuck am I supposed to calm down?!" - Brendon bawled, his face was red from the anger and pain. - "Ryan'a dying there and they-she... Fuck them, fuck their God!"

"Shh, I'm here, we're here." - Smaller boy hugged him, letting Brendon to bury his nose in his neck. Brendon sobbed and cried, finally, after hours, he was releasing the pain.

"If he d-dies.. Ty, if he dies I-I don't know-"

"He won't die. Do you hear me, Brendon? He won't leave you." - Tyler whispered, embracing his friend harder.

Tyler wanted to believe his own words. Wanted to know it was the truth. But he did not. Ryan could be dying, right there, behind that white,wooden door. And Brendon - he was dying too. Here, in his arms, Brendon was dying.

No. Ryan had to live. There was no other way. Ryan Ross had to fucking survive.

"Come here." - Tyler practically carried Brendon to the couch, sat down and let the boy rest his head on his lap. 

Brendon's tears were falling down on his jeans, but he couldn't care less. He felt his friend's breathing steading and calming.

"Now the night is coming to an end.." - Tyler hummed quietly, only for Brendon to hear. He felt Brendon's fingers squeezing his hand hardly. -"The s-sun will rise and we will t-try again.. St-tay alive, s-stay alive f-for m-me.." - His voice started to shake as his own tears fell down. His whole body was trembling.

"You will die, but now your life is free.. Take pride in what's sure.. to.. die.." - A familiar voice sang beside him and his favorite, strong hands locked around his waist. Josh kissed the boy's temple and whispered a quiet "it will be okay" to him. Tyler looked down to see Brendon finally falling asleep.

They had to wait. 

It was the only thing they had left.


	46. This is what you get

9 hours, 22 minutes and 38 second. This exact amount of time they have waited until another nurse walked up to them. 9 hours of endless shaking and pain. Nobody cried anymore, nobody had any tears left. Especially Brendon. He was numb. Empty. 

Dark-haired nurse slowly approached the boys,holding pieces of papers in her arms. Josh flew up to his feet when he saw the woman.

"Please, say something." - He said with his voice cracking. 

"You are here for Mr. Ross, am I right?"

"Yes, yes we are." - Tyler nodded quickly.

"Well.. I have some news for you." - She breathed in and stayed quiet for a second. The longest second in their lives. - "We've managed to stabilize your friend's condition. There is no further danger for his life, if we don't count sudden worsening, such as stroke or his lungs shutting off completely. Unfortunately, we had to put him into the medically induced coma, because of the head injury. We had to protect his brain from swelling. The coma will reduce the metabolic rate of brain tissue, as well as the cerebral blood flow. Intracranial pressure will lower,which will help us to avoid any further damages." - She mumbled in a monotone voice. 

Tyler was listening to her, nodding along with a serious face, while Josh stared quietly, not understanding even a word this woman was saying. As for Brendon.. He hadn't heard anything since he realized that Ryan was alive. His knees got weak from the relief and he would crash down on the floor if Josh hadn't noticed and caught him in time.

"Oh my, are you okay?!" - The nurse run up to him, grabbing the boy's arms.

"He's okay, he's okay now" - Josh answered for Brendon.

"How long will he be in coma?" - Tyler asked quietly.

"We don't know that yet. It depends.."

"Can we see him?"

"Not technically,but.. I'll make an exception. But only for one of you."

"Him." - Josh looked at Brendon instantly, who still looked zoned out. 

"Please, follow me." - The woman nodded and leaded the way.

"I-I c-can't-" - Brendon stuttered, but Tyler literally pushed him to follow the nurse.

__

 

Tubes. IV-s. Oxygen mask. Bandages. 

Brendon felt sick. He gasped as his knees were getting weak once again and he landed on a chair beside the bed.

"Oh, oh f-fuck.." - He mouthed. His shaking hands touched Ryan's wrist that was bandages all the way up to his shoulder. Brendon was not ready to see this. He was not ready to see his boy so destroyed, broken and fragile. The loud beeping behind his back was Ryan's heartbeat. The one he used to listen to in the mornings and fall asleep by. The one that contained his whole life. 

"B-baby, fuck.." - The boy whispered as tears rolled down his cheeks. He interlaced his trembling fingers with Ryan's slender ones. He was cold, so cold. Frozen,even. 

"H-He's freezing. You need to.. He has to be w-warm, he hates c-cold.." - Brendon rambled hysterically, while adjusting his boyfriend's blanket.

"The blood flow in his body has slowed down, that's why his hands are cold. He is okay." - The nurse said. - "I'll wait outside. You have ten minutes before doctors find out I've let the visitors in." - She said and walked out, shutting the door behind her.

Brendon stared down at his lover, unable to say anything. He just.. Stared. Ryan's face was practically covered with a huge oxygen mask that made him look even smaller and thinner than he already was. The boy had a huge wound just above his eyebrow. His eyes were closed and even though he was technically half-alive half-dead, he still looked peaceful. Brendon gently stroked the hair from the boy's face, scared to cause any more damage from his touch. He did not even try to stop the flow of tears sliding down his face. 

This was his Ryan. His beautiful, amazing, kind, cute, funny and magical Ryan. He nearly lost him. In a second. What would he do without his boy? What would Brendon do? He would have to carry this weigh for his whole life. He would always remember the last conversation with him, how he told Ryan he was not sure about his feelings. He would never forgive himself. Brendon would definitely die too. He wouldn't be able to live through this.

"I love you." - The boy whispered, gently kissing Ryan's knuckles. 

"I love you more than anything. I can't live without you. I won't.. You need to be strong. For me.. Don't you leave me, Ry." - He sobbed quietly, clutching on his boy's arms. "You have to wake up and be okay. We will go home,me and you. We will sit down on our bed and listen to Ok Computer. We will sing Karma Police together.. Remember that? How beautifully your voice synchronized with mine?" - Brendon chuckled from the memories washing over him.

_Ryan closed eyes and leaned his head back, letting the cigarette smoke out from his parted lips._

_"I'm afraid that I...  
I'm afraid that I..." - He sang, his calm,quiet, soothing voice filling up the whole room._

_"Well I'm afraid that I lost myself.. Lost myself." - Brendon finished, staring at his beautiful boyfriend. Smile stretched on his face. He was so God damn lucky to have Ryan._

 

"Don't you fucking leave me."


	47. I'm standing in front of you

_"Open your eyes. Follow my voice. I love you, I need you. Find me in the darkness. Let me be your light, let me cure you. Take my hand. Wake up."_

_Ouch._

_Why can't I move? What is this heavy darkness falling down on my shoulders? Why can't I lift my eyelids? I hear this voice, asking me to follow it. Who are you? I can't find you, I can't reach you. Please, help me. Help me to crawl out of this state. I hate it. I am alone. There is no one around. I can't breath, but I feel my lungs working and it scares me. I am scared, I am horrified. Why does everything hurt? I feel the blood flowing inside of my body, but I can't feel my body. I feel the pain, terrible, unbearable pain. I am going crazy. Am I going crazy? Please, help me. I try to follow your voice, but I can't catch up with it.. The air is slipping through my fingers, I am slipping away._

_Please,talk to me. I don't know who you are, but I need you._

__

 

"Bren?" - Mikey called quietly and leaned on the doorframe. Brendon lifted his head and turned around to face him.

"Hey, Mikey." - His voice was hoarse, From crying, from nerves, from tiredness, from everything.

"Anything new?" - The blonde boy walked in and sat down beside his friend. Brendon shook his head.

"Nothing. They don't know when.. If he-"

"He will wake up, Brendon." - Mikey cut him off. 

"Yeah. Yeah, he will." - Brendon ran a hand through his messy hair and sighed. "How-How's Gerard?"

"Better. He needs some time to rehabilitate, but he will be okay. He blames himself."

"It's not his fault, Mikey." - Brendon whispered. "Ryan is too stubborn, Gee wouldn't be able to stop him."

"Yeah." - Mikey nodded. 

They sat in complete silence for the next twenty minutes, before Mikey got up from his seat.

"There's someone who wants to see you. But we understand if you don't want to-"

"No. It's fine. I want to." - Brendon knew exactly who Mikey was talking about. The taller boy nodded and walked out of the room.

Brendon put his head down on Ryan's hand and let out a shaky breath.

"If you don't wake up.. I'll kill myself, Ryan. You know I will." - He whispered and closed his eyes. Soon he felt himself drifting away into the sleep, and was just about to completely pass out when somebody cleared their throat in front of him. Brendon slowly opened his eyes and looked up.

Brown,silky hair falling down and covering ocean-blue eyes. Lanky,tall silhouette and shaking hands. 

"Hi.." - Brendon mouthed. 

Dallon did not answer. He just stood there and stared at how broken Brendon was. The smaller boy felt another wave of sobs washing over him. He covered his face with his trembling  
hands and whimpered. That's when Dallon finally made a move and approached the boy he loved in a second. His longs arms locked around Brendon's thin frame, as the boy continued to shake from sobs.

"Th-This is my fault.. H-How could I d-do this to him.." 

Dallon held him closer to his chest. He rested his cheek on the top of Brendon's head and felt himself tearing up.

"It's not your fault." - He whispered. "It's nobody's fault."

"I'm s-so s-sorry for ev-verything, Dal." - Brendon sobbed. "I r-ruin everything around m-me. If Ryan d-dies.. If he d-dies I-"

"No,no. You don't ruin anything. He won't die. He won't leave you, Bren. He can't." - Brendon's fingers clutched on his back. Dallon felt his neck getting wet from boy's tears. 

His heart ached. He couldn't stand it. Ryan had to survive. There was no other way. Ryan could not die and take Brendon with him.

Ryan Ross had to live.


	48. The sun will rise

"Bren.." - Dallon softly nudged the boy's shoulder, who fell asleep on the chair beside him, head resting on his boyfriend's hospital bed. - "Hey, buddy.."

"Hmm.." - Brendon responded. 

"You've been sitting here for five hours, Bren. Come on, let's get something to eat."

"No." - The boy straightened up. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. Messy hair was falling down on his face. Dallon gently stroked the strands of his black hair away from the boy's face and sighed.

"You have to eat something. You want to be alive when Ryan wakes up, don't you?"

"M'not hungry." - The smaller boy whispered.

"Look. I'm gonna go and get some chocolate cupcakes from cafeteria. And you're gonna eat them, understand?" 

Brendon stayed quiet. Dallon sighed and stood up from his seat.

"Is he okay?" - Tyler asked him when Dallon walked out of the ward. He silently shook his head. 

"He's a mess." 

"Understandable." - Tyler said quietly, looking back at Josh who was sitting on the couch in the hall, sipping his coffee.

"I'm gonna get something to eat for him. I don't want him to pass out from the hunger." - Dallon mumbled.

"Okay. Good idea." - Tyler nodded. He approached his boyfriend when Dallon left and sat down beside him. 

"Hey." - Josh smiled and wrapped an arms around Tyler's shoulders. 

"Hi."

"I know you hate this question,but.." - Josh leaned forward, whispering. "Have you taken your meds, Ty?"

Shivers ran down Tyler's spine. Josh was right, he hated this question. He never forgets to take them, he promised Josh. 

"Yes, J. I have." - He mumbled quietly.

"Good.." - Josh places a kiss on the boy's temple. - "Love you."

__

 

Three hours passed. No matter how hardly Dallon tried, he couldn't get Brendon to eat or drink anything. So when the nurse walked up to them, he really hoped she would deliver some good news. Otherwise, Brendon wouldn't make it to another day.

"Hello. I have some information about Mr. Ross's condition." - She cleared her throat. "The cranial pressure has been stabilized. That means there's no further need for the come to be medically induced.."

"So, he's waking up?!" - Tyler cut her monotone mumbling off. 

"Yes." - The nurse smiled. "He is. Anytime in the next few hours."

Relief washed over Tyler's body as he crashed down on the couch and laughed quietly. 

"We need to tell Brendon." - Josh said. 

The boy got up from the couch and practically run to his friend's ward. He saw Dallon silently staring at Brendon in front of him, who was holding Ryan's hand,tears streaming down his face quietly.

"He's waking up!" - Josh exclaimed as he walked. Brendon's eyes flew up to him in a second, going wide from the shock.

"W-What?!"

"We spoke with the nurse. He's okay, Bren. He's waking up.." - Pink-haired boy laughed. A small, barely visible smile appeared on Brendon's lips as he faced Dallon. The taller boy smiled at him and mouthed "told ya."

"Oh-h God." - Brendon managed to whisper. He neared Ryan's fingers to his lips. - "You're gonna be okay. You're going to come back to me." - He whispered and kissed the knuckles of his boyfriend.

__

 

_These whispers are making me crazy. Telling me to wake up, to come back. How am I supposed to come back when I don't know where I am?! I want to see the light. Why the hell can't I see the light? And what the fuck is beeping near my ear?_

_Wait. What if I just open my eyes? It's easy, right? Just lift my eyelids and.._

_Fuck. Fuck, too much light. My eyes hurt, damn it._

**"Mmh - O'uch."**


	49. Spirits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to say I posted this fic on wattpad. check it out, (it's cute because I can add some gifs into the chapters ;)

Brendon literally flew up from the chair and dropped on his knees beside Ryan's bed, when he saw his boyfriend's eyelids moving slightly. He interlaced his fingers with Ryan's slender ones and tried to steady his own breathing,fighting hard not to start hyperventilating. Ryan's lashes slowly disconnected. His eyes were unfocused, slowly darting from one spot to another. They finally stopped on the black-haired boy's face. 

"H-hey, baby." - Brendon smiled, even though he felt tears gathering up in his eyes. In a second, confusion and concern appeared in Ryan's eyes. He tried to move, but a sharp pain in his muscles stopped him. His brows furrowed and he whined quietly from the pain. 

"No,no you can't sit up yet, Ry." - Brendon whispered. "Fuck, you're okay. You're okay, I was so worried I thought I lost you.."

"Mmh..O'uch" - Ryan whispered shakily. The huge oxygen mask was located on his face, He had a hard time lifting his eyelids, he has already realized it would be impossible for him to sit up.

"It's okay.. You were in an accident. We're in the hospital, but you're okay. Everything's okay.." - It was unclear wether Brendon tried to convince Ryan or himself. His heart ached from the sight of his boyfriend, so broken,small and fragile.

"Ge't it of'f m-m'e." - Ryan lifted his trembling hand and tried to get rid of the mask, but Brendon quickly grabbed his wrist. 

"It's helping you to breath, Ry. You need it." - He placed a soft kiss on the boy's knuckles and sighed. "I need to call the nurse, baby. I'll be back in a second."

Ryan saw Brendon getting up and leaving through his unfocused, blurred vision. Everything hurt, especially his head. And he was literally clutching on his consciousness, preventing it from slipping away. 

When Brendon rushed back with a blonde nurse by his side, he saw his boyfriend's eyelids were closed once again. He felt a wave of panic rising inside of him, but the nurse patted his shoulder sympathetically and smiled.

"He is okay. The energy is sucked out from his body, it's really hard for him to stay awake right now. It will get better, I assure you. He just needs some time to rehabilitate.." 

The boy nodded as the nurse talked along, but he barely heard anything. The only thought in his head was repeating itself, again and again and again.

Ryan is okay. He is awake. His boy is okay.

__

"There is no visible damage on his brain, as you can see, but.." - The doctor was showing Ryan's X-ray to the boys. "The most of the injury is located on the temporal parts of his brain. The temporal lobes control memory. Unfortunately, we can't say for sure wether his memory was affected or not,so.."

"What do you mean?!" - Tyler asked confused.

"He may or may not remember some details of his life. Moments, places, people.."

"He may not remember us?" 

"We don't know that yet. I am really sorry." - The doctor said before walking away.

"Oh my.. I need to sit down." - Tyler stumbled to the chair and crashed down, hands covering his face. 

"What if he doesn't remember Brendon?" - Josh whispered, his voice full of concern.

"I-I don't know. Shit, it will destroy him, Josh." - Tyler sighed. "It will fucking destroy him."

__

Brendon hasn't left Ryan's side since he woke up. It's been two hours and Ryan was still asleep. The soothing beeping of the heart monitor was calming Brendon for some reason. It meant Ryan's heart was beating. It meant he was okay. He was snapped out of his thoughts by a small whimper. Brendon looked down at his boyfriend and was met with sad, teary eyes.

"Hi, baby." - The boy smiled, trying to hide his emotions and swallow back the sobs. A single tear rolled down Ryan's cheek.

"I know, I know it hurts, Ry.." - Brendon whispered and wiped thee tear with his thumb gently. "It will be over soon. We'll go home, and we will be okay. I promise you.."

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut and sniffled quietly. 

"I know you hate that oxygen mask, but you need to be strong for me, okay?" - The black-haired boy stroke the hair away from Ryan's face. 

Brendon heard a soft knock behind his back and turned around.

"Hey." - Tyler was leaning on the doorframe, holding two cups of coffee. "I got you some coffee."

"Hey, Ty. Thanks, come in." - Brendon smiled. The smaller boy approached him and handed one of the cups. He looked down at Ryan and smiled.

"Hey, Ry-Ry. How are you feeling?" 

"He's too weak to talk." - Brendon said. "He needs some time to gain-"

"I't h'rts." - Ryan whispered suddenly and Brendon's eyes went wide.

"Hey you-you're speaking. Baby, fuck I'm so proud of you." - His lips stretched in a huge grin. Tyler swallowed hardly, scared that Ryan would say he doesn't remember them. But Ryan's eyes were glued on Brendon's smile.

"You're doing so good, baby boy." - Brendon was mumbling. "We'll go home soon. Doctors said you need to rehabilitate but then.. Then I'm taking you home. With me. And never letting out of my sight."

Ryan's tearful eyes were still swirling holes on his boyfriend's face. Tyler felt anxiety rising up in his chest. 

Please, please remember him. Don't remember me or anyone else.. But remember Brendon, remember your boy..

The broken boy inhaled shakily, like he was getting ready to say something. It costed him lots of energy to even whisper something. 

Please remember him, please remember him, please remember-

"I lo've y'u."

A smile flashed over Tyler's lips as the relief washed over his shaking body. 

Of course he remembered. Nothing could erase his boy from Ryan's mind. 


	50. Sound of your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to post this fic on wattpad and found out that someone is already publishing it. Chapter by chapter, and without giving me any kind of a credit. Their username is ZoeeBlurryFace. This is really sad and disappointing.. :(

"You're doing really good,baby boy." - Brendon placed a soft kiss on the top of his boyfriend's messy hair. It was the first time since the accident that Ryan sat up and the other boy was feeling really proud of his boyfriend. Ryan was still weak to talk a lot, or even hold anything in his shaking hands, but Brendon helped him with literally everything. He was holding a plate of food for him, handing cups of water, adjusting pillows, counting pills.. Bruises on the boy's faces have almost faded away, but a huge scar above his brow was forming. In fact, Brendon had to admit, it even suited Ryan. 

"Tyler brought some of your favorite comics. We can read them afterwards, if you want." 

"Okay." - Ryan tried really hard to smile at his lover. They've been really good at pretending that their conversation the day before the accident did not happened. But Brendon knew, eventually, Ryan would bring it up. There was no other way. 

"Bren?" - A quiet voice called the boy. Ryan looked up at the person who walked into the ward. His expression changed. His brows knitted together and eyes filled up with.. Anger? Brendon stared for a second before turning his head around. Ocean-blue eyes met his chocolate-brown ones.

"Dal.. Hey,man. Come in." - Brendon felt Ryan's weak grip on his fingers becoming stronger. 

Dallon stared at the couple, then spoke up:

"No, it's okay. Just wanted to check if you guys needed anything. I-I'll head out." 

"No Dal, wait-" - Brendon tried to stop the other boy, but felt that Ryan's hand moved away from him. He looked down and was met with distressed, sad eyes. Guilt build up in his chest.

"Hey, Ry, no don't be sad, baby.." - He touched the boy's neck, but Ryan flinched away from his touch. Brendon sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. 

"Look.. I-I have to tell you.. What happened that night.. Damn, it was a mistake. There is nothing I feel toward Dallon or anyone else." - After these words, Ryan finally looked up at him. 

"I love you, Ryan Ross. You're my thunderstorm, my fucking hurricane. You've changed my whole existence and there's no chance I will ever stop loving you. You are my love, my soulmate. And I'm sorry, fuck, I am so sorry for everything. It is my fault that you're here, that you're hurt.."

"Shut-t up." - Ryan muttered. He lifted his shaking hand and placed it on Brendon's cheek. "B-Bren..I was af-fraid that I would-d wake up and find-d out you l-left me.." - He whispered quietly. Brendon's heart broke once again.

"No,no, how could I?" - He places his hand over Ryan's trembling one. "You're my beautiful boy."

Curly boy smiled shyly and looked down.

"Than-nks."

"I gotta admit, even though doctors said your neurogenic stutter might be temporary, I'm starting to fall in love with it." - Brendon smiled. He knew how insecure Ryan felt of statter he got because of the head injury, and he was being honest. It made Ryan sound like a small,cute child.

"Idiot-t." - Ryan mumbled, but couldn't stop a smile appearing on his face.

__

"Dallon?" - Frank's confused voice snapped the boy out of the trance. He's been standing outside of Ryan's ward for almost 15 minuted, overhearing everything the couple spoke about. 

"Oh, Frank. Hey, hi. I-I wasn't listening to them I just.."

"It's okay, Dallon." - Smaller boy smiled up at him. Frank was unbelievably short compared to Dallon and had to literally look up at the boy. "I get it and it is not my place to judge."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks, I guess." - Both of them sat down on the couch in the hall. 

"You are not leaving his side for a minute, are you?" - Frank asked suddenly. 

Dallon shook his head.

"He doesn't need me here, I know but.. I just can't stay away from him after I saw how broken he was.." - He whispered and covered his face with hands. Frank sympathetically patted his shoulder.

"I have never seen anything like your love to this boy, Dallon. I hope you never let that feeling go." 

"Never. I will never.. And I'm so fucking glad that he is happy. He would be destroyed without Ryan. I thank God every minute that he let him survive."

"You are a good man, Dallon Weekes. You deserve happiness.." - Frank smiled at the boy. 

Dallon shook his head and let out a broken laugh.

"This sounds cheesy as hell, but my happiness is behind that door, talking to his own happiness. And as long as he is happy, I am okay."


	51. And I usually don't fall when I try to stand.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to my little fortyhead Breadbin, I can't believe he's already thirty. <3
> 
> And, I have to say this: Do you imagine running into your ex at some halloween party, while you're wearing a stupid gremlin costume and he's being a fucking sexy spooky skeleton with his beautiful wife?   
> I know it's been two years.  
> But just imagine.
> 
> Poor Ryro

_(Time jump: Three weeks after the accident)_

Brendon was sitting on the couch in their living room, boringly tapping on his phone and yawning once in a while. It's been three days since Ryan got released from the hospital and most of their evenings consisted of doing nothing and resting, because it was still hard for the boy to adjust ad get his normal life back. He still had difficulties with a sleeping schedule, walking. His headaches were insane and the pills he was given were barely working. But still - he was glad to be home. And while Brendon was scrolling through his Instagram feed for the tenth time, Ryan was lying on the couch beside him, his head resting on the other boy's lap. Brendon ran his fingers through Ryan's curly,messy hair.

"Where are T-Tyler and Josh-sh?" - Ryan asked quietly. 

"They went out, Ry. I've already told you two times." - Brendon sighed. As the doctors said, Ryan's head injury affected his temporal globes. But it did not affect his memories. It was just difficult for him to remember new things. But, it would get better, eventually. It had to.

"Oh. S-Sorry." - Ryan mumbled. 

"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to apologize." - Brendon lifted his boyfriend's chin with his finger and locked lips with Ryan's chapped ones. Ryan carefully slid his tongue deeper and Brendon let out a quiet moan before pulling away.

"No-no, you know what doctors said. No "filthy business" until your head gets better."

"S-Sucks." - Ryan smiled.

The doorbell rang and snapped both of them out of their love-bubble. Brendon got up from the couch and appeared near the door in a second.

"..And that lady told us it was on a sale, Tyler, we had to get it. Oh, hey, Bren!" - Josh walked into the house past Brendon and kicked off his shoes, while holding a huge bag of groceries. 

"It was on a sale, because it's date expires tomorrow, Josh. I swear to God if you don't eat that stupid cake today, I will shove it up your.."

"Woah woah there." - Brendon chuckled and shut Tyler up. "Wha the hell is going on?"

"Josh decided to buy a huge,stupid cherry cake only because it was on a sale." - Tyler rolls his eyes.

"But it's delicious!" - Josh whined. 

"You've never tried it!"

"Okay,okay you two. We're up of a cake, right Ry?" - Ryan hummed from the living room in response. "Fuck off to the kitchen and bring your cake. I'm gonna help you with your bags."

Josh handed him a pair of bags while taking off his jacket.

"Ry, come to kitchen!" - Brendon yelled and made his way to the kitchen table, putting down the groceries. He did not get any kind of a response from his boyfriend, and concern filled up his body. 

"Ry?" - The black-haired boy quickly walked back into the living room and spotted his boyfriend standing near the couch. Ryan's hands were clasped around his head,eyes squeezed shut.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" - Brendon run to him, gently putting his arm around the boy's shoulders. Suddenly, Ryan's legs gave out and both of them went down, hitting floor with their knees.

"Ryan?!" - Brendon screamed. He cupped his boyfriend's face. Ryan's eyes were shut, lips slightly parted as he leaned on Brendon's chest. 

"Hey, look at me. Ry, open your eyes, damn it!" - The worried boy shook him a little. Ryan's eyelids disconnected, but his eyes were unfocused and empty.

"It's okay, you're okay. Josh!"

"Yes?" - Josh peeked into the room and his eyes instantly went wide at the sight of his friends on the floor. "Oh my God, what happened?!"

"Nothing, he's okay. Can you bring some water?" - Brendon looked down at his boyfriend when Josh disappeared into the hallway. 

"Hey, don't be scared, it's okay. You just got tired, doctors warned us about something like this. I've got you." - He placed a soft kiss on Ryan's forehead. The boy hummed in response and rested his head on Brendon's shoulder.

"Here." - Josh came back with a glass of water. "Is he going to be okay?" 

"Yes. It's-It's nothing. He's still weak,but he is okay. Right, baby?"

"I'm-m fine." - Ryan whispered and gave a broken smile to his friends. Josh smiled back and breathed out with a relief. 

"Come on, let's get you into the bed." - Brendon gripped the boy's arm and pulled him up. "You need to lay down for a bit.."

Josh's eyes locked for a second with Brendon's worried ones. The boy was trying to be strong for Ryan, cheer him up and literally hold him when he needed. But it was hard for him too. So fucking hard and Josh could see it in his tired eyes. His energy has drained off from him. The pink-haired sighed and shook his head,before turning on his heel and going back to kitchen, where Tyler was sorting their groceries.

"Cookie?" - Tyler asked quietly.

"Sure." - Josh neared him and took a cookie out from Ty's hand. 

" 'T's yummy." - Tyler mumbled with his mouth full.

Josh smiled at this and placed a kiss on his boyfriend's cheek.

"I love you, idiot."


	52. Drunk in love

"I feel like he's slipping away from me." - Brendon sighed and rubbed his face with palms. "It's like.. He's here, with me. And then, at any second he might just disappear. He's too weak, to fragile and I-I don't know what to do.."

The other boy was sitting in front of him, long fingers hugging the mug of freshly prepared dark coffee. He watched as Brendon rambled about being scared of losing Ryan. He stared as the boy's long eyelashes curved and gently touched his cheeks as Brendon blinked. He stared at slightly chapped lips from too much biting. He stared at chocolate-brown eyes where the parts of the boy's soul were hidden. He stared at the way he was waving his slender fingers and running them through his beautiful black hair.

"You're my best friend." - Brendon continued. "I don't think anyone will understand me better than you do. Josh he.. He has his own demons to deal with. Tyler's demons.."

"I understand. I'm glad you're sharing your thoughts with me."

"It's just.. Fuck, yesterday, when Ryan collapsed, I.. I swear, for a moment, I thought he was gone and God, I got so scared.. And every time I see anxiety appearing in his eyes because of his stutter, I want to kill myself. This is my fault.."

"Brendon, this is not your fault. It was an accident, Ryan was drunk.."

"Because of me! Because of what I said, Dal!" - Brendon snapped.

"Why-What did you say?"

"Nothing, It's not important." - Brendon swallowed hardly. "Thing is.. It is my fault,okay? And I have to fix it."

Dallon did not respond at this. He just stared at Brendon, who leaned back on the couch,closed his eyes and sighed. 

Obviously, Ryan was not the only one who needed to be fixed. 

__

 

"Hey, buddies!" - Gerard stood up from his chair to greet his friends who just walked into the bar. Frank and Mikey were sitting next to him, grinning.

"Hi Gee." - Josh and Tyler hugged their friends. 

Hi, Frankie." - Josh waved at tattooed boy and his boyfriend's blonde brother.

"Hello there."

The boys sat down around the table and the waitress appeared near them in a second. 

"We'd like to add some more Tequila." - Gerard announced.

"And some beer for me." - Pink-haired boy smiled. 

"Ty?"

"No. I don't drink, because of the pills. But I'll have some Red bull. Thanks." - The waitress nodded and disappeared around the bar.

"So.." - Gerard leaned forward, so that his friends could hear his voice over the loud music. "Where's Brendon?"

"Home. With Ryan. Dallon said he'll join us later." 

"How's Ry?" - Mikey asked.

"Well.. Not good, to be honest. And Brendon's losing his shit.."

"That boy will be the end of him, I swear.." - Gerard shook his head. "Anyways, you know why I asked you to come,right?"

"Nope." - Tyler smiled.

"Me and Frankie have a special day. 3 months of being together." - The red-head wrapped his arm around his boyfriend's shoulder, as the latter blushed and giggled.

"Oh my God! Congrats, man!" - Josh yelled. "This is amazing!" 

"Good job, Gee." - Tyler laughed along his boyfriend. 

"So yeah, let's celebrate!" - Gerard announced and grabbed his drink. "Cheers!"

__

 

"You can go to the bar,Dal." - Brendon mumbled. "I'll be okay, I promise.

"I can't leave you alone like this, you know it."

"I won't be alone." - The smaller boy looked back at the door of his bedroom,behind which, on the bed, his Ryan was deep asleep. They were standing in the hallway, talking quietly not to wake the boy up.

"You're struggling." - Dallon whispered. 

"This is my fault. Have you seen him, Dal? He-He's destroyed. He can barely function without me. He needs me and I.. I love him. Fuck, I love him so much." - Brendon's voice cracked as bitter tears gathered up in his eyes. In a second,taller boy wrapped his arms around the boy's thin frame.

"You'll be okay. Both of you. You'll see." - Dallon smiled as he inhaled his favorite vanilla smell. 

"I c-can't lose him." - Brendon sobbed quietly. "I n-need to fix him."

"You will. You will, Bren..Your love will find a way." - Blue-eyed boy whispered. After a moment, Brendon pulled away and sniffled, wiping his tears away.

"You've just quoted Lion King, man. And I became a fucking drama queen. Great." - He chuckled and shook his head.

"Nope, you're good." - Dallon ruffled his hair and grinned. "Take care, Bren.."

"Thank you, Dal. I appreciate it, really. I am happy to have such a good friend." - Brendon smiled at him. Dallon stared for a moment, then turned around on his heel and walked towards the front door. He opened it and walked out. When he was finally out of the apartment, the boy sighed loudly and shook his head. 

God, he was so screwed.

Meanwhile, Brendon walked into his bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind him. He approached the bed, kicked off Converses and crawled under the blankets beside Ryan. His thin arms locked around Ryan's bare chest and his nose got buried deep in the crook of the curly boy's neck.

"I love you." - Brendon whispered. "My lonely moonlight. I love you so much, baby boy. Everything will be okay. I promise you. We'll be okay.."

His boy hummed quietly in his sleep and moved closer to him. Brendon could feel the boy's heartbeat and that was enough. 

Ryan's heartbeat was fucking enough for him to be okay.


	53. Good morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I missed writing the Dun-Joseph-Urie-Ross domestic stuff and fluff. So here you go. yay

His mind finally drifted away into the sleep. He felt the bed moving. Then he heard some shuffling in the room. Someone walking around on the tip toes, trying really hard not to wake him up. Suddenly, something shattered. Then someone cursed. Everything was happening too fast.

Josh's mind was still in blur. Until..

"J-Josh?" - The quiet,small voice asked. Joshua unglued his eyelashes and hummed.

"I am so sorry for waking you up, but I-I think I need your help."

These words forced him to bolt up in the bed and look at the boy in from of him with wide eyes. Tyler's hands were shaking as he hold pieces of something.. Broken.

"Ty, what happened?!" - Josh flew up to his feet and grabbed the boy's wrists. Tyler's fingers were covered with crimson blood. Josh got a horrible flashbacks of Ty's suicide attempt that night, 2 years ago..

"I-I broke the mirror, it was an accident I swear.." - Tyler rambled as his body shook in Josh's arms.

"It's okay. Come on,let's get you cleaned up." - Josh carefully took the sharp pieces away from Tyler's grip and leaded him into the bathroom. He opened the counter to get the first kid meanwhile Tyler sat down on the edge of bathtub.

"Let me see your cuts." - Tyler reached out his palms. Cuts were not deep, but they obviously hurt as hell. "Here, let's wrap them up, okay baby?"

Tyler nodded. Josh carefully bandaged his boyfriend's hands,while whispering soothing words to him.

"All done." - He said when Ty's cuts were all covered with bandages. He sat down beside Tyler and sighed. "How did this happen?"

"I-I don't know. It was an accident, I swear-"

"Ty, are you taking your pills?" - Josh asked quietly. 

"I am.." - The smaller boy nodded. 

"Okay.. Okay, let's go to bed,alright?"

"Alright, J.." - Josh wrapped his arm around Tyler's shoulders and pulled him up, practically carrying him to their bed. Tyler crawled under the blankets and Josh laid down beside him, hugging the thinner boy.

"Good night, Ty-Ty."

"Good night, Jishwa.." - Tyler whispered back. Only, after a moment, he hummed quietly - "Don't be afraid. We're going home.."

"Huh?" - Josh lifted his head to look down at his boyfriend, but Tyler's eyes were shut close as deep breaths left his lungs. Josh stared for a moment before holding the boy closer to his chest and sighing. Something was wrong. 

Something was definitely wrong.

__

When the morning starts with the smell of something burnt it can only mean one thing - Urie's cooking. Josh groaned the second he smelled the smoke. 

"What the fuck?!" - He yelled with his voice still raspy from sleep.

"Pancakes!" - Brendon yelled back from the kitchen. Right. Burnt, black pancakes. Brendon's special treat.

"Well, at-t least they were p-planned to be pancak-kes." - Ryan mumbled.

"Shut up, you have to cheer me up!" - Brendon frowned. His boyfriend smiled at this and wrapped his thin arm around the smaller boy's neck.

"You know I l-love you. Even though you s-suck at almost e-everything."

"Well, I've got a good dick." - Brendon pointed out, with his face dead serious.

"Yeah, you're r-right." - Ryan laughed and shook his head.

Josh rolled his eyes at the dialogue and turned his head to the side to face Tyler. The boy was staring up at the ceiling.

"Ty?"

Tyler blinked several times before his eyes left the cold wall and glued on Josh's face.

"Good morning."

"Hey, Ty-Ty. You hungry?"

"Yes, but I would never risk to eat Brendon's burnt shit." 

"Of course no. We'll prepare something quietly. Without him noticing." - Josh whispered and smiled. Tyler smiled back, his dimples appearing on the cheeks and Josh melted. 

Fuck, his boy was beautiful.

"GET UP, DUNS! BREAKFAST'S READY!" - Brendon screamed.

"Why Duns tho? Why not Josephs?" - Tyler frowned as he put his sweatpants on and walked into the kitchen. He decided against wearing any t-shirt and Josh was happy with his decision.

"Because it sounds better." - Brendon shrugged. "And we all know Josh tops."

"Actually-" - Tyler's words were interrupted as Josh walked into the room and approached Tyler, who was sitting on the chair beside the table. He kissed the boy's messy hair before looking up at Brendon.

"Bren, we're not eating that." - Joshua's nose scrunched from disgust as he pointed towards the burnt pancakes.

"Of course you are." - The black-haired boy smiled cruelly. 

"We could order pizza?"

"You eat that mother fucking pancakes or I swear to God you'll never touch my X-box ever again." - Brendon growled.

"That's not fair." - Josh mumbled and flopped down on the chair next to Tyler. The latter poked a "pancake" with his fork and examined it.

"It's uncooked from the inside." - Tyler pointed out quietly.

"Guys, eat. I can't-t take any of his whin-ning anymore." - Ryan pleaded. 

"Thank you, baby. Here, I got you some milk today." 

The flashbacks of their huge sexual experiment flashed in Ryan's mind as he choked on the tea he was sipping. Brendon patted his back sympathetically while Ryan nearly coughed his guts out.

"I love you too,Ry."


	54. You're just like an angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This makes me happy.

"If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?"

"If Stu ch-chews shoes, should S-Stu choose the shoes he ch-chews?" - Ryan repeated the sentence, his brows knitted together.

"Hey, good job, baby! You're doing so good! Two days ago you couldn't say a word of that twister without stuttering." - Brendon exclaimed. 

"Yeah,right." - Ryan sighed. 

They were sitting on the couch, Brendon held the iPad and was dictating tongue twisters to Ryan to repeat. He really was doing better. If he was really concentrated on his speech, he barely stuttered and he was getting good at remembering things too. Brendon felt proud. And relieved, to be honest.

"Look, why don't we try another one? Like this: Seventy seven benevolent elephants."

"No way." - Ryan laughed and shook his head. 

"Okay." - Brendon grinned and put his iPad away. "You know.. I've got something planned for you tonight."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Tomorrow's your birthday, Ry. I thought, maybe we could tell guys to come over tonight and celebrate."

"That s-sounds nice." - Ryan smiled. He was smiling a lot these days. Actually, Brendon was making him smile a lot. 

"I'll call everyone." - Brendon placed a small kiss on his boyfriends cheek and smiled.

__

"Frankie, I told you there was no necessity to bring wine, Brendon always has tons of alcohol at his parties." - Gerard mumbled as they approached the apartment door.

"You know Brendon and Ryan love this wine, sweetheart. It's a present." 

They knocked on the door and after a minute it opened. The loud music filled up the whole block as shirtless Josh appeared in the doorframe, holding a Solo cup in his hands. 

"Heeey!" - He yelled. "Come in!" 

Josh disappeared in the hallway as two boys stepped in. The house was.. Mess. Red Solo cups laying everywhere, disappointing pop music screaming from the speakers, balloons and even fucking confetti.

"I'm having a huge flashback of high-school parties." - Gerard mumbled.

"This is a Urie-style beautiful party!" - Brendon yelled somewhere behind their backs. Gerard turned around to see his friend with huge,stupid party sunglasses and red, glittery boxers.

"What the-"

"We're celebrating! Ry's getting old tomorrow!" - Brendon exclaimed. He was holding the small joint between his lips. 

"Hey! I'm not old-d." - Ryan crossed his arms on his chest. 

"What's up with the music?" - Frank asked, nodding towards the speakers.

"Lame, I know. Josh's playlist. Come in, we have tons and tons of alcohol."

The doorbell rang. Frank and Gerard walked into the living room, meanwhile Brendon made his way through all the mess and opened the door. His words got caught in the throat as he let out a shaky gasp. 

"You came.." - He whispered.

"Of course I came, Bren." - Dallon smiled. "You said this party is important for you,remember?"

"Thank you. I-Just.. Thank you." - Brendon gave Dallon a small hug. Dallon patted his back and walked past him into the living room.

"Daldy!!!" - Gerard exclaimed and threw his arms around the tall boy.

Brendon turned the voice of music on it's fullest.

"Let's get fucking wasted!!!" 

__

5 hours later they were fucking wasted. More precisely: Gerard and Frank were sitting on the couch, sucking each-other's lips because well, it appeared that drunk Frank is no less filthy and dirty-minded than sober Brendon. Mikey and Ryan were concentrated on the game in the iPad, cursing once in a while when one of them lost. Josh and Tyler disappeared in the bedroom. Hm, wondering what were they doing? Dallon was examining the join between his long fingers. And finally, Brendon.

His hands were shaking, sweat appearing on his forehead. His breath was uncontrollable. He had a plan. He had to do something important tonight. Very important. Something he never thought he would have to do. He neared the speakers and changed the CD. He pushed the Play button. 

_  
"Tell me, whats your favorite song?"- Brendon asked Ryan. It was the first evening they met,two years ago, at Josh's rented house. Ryan leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes._

_"Radiohead - Creep. No doubt. My dad used to listen to that song. That's my favorite one, definitely." - He smiled at Brendon. Black-haired boy was sure, he was falling in love with Ryan Ross._

Ryan's head shot up, his eyes met Brendon's face.

"This song.." - He mouthed to his boyfriend. Brendon smiled and cleared his throat.

"Can I have everybody's attention, please? For a moment." 

Everybody stayed quiet. Even Josh peeked put of their bedroom and motioned to Tyler to come out. Ryan was staring up at Brendon, with his eyes wide.

"It's 23:57. 3 minutes till my boy gets older." - Brendon grinned. "But, before that. I'd like to say something." - With these words he approached Ryan, who bolted up to his feet. Brendon interlaced his fingers with Ryan's slender ones and looked up at his boyfriend's eyes.

"Ryan. Ry. Ryro. Ry-Ry. My boy. You know I hate cheesy speeches about love and all that stuff. 'Cause words are stupid,stupid invention. Words are useless. I can never express my feelings with them. I can't draw my feelings to you, I can't sing them or carve them from the marble. I can't show you my feelings,but.." - Brendon placed their intertwined hands to his chest. "Here. This. This is a fucking proof. Of me. This is a proof that I love you."

Tears gathered up in Ryan's eyes as he continued to stare at his beautiful boyfriend. He could never expect what happened then.

The room filled up with gasps and quiet "oh my God"-s, as Brendon got on one knee in front of Ryan and pulled out something small from his pocket.

"I want your mornings to start with my love and I want your nights to end near me. I want my existence to be interlaced with yours. I want you to be my family, and maybe, one day, I may want to have kids with you.. I love you, George Ryan Ross III. I love you as my friend, my boyfriend, my roommate.. And I want to love you as my husband. So.. Moonlight... Will you marry me?"

Gerard whimpered quietly and Frank clasped his hand over red-head;s mouth, but even this couldn't spoil the moment. Ryan was staring down at his boyfriend, eyes wide and teary. He lifted his shaking hands to cover his face. He couldn't produce any sound. 

So he nodded. Quickly. Nodded probably hundred times.

Brendon's face lighted up as he flew up to his feet and locked his sobbing boyfriend into his embrace.

"Thank you. Th-Thank you.."- Ryan was sobbing as Brendon carefully slid the ring on his trembling finger. "Oh my.. I'm you fiancé." - He whispered shakily.

"You are. My beautiful, magical fiancé, Ryro." - Brendon smiled.

"Ooooh myy Goood!" - Gerard bawled. Josh and Frank clapped their hands and whistled. Tyler stared at two of his best friends as his heart filled up with love, pride and joy. Mikey sniffled quietly and tried to wipe his nose without anyone noticing.

Brendon eyes left Ryan's happy face only for a second, to meet Dallon's eyes. The blue-eyed boy was staring at him, his lips parted lightly from confusion and surprise. They looked at each-other for a moment, and then.. Dallon nodded. He nodded, and tried to smile,even though his eyes shimmered from tears. 

Brendon opened his mouth to say something but he got wrapped in embraces of his friend's. Dallon's face became jut a blurry image in his mind. 

Ryan said yes. Well, actually, Ryan nodded and meant yes. That was all that mattered.

_You're so fucking special.. I wish I was special..  
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.. _


	55. Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little sneak peak of further events. Next chapter will return us 6 months back and you will see/read what happened and understand what boys are talking about.
> 
> And there's a change in tags.  
> I know I'm evil.

_(time jump: 6 months)_

The cold wind crawled inside the cafe as the door opened and the tall boy walked into the building. He shuffled in place and shook his head to get rid of the snow. His eyes examined the cafe and finally spotted another boy beside one of the tables. He slowly approached him and crashed down on the chair next to his friend.

"Will it ever stop snowing?" - Gerard mumbled and took off his beanie. The boy next to him looked up and shrugged. 

"They said it's going to last for at least 3 more days."

"I hate it. It makes everything look so.. Sad and empty. I hate it." - Gerard sighed and stared down at his shaking from the cold fingers. "Have you ordered anything?"

"Coffee. And orange juice for you." - Tyler smiled. 

"Thanks." - Gee nodded and rested his chin on his hand. "Any news from Dallon?"

"No." - Tyler shook his head. "Nothing.."

"Oh." - Gerard sighed. He raised his eyes and looked out of the window, as the snow was covering everything around them. "Would you ever imagine we'd have to go through something like this?" - He asked quietly.

"Never." - Tyler mumbled. "I would never."

"Yeah, me too."

"I still can't believe it, you know. I mean, I can't process it. My consciousness refuses to believe it."

"I understand." - Red-head said. "I try not to think about it, but it never works."

The waitress appeared near their table, handing Tyler his coffee and putting down a glass of orange juice for Gerard.

"Thank you." - Tyler nodded as she walked away. "So, where's Frank?"

"Working." - Gerard sipped his juice. "Josh?"

"He's visit his parents. I doubt he'll make it back because of this stupid snow. He'll probably stay there for a weekend."

Two of them stayed silent for the next couple of minutes, staring down at their drinks.

"This is so strange. Everything is so.. Different. We are different. We changed." - Tyler said finally.

"We did. It changed all of us.."

Tyler sighed and lifted his eyes up to the ceiling.

"It's just.. It's so wrong, Gee."

"It is. I-I miss them, you know." - Gerard looked at Tyler and blinked away the tears gathered up in his eyes.

"I miss them too. I miss everything about them.." - Tyler smiled sadly.

"And I'm worried about Dallon. He-He isn't doing well.. Dallon loved him. God, he was so in love with him.. Still is. You can't un-love someone so easily.."

"I know.. But he has to be okay. We can't lose him too." - Tyler said, with his voice slightly shaking.

"Hey, hey.." - Gerard leaned forward and put one hand on his friend's shoulder. "It will be okay,Ty."

"It won't." - Tyler sniffled and shook his head. "It will never be okay."

Gerard knew it was true. 

He knew it would never be okay..


	56. Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was really hard to write. I love my characters so much and stuff like this makes me really sad. But sometimes, sacrifices need to be made. 
> 
> I hope you won't hate me.  
> Please, don't hate me.  
> There are so many dark,unbearable thoughts inside of my head. I had to destroy something. I stopped myself from destroying my body, so I decided to destroy something I loved. It's not less painful, I guess.
> 
> So I am sorry

(6 months ago)

"Brendon, I've t-told ten times already, you are n-not wearing a glittery s-suit to our wedding." - Ryan sighed as he approached his boyfriend and saw what he was looking at on his computer.

"But Ry, look! It's amazing! It's red and glittery and.."

"And gay?" - Ryan raised his eyebrow.

"Yeah! Like us!" - Brendon grinned. Curly boy rolled his eyes.

"Gee said he found a wonderful flower-shop down the street. We could order a bouquet and some decorative flowers in there." - Mikey said, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

"I want peons! Pink ones!"

"Oh my God.. W-What am I marrying into.." - Ryan sighed.

"Into a beautiful ass."

"Brendon!" - Ryan screamed.

"Okay, lovebirds. Keep your hormones for a moment and come look at this wedding cake photos." - Josh mumbled.

__

"Brendon! There's a huge package for you!" - Tyler yelled as he closed the door behind the postman. He stared down at the package. His eyes instantly went wide and a smile stretched on his face. "Oh my.. Is this your suit?!" 

"Yes!! I can't believer it's already here!" - Brendon appeared near him. Tyler handed him a package and followed his friend to the living room.

"You gonna show it to Ryan?"

"Nope. It's a surprise." - Brendon smiled.

"If it's the glittery one, he will kill you." - Tyler knitted his brows together, imagining the scene.

"No, no. It's not." - After 10 minutes of battling a wrapping paper, Brendon finally opened the package and pulled out the suit. 

"Oh my God, it is so beautiful!" - Tyler squealed. 

Brendon was holding deep green jacquard suit that had mesmerizing ornaments on.

"I know right! Dolce&Gabbana! Look what it says.."- Brendon looked down at the small paper that was in the package along with the suit. - _Spring Summer 2017 collection which traces the style, elegance and magnetism of Jazz Club musicians of the past._ It's literally so me!" - Brendon's eyes were shimmering with happiness and joy. Tyler stared up at his friend. He has never seen so much light in his eyes. 

"Bren, I'm so happy for you." - Tyler said. "I can't believe you're getting married.."

"I can't believe it too, Ty." - Brendon shrugged, eyes still glued on the suit. "But I know I'll make Ryan the happiest man alive. I have to."

 

 _(Here's a suit, guys : http://store.dolcegabbana.com/en/men/clothing/suits/jacquard-suit-green-G17AMTFJMXPV8623.html )_  
__

Josh and Tyler went away for the weekend. Brendon was curled up on the sofa, scrolling through Netflix and looking for a movie to watch. Ryan walked into the living room with two mugs and set them down on the table. He sat down beside his boyfriend, crossing his legs. Brendon shifter from his position, laid down and rested his head on Ryan's lap.

"Tyler told me your suit arrived." - Ryan murmured as his fingers slid into Brendon's hair.

"It did. But I won't show it to you."

"So it-t's a surprise?" - Ryan smiled.

"Yes. And it's not glittery, I promise." 

Ryan laughed at this and shook his head.

"Th-Thanks God. I was worried." - Brendon rolled onto his back and looked up at Ryan.

"You know you're making me happy, don't you?" - He asked quietly. The curly boy smiled.

"I d-do. And I love you."

"You're gonna be my husband, Ry." - Brendon whispered. "My beautiful husband."

Ryan blushed and giggled quietly. 

"I'm n-not beautiful. But I am happy. Thanks t-to you." 

"Hey, don't ever try to argue with me on that! You are beautiful!" - Brendon frowned. Ryan shook his head and placed a kiss on his boyfriend's cheek. 

"I'm gonna go get some cookies and you ch-choose the movie." 

As Ryan left the room, Brendon leaned back on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. He was finally marrying the man he loved. He was finally stepping into his happiness. He loved Ryan. He loved everything about this boy. The way his soft curls were covering his deep, hazel-colored eyes. The way his smile was mesmerizing. The way he was sending chills down Brendon's spine every time he kissed the boy. He loved the was his long, slender fingers were curling around the guitar strings and producing unbelievable sounds. The way he cooked his special-recieped soup for Brendon when he was sick. The way his body moved with Brendon's in unison when they touched and kissed. Oh, and the way he was so admirable in the bed. Brendon could live doing nothing but making love to him. Ryan was magical, he was out of the fairytale. His mind was beautiful and wise. His thoughts were deep. Everything about Ryan was perfect.

Brendon's thoughts were interrupted as he heard a loud noise coming out from the kitchen. Ryan probably dropped something on the floor,again. It was not something new in the last couple of months. Brendon chuckled and shook his head.

"You okay there?" - He asked. 

He was met with cold silence. Ryan was becaming too silent nowadays. He was never the one to ramble about stuff, but it was getting too strange. Brendon knitted his brows together and stood up from the sofa. 

"Ry?" - He asked, louder this time. Nothing. 

Brendon's breath hitched. He literally flew into the kitchen, with his eyes wide and breath messed up. He looked around.

"Oh my God." - He whimpered as he saw Ryan curled up on the floor near the kitchen counter. He dropped on his knees beside the boy. "Hey. Hey, I'm here."

Brendon grabbed his shoulders and placed the boy into his lap. He pulled out the phone and quickly dialed 911. 

"Hello ! My boyfriend is unconscious and oh, God, I-I don't think he's breathing.." - He rambled. He dictated the address and hang up, dropping the phone near him on the floor. Then he cupped his boyfriend's face and shook him slightly.

"Ryan!" - Brendon yelled. He even slapped the boys cheeks several times. 

"Fuck!" - He cursed and quickly wiped the tears from his cheeks. "Fuck, fuck, fuck.."

The ambulance arrived 5 minutes later. Brendon was rocking his unconscious boyfriend back and forth when they walked in. Doctors had to literally drag him away from Ryan.

"No, you-you don't understand!" - He was bawling as a pair of strong arms pulled his away from his boy. "He's my fiancé! He has to be fucking okay!" 

__

"You can't be serious." - Gerard spat and shook his head. 

"I am really sorry.." - The doctor mumbled. "Haemorrhagic strokes are impossible to anticipate. you never know when they.."

"He was okay!" - Red-head yelled. "He was fucking laughing and dancing and he was okay!"

"Gee, you have to.."

"Get off me, Frank!" - Gerard shouted and pushed his boyfriend. He looked at the doctor with disgust and hate in his green eyes. "You fucking save him. Or I swear to God-"

"We're doing everything we can. He survived a very severe head trauma. It appears to be more serious that we thought it was.. Excuse me. I need to get back to the surgery." - Doctor turned on his heed and walked away from Gerard. 

"Brendon needs you." - Frank said suddenly. "You have to calm yourself and be strong. For him."

The taller boy closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. 

"You're right. I know you're right." 

Brendon was sat down on the cold floor, back leaning on the wall and eyes glued on the surgery room door. Josh and Tyler arrived as soon as Mikey called them. Dallon was kneeled beside him, holding his hand and whispering soothing words to him. But Brendon stayed quiet and still. 

"He will be okay. You know he's a strong boy, Bren. He will fight this.. He won't leave you." 

"I did not get to show him my suit." - Brendon said suddenly with his voice hoarse from crying and screaming. He did not even blink. Dallon's heart dropped and eyes filled with tears.

"You will show him. And you will be okay, both of you.." - The taller boy whispered. "You will get married and have a huge family. You'll see."

Suddenly, the all the sounds quieted. The doctors stopped running, the red alarm went off. Everything drowned in silence. Dallon has never felt such an intimidating silence. After a moment, the door opened and the doctor walked out, taking off his medical mask. Gerard appeared near him in a second.

"You're here for Mr. Ross?" - The doctor asked quietly.

"Yes. Yes, we are." - Red-head nodded quickly.

The man in front of him sighed and looked up at Gerard.

"A blood vessel within the skull bursted and bled into and around the brain. We couldn't stop the bleeding because it took too long to find the center of aneurysm. We-we did everything we could.."

The silence and blur covered everything around them. Gerard's legs gave out and his knees met the cold floor underneath him. In his intense silence he somehow screamed with his whole body. Frank rushed near him in a second, throwing his arms around the boy. Red-head slowly turned his head to the side and looked at Brendon. 

Brendon was staring up at the doctor. He breathed in and out shakily, wide eyes darting around the hallway. And then.. He screamed. It was the kind of scream that made your blood run cold. It pierced the brain and ignited some primeval pathway. He kicked his legs and tried to push Dallon and everybody around him away. The nurses gathered around him, holding needles of sedative medicine, but they could not approach the boy because of the way he was thrashing and yelling. The scream pierced into everyone's brain. It lasted for at least 5 minutes. 

And then it cut off. Brendon stopped screaming as he finally collapsed into Dallon's arms and all the energy left his body.

Gerard never knew somebody could scream so.. Painfully. The red-head buried his face in his arms and sobbed, as his boyfriend held him close and the world blurred around the edges.


	57. Promise me a place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, so there's only one official chapter left. After that I'll write an epilogue. And yeah. That will be it.
> 
> I can't believe it. Damn, I love this story so much. What am I supposed to do?
> 
> Lemme quote Ryro: "it's like a break-up with your girlfriend."

How do you continue going on with you life when a friend of yours dies? How does your mind wrap around the idea that you won’t hear their laugh anymore? That you won’t spot them in the kitchen in early morning, rummaging in cupboards, looking for their favorite cereal bowl? That you won’t see them curled up on the sofa, eating popcorn and anxiously staring at some stupid drama tv-show? Is it possible to live on and know that your friend doesn’t exist anymore?

But you try. You try to agree to that stupid cliche statement - life goes on. You try not to think about his lanky silhouette every time you enter the house that you shared. You try not to look at those letters carved on the wooden table in the kitchen.

_“Why the hell are you doing that?! Josh will kill you!”_

_“Relax, Ty-Ty. It’s a history.” - Ryan said. His long fingers curled around the knife as he dig it into the wooden table and carved out the words._

_**Ryan was here.** _

_“See? That’s a fucking history.”_

__

Tyler run his fingers over the carved words. He was right. This was a history. He was a history. He became one. Ryan was here. He lived, he breathed, he laughed, he cried in these walls. And now.. He just stopped existing. The house became unbearably quiet. Ryan’s leather jackets and sneakers disappeared from the hallway. His scent was fading away from cushions. The house was emptying. Stupid house of memories. They were emptying.

The brunette slowly approached a bedroom where Ryan used to spend most of his time with his boy. He turned the doorknob and walked in. This was supposed to be that part of the house that would never change. That part where Ryan would still exist. But it changed the most. The biggest, the most important thing that Ryan has ever owned disappeared - Brendon. The room that held the most precious memories was fucking empty. 

_  
“He’s gone..” - Josh walked out of the bedroom. His eyes were wide from confusion. It was the night after.. After that happened. And Brendon was gone._

_“What do you mean?!” - Tyler raised up to his feet._

_“He’s gone. His things, his-his clothes, even his fucking car.. He’s gone!”_

So, yeah. They did not lose only Ryan that night. They lost Brendon. They lost the biggest ray of light in their lives. They lost morning laughs and midnight pranks. They lost unstoppable rumbling about music and oh, they lost music. They lost Brendon’s voice interlaced in unison with Ryan’s singing. 

Along with Brendon, they lost Dallon. The ocean-eyed boy barely left his house nowadays. He stopped living in that moment when the light left Brendon’s eyes. He existed now. Just survived. First month, Dallon travelled around the cities and states, desperately looking for some kind of a clue. He was looking for Brendon. But, after days of finding nothing - he gave up.

“You okay?” - Josh snapped Tyler out of his thoughts as he walked into the kitchen. He spotted the boy’s fingers touching Ryan’s carving. Josh approached him and wrapped his strong arms around Tyler’s thin body. 

“Do you think he’s happy?” - Tyler asked quietly. Josh’s head rested on his shoulder.

“I hope so. He probably looks down at us and thinks “those fuckers better not have a sex on our kitchen table.” - Tyler chuckled at this.

“It’s more likely that he’s looking up at us, not down.” - He shrugged with a smile.

“You’re right, he's definitely sharing a throne with Satan.” - Josh laughed. 

“Brendon doesn’t believe in that.” - Tyler said suddenly. “He doesn’t believe in God, in heaven,afterlife.. That must be so hard to believe that someone you love is just.. Gone. Lost.”

Josh did not respond at this. He sighed and closed his eyes. 

__  
_(1 year later)_

This cafe became their personal meeting spot. For some reasons, of course. For example, it was near with Tyler's work, the served Gerard's favorite hot chocolate, had the best music in the world (if you asked Mikey) and their soap smelled really good, in Josh's opinion. Gerard smiled as he saw the couple of his friend approaching their table.

"Hey. I ordered milkshake for you, Ty, and your stupid latte, Dun."

"Thanks,buddy." - Josh said as he crashed down on the chair in front of the boy.

"Dallon's coming?" - Gee asked.

"He said he would. He's getting better, I think. Getting him a therapist was a really good idea."

"Told ya." - Tyler shrugged.

"Guys.." - Gerard cleared his throat. "You know what time of year it is, right?"

A smile stretched on Josh's face.

"Yeap. I've already made some calls. The house is ours."

"The house.." - Gerard whispered and shook his head. "So many memories.. That's where it all started. In the mountains, in that house."

"I know right." - Josh smiled sadly. "It's been so long."

"It will feel strange to go there without our boys." - Tyler whispered. 

They stayed silent for the next minutes, until Gee's phone buzzed. The boy whined as he read the text.

"Fuck, I have to run. Husband duty calls. Frank texted me Helena has troubles in school again. I sweat to God that little devil will be the death of me!" - The red-head rolled his eyes.

"Hey, don't talk about my god-daughter like that!" - Tyler barked. "Helena is an angel!"

"Yeah, right. Tell that to her teacher who had a mental break down because of her."

"Your daughter is perfect, Gerard. Stop complaining." - Josh winked at his friend.

"I'm just stating the facts!" - Gerard held his hands up in defense as he got up from his seat. 

"This weekend - mountains await." - Tyler said.

The mountains await. Like the old times. Their house, their mountains, their memories.


	58. Do the panic.

Mikey dropped his backpack to the floor and inhaled the smell of wooden furniture and leather. 

"Hello, house!" - He exclaimed and turned around to face his friends. "Thanks God I don't have to sleep on the couch again."

Gerard rolled his eyes as he took off his beanie. Frank walked in right behind him, holding their luggage. 

"Where do I put these?" - He asked.

"Oh, third door on the left, honey. That's our room. And welcome to the house were our history began." - Gerard grinned. Soon, his smile dropped when he spotted the small, curly girl under the kitchen table. 

"No,no, Helena! Get out of there! We haven't cleaned yet!"

"I foun'd a wo'rm!" - The girl giggled as her father approached her.

"Drop it, oh my God! Ew!" 

"Relax, Gee." - Josh laughed. "It won't eat her."

"But it's disgusting! Come here, young lady. Help your father with our bags,okay?" - The girl nodded happily and ran after Frank.

The tall boy appeared in the doorframe. He was holding a pair of skis in his hands.

"I parked the car in the backyard." - He mumbled.

"Come in, Dal, and close the door. Fuck, it's really cold." - Josh shuffled from one feet to another.

"I'll prepare the fireplace." - Dallon said. 

"You said he was getting better." - Gerard whispered to Josh when the tall boy walked away.

"He is, Gee. He was barely leaving his house.."

"Hey, help me with these maybe?!" - Tyler yelled, as he walked into the house,holding everyone's skis and stumbling on every step.

"Oh my God, here, lemme take these." 

__

A cold wind outside was busting everything. It was whistling intimidating melodies, knocking on the windows, as if begging to let him in. The boys were sat down in the living room in front of the fireplace. A plate with melted marshmallows was placed in the middle. It was quiet. So quiet that you could literally hear what everyone was thinking about. And of course, they were all thinking about the same thing. That same thing, which kept them awake in the nights. Which never really left their heads ever since it happened. 

It was the strangest thing ever. Sitting in that same living room of that same house where everything happened. Where they met, they fell in love with each other, became friends, best friends even. Where they fought and made up, had sex and kissed. Where they held each other. Where one of them nearly died and was saved. This was the real house of memories. This fucking house. 

Gerard cleared his throat, because the awkward silence was becoming too heavy and unbearable. 

"Wanna play truth or dare?" - He asked.

"Yeah, why not." - Josh responded lazily. 

"But please be quiet, Helena finally fell asleep." - Frank pleaded. 

They all gathered around the table, some of them sitting on the couch, some - on the floor. You couldn't blame them. They were trying to cover the emptiness in their hearts. They were trying really hard..

"I go first." - Gerard said. He looked around his friends and his eyes finally landed on one of them. "Tyler. Truth or dare?"

"Truth." - Tyler shrugged.

"Okay. Is Josh's dick good?"

The room filled up with gasps and Josh's coughing as he nearly dropped his tea mug. 

"What the fuck,Way?!" - Pink-haired boy finally said when he recovered, wiping his mouth.

"It is. Really, really good, in fact." - Tyler answered quietly. Loud "aww"-s and "wow Joshie"-s escaped his friends' mouthes.

"Oh, Ty.." - Josh looked down, his cheeks flushed red. 

"My turn!" - Tyler grinned. "Mmm.. Mikey!"

"Hm?"

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"So, in the end, are you gay, straight, bi or what?"

"Bi." - Mikey laughed. 

"We don't have even one straight friend, amazing." - Gerard shook his head.

"Okay, my turn.. Dallon!"

The ocean-eyed boy looked up from his fingers. "Yes?"

"Truth od dare?"

"Dare." 

"Oh.." - Mikey stayed silent for a moment. "I dare you to.."

The loud knock on the door snapped them out of the game. They looked at each-other,confused and even scared. It was three a.m., who the hell would want to visit them now?

"I'll get it." - Gerard jumped from his seat and walked towards the door. "I don't see anything through his peephole. It's too dark." - He whispered to his friends.

"Ask who's there."

"Who's there?" - Gerard yelled, his voice cracking.

Another knock followed. Louder, stronger.

"For fucks's sake, they'll wake Helena up!" - Frank hissed.

Gerard slowly turned the keys around and breathed out anxiously before opening the door.

Thin, very, very thin silhouette. Black hair falling down on face. Eyes.. Big, sad, exhausted eyes rounded with black circles. Pale skin and shaking, chapped lips. He was leaning on the doorframe, looking up at Gerard and breathing shakily.

"Oh my God." - Red-head whispered and covered his mouth with hands. 

"Gee? Who's there?" - He heard Josh's surprised voice. But he blocked everything around him. Every sound, every vision or movement. He was staring at the person in front of him Destroyed, broken person. 

"Hey, you okay?" - His friends rushed into the hallway. 

"Hi." - The guest croaked as he spotted them, his voice shaky and hoarse. 

"Oh my-" 

"I knew you wouldn't miss the season. I knew I would find you here.."

After minutes of staring,Tyler was the first to make the move. He run towards the boy, throwing his arms around his thin frame and locking him in his embrace. 

"It's you, it's really you, oh my God.. What happened to you? You look so bad.." - Tyler was sobbing quietly.

"Ty, hey.. Yes, yes it's me.. Please don't cry.."

Tyler pulled away suddenly, his face twisted from anger.

"How could you?! How could you do that to us? We were so worried, we thought you.. You.."

Trembling hands cupped Tyler's face, brown eyes locked on his face.

"I'm here.. And I'm sorry.."

He looked up at boys, who were standing behind Tyler. His huge,sad eyes darted from one's face to others.. Finally stopping on one special face. One pair of eyes. Ocean-blue eyes.

"Dal.." - He whispered before his knees gave out underneath him. Dallon rushed to him in a second, grabbing the boy's arm and catching him. He literally carried their guest inside. He sat the boy down on the couch and kneeled in front of him, eyes swirling holes on his face.

"You're back.." - The blue-eyes boy finally managed to say. He sounded relieved. Like every dark thing or thought he lived through for the last year suddenly disappeared..

"I'm back.." - The boy whispered.

Dallon's eyes filled up with tears, but he wiped them with his shaking fingers and cursed quietly. 

"Where were you? This whole time.." - Josh asked quietly. 

"Nowhere. I.. I tried to run away from reality. It wasn't the best idea,to be honest.. Everything was.. Bad. Horrible. I did things I'll regret for the rest of my life. But I couldn't come back.. I was too weak..Oh,I have so much to tell you, guys." - The boy looked up. His voice cracked from emotions. "I did terrible things.. Drinking, uncontrollable sex.. Drugs.. I nearly died.. God, I wish I have died.. I need your help.. Please,help me.."

His friends stared at him,unable to say or do anything. Except for Dallon.. He intertwined his fingers with Brendon's shaking ones and smiled sadly.

"Thank you.." - He mumbled. "Thank you for being alive."

Brendon shook his head slowly and chuckled, before looking up at the boy.

"I am not alive. But I'm here.. And I'm staying."

"Who are you?" - The small voice asked from somewhere behind their backs. Brendon turned his head, confusion written all over his face. Little girl was standing near the door, scratching her cheek with one hand and holding a teddy bear in another. 

"Hey, baby. Sorry we woke you up." - Gerard appeared near her in a second and scooped her into his arms. 

"Helena, meet Brendon. We've been telling you about him, remember?"

"Yes!! Bren'don who can't cook!" - She giggled.

"Yeah, that one. Bren, this is Helena. Our daughter." 

The boy's eyes went wide. His lips parted but he couldn't produce any sound. 

*

_"I want our f-first child to be a daughter.."_

_"Really? Why?"_

_"I don't know.. I just.. I th-think we need a s-small princess to take care of-f."_

_"Yeah. You're right, Ry. We do."_

*

"You have a daughter.." - He finally managed to say, his eyes never leaving the small angel's face.

"We do.. A lot of things happened while you were gone, Bren.." - Gerard said sadly.

Brendon slowly got up on his feet and approached his red-head friend.

"Can I..?" - He asked quietly. Gerard nodded and whispered something to his daughter. In a second, the small girl crawled from his father's arms to Brendon's, locking her legs around the boy's waist. 

"Hey, Helena.." - Brendon whispered. "You're really beautiful, you know that?"

"I've be'en told." - She shrugged. 

The thin boy stared down at her. This was Gerard's daughter. Maybe not biological, but a daughter.. His friends had a child.

"Brenny has a tattoo!" - Helena exclaimed as her small fingers run over the boy's neck. 

"Hey, we did not even notice!" - Gerard said. 

"Yeah, I got it some time ago." - Brendon mumbled.

"I can re'ad!" - Helena said, as her fingers traced along the boy's pale skin.

" _Hey Moon, please forget to fall down."_ Who's Moon?! - The girl asked, huge eyes staring up at his new friend. 

Brendon smiled at her.

"Moon's my boy." - He answered simply.

"And you're afr'aid he'll fall down?" - She asked confused.

"No.. He will never fall down.."


	59. So long and good night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think a big part of me ended with this fic. Thank you so much for reading it, for loving it. Thank you so much for staying alive. 
> 
> And some day, this fic may become my own kitchen sink. It may be my little "purpose." Something I've created. 
> 
> Thank you, frens.
> 
> I love you

_(4 years later)_

"Mikey, move your ass a little so we can all fit in." - Gerard barked at his brother. 

"Well, it would be great if you tried not to poke my eye out with your stupid ski." - Mikey mumbled as he moved to the side, emptying some space for his friends. 

Finally, after minutes of moving and shuffling, all of them were sat down on their seats and the cabin started moving up. They practically filled up the whole cabin, only two mysterious guys were unknown for them. They were sitting in the corner and staring at them through their masks.

"So.." - Gerard cleared his throat. "You know tomorrow's Helena's birthday, right? And I thought maybe, you know, we could throw a little party for her in the house?"

"That's a great idea." - Josh took off his skiing mask and shook his head, his curls fell down on his face. They were yellow now. Bright, neon yellow.

"Bren? What do you think?"

"Yeah." - Skinny boy shrugged. "We can do that."

Suddenly, one of the strangers spoke up quietly.

"I have a strange feeling of deja-vu." 

"Huh?" - Gerard raised his eyebrow.

"Oh, nothing." - The stranger scratched his neck. "Years ago we were in the cabin and got stuck on our way up. And everyone who was in that cabin decided to throw a party.."

"Wait a minute.." - Red-head's eyes went wide. "You're that couple! Oh my God, I remember you! Wait, what were the names? P..P.. Peter? and Paul?"

"Pete and Patrick." - One of them responded. "Wait, so you're those guys?!"

"Yes!" - Gerard exclaimed. "I can't believe it!"

"Okay, I have a really good memory." - Patrick said. "Let me try to remember your names. Hm.. Yours was Gerald, right?"

"Gerard, actually." - Gee grinned.

"Oh, right, sorry. And you - you're Taylor."

"Tyler." - The boy mumbled.

"Oops. Tyler. You're Josh, I remember your hair. You're Bren.. Brendon? Snowboarder one."

"Yeap." - Brendon smiled.

Patrick's eyes laid on Dallon.

"Oh, and you're Ryan!" 

For a moment, everybody stopped breathing. The air became ten times heavier than it was supposed to be. Gerard looked at Brendon slowly, who was staring down at his fingers. 

"Uh.. No. I am Dallon. I was not with them." - Dallon said.

"Wait, but I remember some Ryan! A photographer. A rude one, to be honest. I remember he said some stuff abo-"

"Stop." - Brendon looked up at him. "Please, just stop."

"Ryan's not here. He's gone." - Tyler whispered.

"Oh.. Oh, I-I had no idea.. God, I'm so sorry." - The guilt was eating Patrick alive. 

"Hey, would you like to come to my daughter's birthday party tonight?" - Gerard asked, breaking an awkward silence.

"Uh, sure. Yes, why not." - Pete raised his thumbs up.

"Great!"

__

 

You could say that this evening was Helena's birthday party. But, in reality, it was a celebration of something bigger. A celebration of life,friendship,love. Because well, Helena has been asleep for at least 2 hours now and the boys were still drinking and partying. 

Dallon gripped a solo cup in his hand and sat down on the cushion near his favorite boy. Brendon looked at him and smiled. With that smile of his, that would tell you: you're okay, we're okay. 

The taller boy wrapped his arm around Brendon's shoulders.

"I love you." - Dallon whispered, smiling at him. Brendon looked down, blush painting on his cheeks as he smiled shyly. 

"I love you too, Daldy."

Dallon kissed his boyfriend's temple and inhaled his smell. Vanilla smell that was now waking him up in the mornings. His Brendon's never changing vanilla smell. Their relationship was growing slowly, carefully. After his return, Brendon was destroyed. Dallon had to fix him, kissing each piece of the boy's soul before adjusting it back. After years of suffering, after hundreds of sessions to therapists, Brendon finally let Dallon in. And here they were, holding each other in front of the fireplace, whispering soothing words to each other and hoping to never spend even a minute without their love. Brendon never stopped loving his boy. He would still wake up crying and sobbing, Dallon would still have to hold him at nights. But they were okay. They were finally okay.

 

Tyler was sitting on Josh's lap, while his boyfriend was scrolling through his phone.

"What about this?" - The yellow-haired boy asked, showing a photo of a cake to Tyler.

"Too fancy, don't you think? Pete, am I right?" - Smaller boy asked. 

"I don't know, I like it." - Pete responded. Patrick's head was resting on his shoulders. The smaller boy was passed out from drinking too much.

"Well, our family is fancy, Ty." - Josh joked.

"Okay, just because you got a job with a huge salary doesn't mean you're fancy." - Tyler rolled his eyes and nudged his husband's shoulder.

"Just tell me what kind of cake you want, for God's sake."

"I don't know,okay? This is important, we need to have prefect cake for Ruby's birthday!" - Tyler whined.

"Oh my God, okay. Sometimes it seems to me that she's your real,biological daughter, you two are literally the same! Let's scroll further and find that perfect cake." 

Tyler pecked the blonde's cheek and smiled.

 

Gerard pulled away from kissing his husbands and sipped some alcohol from his cup. Frank's tattooed arms were locked around his waist as the boy placed small kisses over Gerard's neck.

"Hey, hey.." - The red-head giggled and nudged Frank slightly. "Look, I'm getting really aroused and Helena's sleeping in our bedroom."

"I don't care." - Frank continued to kiss his husband. "You're so good, babe."

Gerard closed his eyes, biting his lip and let out a shaky breath.

"S-Stop until it's too late." - He whispered.

"I can't." - The brunette whispered back, his hot breath tickling red-head's skin.

"Oh, fuck it." - Gerard grabbed the boy's hand and leaded him away. "Josh, we're borrowing your bedroom!" - He yelled back at his friends.

"Sure." - Josh laughed at this. "Good luck!"

 

The light and heat was radiating from the fireplace, filling up the whole room. They were okay. Finally, after everything. After every fight, break up, heartbreak, tragedy.. They were okay. They were always there for each other. And right now, if you peeked into the house from the window, you wouldn't see just a few people who were partying hard. You would see more than that.. 

You would see a red-haired boy, who has always had his friends' backs. Who would sacrifice everything for them to be okay and safe. 

You would see the boy, who was broken and craving death a few years ago, but has been saved and was now loving his life more than ever. 

You would see the boy, who saved his love. Who dragged him out from the darkness and held him close. 

You would see the boy who lost his love. Who lost everything. Even lost himself, but was found. 

You would see the blue-eyed boy who loved. Who loved so much that at the end, his love was enough for his boy to love him back. 

You would see the blonde boy with glasses, who saw a death of his mother, who suffered for years and learned how to live with it.

And of course.. You would see a tall, curly boy with sad, doe eyes and beautiful smile gripping a guitar with his long,slender fingers and smiling. You would see him in their eyes. You would feel him in their heartbeats. You would hear him in their voices. Ryan was there. Ryan never left. He just became invisible..

 

You would see friendship, and pain, and strength, and grief, and love, and love, and love.. Love in every fiber and molecule, every God damn atom. They loved each other, and maybe.. 

Maybe that was enough.

 

**_The end._ **


	60. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> because why not?! I love Christmas. And I love this story <3

"Socks?"

"Check."

"Water bottle?"

"Check."

"Flashlight? Matches?"

"Check. And Check."

"Good." - The curly boy sighed. "That's all."

"Are you sure we don't need to run over the list once again?" - The brunette questioned, anxiously biting down his lip.

"Ty." - Josh smiled, gently rubbing his husband's shoulder. "We don't. She's all packed and she is going to be okay. Relax."

"I can't!" - Tyler exclaimed, dropping the list down on the bed and running his hand through hair. "I can't relax! What if she gets sick? Or-Or a mosquito bites her and she gets an allergy? What if she falls down while running-"

"Tyler!" - Josh whined. "Baby, it's a Christmas-camp, there won't be any insects. Just for a week. She's gonna be okay, she's a smart girl. Plus, Helena's going to take care of her,like she promised."

"Helena's only nine, J. How the hell is she going to take care of herself _and_ Ruby?"

"But she's Gee's daughter. I'm sure he raised her as "squad-mom", like he is."

Tyler grinned at this and shook his head. 

"You're ruining such a dramatic moment, for God's sake." - He mumbled, his lips still stretched in a smile as he stared up at Josh.

"Enough with sentiments." - The curly boy rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's get the bags downstairs."

___

"Promise to call me every night, before the bed. Always check your shoes before putting them on. Don't forget to put on the beanie while going out. Stay in Helena's sight. Drink enough water and-"

"Daddy!" - Ruby whined. 

"Sorry." - Tyler shook his head. He brushed the blond curls away from his daughter's face and sighed. "Just-Please, be careful."

"I will, daddy." - She promised. "And you promise not to call me every hour!"

Tyler opened his mouth, ready to disagree but light a squeeze on his shoulder stopped him.

"He promises." - Josh chimed in. "Right, Ty?"

Ruby's pleading gaze managed to soften Tyler, because after a moment of silence he sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Fine. I promise."

Tiny arms were thrown around his neck in a second, locking him in sweet embrace. Ruby placed tiny kissed on her father's cheek before pulling away. Josh handed her a pink backpack and ruffled her curls gently.

"Stay safe, kiddo."

"Will do, Papa." - She fist-bumped Josh and crawled into the backseat of the car, that was parked in front of their house. 

Tyler walked around the car, stopping beside the driver's window.

"Drive safe, will you?" - He mumbled.

"Jeez, do you ever relax?!" - Frank laughed, one hand gripping the steering wheel. "You're just like Gee, I swear."

"I'm worried about my daughter!"

"Tyler, for the love of God, fucking chill." - The tattooed man sighed. "And, don't you dare to call me in the next hour, Joseph, or I will choke you."

"But-"

"See you!" 

The car took off before Tyler had a chance to say anything. He was left frozen on the pavement with eyes wide and lips parted. He could feel anxiety filling up his chest. _She's gonna be fine. She's gonna be fine._

"She's gonna be fine." - Josh's soft whisper snapped him out of his trance. "And you're gonna get fucked hard, babe. Under the Christmas tree, just like I've promised."

__

"Please."

"No."

"Pretty please? The prettiest please?"

"No! No, I'm not going to put that toy on the top, Dallon. It doesn't blend with the whole theme."

"But it's a Santa toy! We need one on the Christmas tree!"

"But not on the top!" - Brendon shrieked.

"Fine!" - Dallon mumbled and crossed arms on his chest annoyed. "Can I at least choose the wrapping paper for the presents?"

"Okay, you can do that." - Brendon nodded as he stretched to reach the top of the tree. Dallon rolled his eyes at this, grabbed a toy from Brendon's hold and easily put it right on the top. 

"Perks of being a giant." - He grinned at how annoyed Brendon looked. 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." - The raven-haired boy rolled his eyes. He went back to the box full of toys and kneeled in front of it. 

Brendon's breath hitched as a little blue toy in the shape of star caught his sight. He gently picked it up from the box and stared down. The edges were already discolored, even though Brendon has never taken it out of that box. He could feel his hands start to shake as he brushed a small layer of dust off with his finger. His chest felt heavy, as if someone stuck a needle in his heart. He swallowed hardly and tried to blink the blur gathered in front of his eyes away.

"Bren?" - A soft voice reached his ears and a warm hand was placed on his shoulders.

"Yeah, um, I'm fine. Sorry, just-" - Brendon got up to his feet, still holding the toy between his trembling fingers. "I want to put this up this year."

Dallon's face went pale for a second. He blinked at his boyfriend, surprise written all over his face.

"You sure?" - He asked softly.

"Yes." - Brendon nodded. He neared the Christmas tree and delicately hang the toy above many others. Right on the top. "You don't mind it here, do you?"

"No! No, of course I don't." - Dallon shook his head. He approached Brendon from the back and curled his arms around the boy's waist, resting his chin on Brendon;s shoulder. "It's pretty."

"Yeah." - Brendon agreed, his voice cracking. "He bought it in some stupid shop full of hand-made shit." - He laughed and shook his head. 

"Hey. Is everything alright?" - Dallon whispered, his nose brushing Brendon's cheek carefully.

Brendon nodded and turned around to face his blue-eyed boyfriend.

"Yes." - He responded and placed a small kiss on the top of Dallon's lips. "No go and get out presents, let's wrap them."

"Okay." - Dallon pecked his cheek, unwrapped himself from Brendon's grip and disappeared from the room.

Brendon's eyes stared up at the toy again. He could feel one single tear rolling down his cheek, but he wiped it away quickly with a sleeve of his sweater. He smiled then, smiled as the memories washed over him. Memories of all the Christmases he spent, picking this toy out of the box but then returning it back, without managing to deal with his emotions. But now - there it was. Hanging proudly on the top of the tree. And even though his heart was stinging from pain - Brendon was happy. His fingers traced the familiar tattoo on his body.

"Merry Christmas, Ry." - He whispered, smiling up at the blue, shining toy. "And a happy New Year."

__

"I've been cooking for the whole evening, so if any of you don't try my pie I will push it down your throats forcefully." - Gerard announced as he sliced down an apple pie. 

"He will, trust me." - Frank added, horrible flashbacks of last New Year crawling up on the back of his mind.

"Thanks, Gee." - Dallon grinned when Gerard handed his a piece. "Where's Helena?" 

"Frank and Gerard decided to get rid of their kid so they can fuck peacefully." - Mikey mumbled with his mouth full.

"Mikey!" - Gerard smacked the back of his brother's head.

"We did that, too." - Josh grinned but Tyler shot him a glare, causing Josh to nearly choke on the piece of the pie.

Gerard went to his seat near Frank, of course stumbling on something on his way.

"What the hell is this?!" - He shouted as he spotted the box lying on the floor near the table.

"Presents." - Dallon responded proudly. "I've wrapped them myself."

Somebody cleared their throat beside him. 

"Okay, me and Brendon did."

"Guys!" - Josh chimed in. "It's almost midnight!" 

Pairs of eyes shot up at the clocks hanging on the wall. 

"Don't forget about the New Year's kisses!" - Gerard reminded them. 

_5..4..3..2..1.._

"Happy New Year!!" - Somebody screeched as the air filled up with sounds of fireworks coming through the windows. 

Instantly, Frank's lips got captured by Gerard. Josh framed Tyler's face and pushed down a kiss, causing the other boy to stumble and nearly fall. Dallon wrapped his long arms around Brendon's body gently and placed a soft kiss on his plump lips.

And Mikey - well, he shrugged and sipped his wine. After moments of watching his friends sucking each-other faces, he whined.

"Enough with licking, let's eat!" - He yelled as everyone shuffled back to their seats, fingers intertwined and cheeks flushed.

The New Year's night air crawled into the room, bringing the smell of fireworks. The table was full of food, which Gee was really proud of. Their hearts were full of joy and love. 

The only empty thing in the house was a spot in the middle of the table. The spot that has always been saved, on every occasion, every New Year. The empty spot near Brendon, which was empty only physically. 

_Stay for as long as you have time._  
So the mess that we'll become  
Leaves something to talk about 

"I love you." - Dallon whispered to Brendon, quietly, so nobody but him could hear. 

Brendon smiled shyly and looked down the piercing blue eyes he loved so much.

"Love you, too." - He mouthed. 

_Yeah. Everything was alright._


	61. Well, technically our marriage is saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh god am i going to ever stop returning to this fic?
> 
> nah.
> 
> bye. enjoy this mess.
> 
> and yes, Jackon's name comes from Panic! song. obviously.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to take Jackson with us?"

Brendon blinks down at the envelope in his hands, then looks up and smiles at Dallon, who is shuffling near the mirror, struggling to put a tie on.

"Of course I am. Mikey sent a special invitation specifically for him. Plus, he won't cause any trouble, he promised us."

"He promised us the same thing last week when he went over at Gerard's, you know how it ended."

"Okay, first of all it was Frank's fault, he should have never left his work papers near the kids." - Brendon scoffs. "Let me help, for fuck's sake."

The raven-haired boy gets up, dropping the envelope on the bed and approaches Dallon. He slaps away his hands and chuckles at the pathetic excuse of a tie that Dallon has mastered. His fingers run up and down the material and in a minute he ties a perfect tie. Dallon glances down at it and grins. He pecks Brendon's temple proudly.

"Thanks! So,-" - The taller boy turns around and opens his arms wide to show off his suit. "How do I look?"

"Handsome." - Brendon doesn't hesitate to answer. "Beautiful. Charming. Sexy-"

"Ew!" - A high-pitched voice yells behind their backs, startling both of them. Dallon turns around in a speed of light, his eyes going wide from the sight.

"Jackson!" - He gasps. "When-How did you get in here?!" 

"I locked the door." - Brendon crosses arms on his chest and stares down at his son with a raised eyebrow.

"I-I may or may not have used Ruby's bobby-pin to get in." - The boy admits embarassed, looking down at his shoes. His dark curls fall down his face, hiding away the blush risen on his cheeks.

"Jackson Ryan Weekes, you did what?!" - Brendon screeches. "You little menace!"

"Oh, come on, I wanted to see how you two look in suits!" - The boy pouts, looking up at his father with professional puppy-eyes. Brendon sighs and runs a hand over his face. He glances at Dallon, who only shrugs in response. 

"And? How do we look?" - He finally asks the boy.

"Handsome, beautiful, charming, se-"

"Okay, okay, enough!" - Dallon covers his son's mouth with a palm. "Let's go get your suit, little man. And return the bobby-pin to Ruby, right now!"

Dallon literally drags their son out of the bedroom, leaving Brendon alone in the room. He chuckles softly and shakes his head. Then, he traces the edges of envelope, that is still laying on the bed and smiles.

"Okay, then. Let's get you married, Mikey Way."

__

 

"I can't believe it. It's gone! It-It disappeared! Oh my God, I think I'm gonna faint." - Tyler tugs at the roots of his hair as he paces around in the room, face pale and fingers trembling from anxiety and nerves. He almost doesn't notice the warm arms stopping him and curling around his shaking body. He leans into the touch and closes his eyes, trying to relax for a moment.

"Breathe with me, yeah?" - Soft voice pleads. "I'm sure it's somewhere here, we just have to look better."

"No, no, Josh!" - Tyler shakes his head and pulls away from the embrace. He looks up at his husband, who is staring at him with a concerned look. "The ring is gone. Mikey trusted me with it and it's gone. He will kill me and then- _then_ he will kill you and out daughter. Oh, dear Lord!"

"Tyler,-"

"No, you don't understand! I should have looked after it, I-"

"Tyler, it's-"

"-I should have put it in-in the drawer or-"

"Tyler!"

Tyler freezes and stops rambling. He turns around on his heel to face Josh.

"Tyler." - Josh approaches his husband and puts a hand on his shoulder gently. "Have you looked in your pockets?"

"Are you kidding me?" - Tyler whines. He pats the pockets of his pants, while glaring at Josh. "Of course I have looked in my pockets, I'm not stup-"

He stops mid-sentence and fishes out a small box from his right pocket. The velvety box is covered in fuzz, but in other terms looks perfectly fine. Tyler blinks down at the item, then glances up at Josh and smiles shyly.

"Um, oops?"

Josh tries to stay mad at Tyler, but his facade breaks pathetically as he laughs and shakes his head. He ruffles Tyler's hair playfully and grabs a box from his hand.

"This stays with me." - He adds.

"But,-"

"No! It's giving you unwanted anxiety and we don't need that. We need you to be okay, yeah?"

"Ugh, fine." - Tyler roll his eyes and crosses his arms on his chest annoyed. He opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it closed when quick footsteps approach the door. 

After a second, the door opens and reveals Ruby, dressed in pink, puffy dress that she (and Josh, be he prefers to deny it) chose a few days ago. Her feet are covered with tiny, golden boots that make her look like a funny cowboy, but Tyler doesn't dare to comment on it. Her hair falls down her shoulders gracefully, in thick curls- _wait a minute._

"Ruby?" - Tyler calls her surprised. "I clearly remember pinning you hair up this morning, young lady."

"Oh, um, about that,-" - The girls stutters, avoiding her father's gaze.

"Ruby." 

"Jackson asked for a bobby-pin to sneak into Brallon's hotel room." - She says quickly and finally dares to look up and meet Tyler's eyes.

Tyler's brows rise up in surprise.

"First of all, why would you help him to do that?! And second,-"

"What the hell is _Brallon?_ " - Josh asks from where he's standing near the window.

"It's Brenny's and Dallon's ship name!" - Ruby announces, grinning widely at her dads. "Like Frerad, for Gee and Frankie!"

"A _what_ name?!"

"Don't be jealous! You have your own ship name!" - She continues. 

"Oh God, I'm scared to even ask-"

"Joshler!" - Ruby yells proudly. Josh slaps a palm on his face and shakes his head disappointed, while Tyler sits down on the bed slowly and gulps. "Okay, I'm gonna go get my bobby-pin back!"

The girl disappears behind the doors, leaving her parents stunned and shock.

"Remind me, why did we decide to have children?" - Tyler asks quietly. Josh chuckles and shrugs.

"I still ask myself that question."

__

 

"I can't believe i've lived long enough to witness you finally getting married." - Gerard sniffs and wipes tears away with a napkin. 

"Please, stop embarassing me." - Mikey grits out, as he flashes a fake smile to the guests who pass by. "And for God's sake, take that stupid tie off!"

"It's an Iron Man one." - Gerard protests. He stares at Mikey for a moment, then another wave of sobs washes over him and he weeps harder into the napkin. Mikey rolls his eyes annoyed and looks around for a familiar silhouette. He finally spots him near the bar and steps over there. He pushes through the crowd, greeting and thanking guest on his way and finally approaches his destination.

"Your husband is drunk and emotional and horribly, horribly embarrasing." - He flops on the chair beside Frank. 

Frank turns around, holding two glasses of wine in his hands.

"Oh, I was just getting him drinks." - He mumbles. "Where is he?"

Mikey glances around the wedding hall and notices his brother's bright, red hair.

"Oh, no. He's talking with Kristin's parents." - He panics. "Frank, do something. He's gonna tell them the storied from my childhood and I'm not sure i'm ready for a divorce."

"Oops. I'll get him." - Frank disappears in the crowd and Mikey sighs with a relief. He sips from his glass and closes his eyes. Finally, a few minutes for him to relax after an emotional day. He can sit here and enjoy his own company while his wife chats with guest and-

Something hard and heavy slams beside him. Mikey doesn't have enough time to roll his eyes, because an arm is thrown over his shoulder and he is being squeezed into the warm chest.

"You're married!" - Dallon slurs loudly. "Our bird has finally found his nest! Out flower has met his bee! Our boy-"

"Enough." - Brendon nudges his side and shuts him up. His suit is long forgotten somewhere in the toilet, shirt almost undone completely and hair is a huge mess. He grins at Mikey and still manages to pull off this mess and look like a model.

"You disgust me." - Mikey wriggles out of Dallon's embrace and straightens up. "How did everyone manage to get so terribly drunk?!" 

"We're celebrating!" - Another voice answers beside him. He rolls his eyes at the sight of neon-colored hair.

"Great. So I'm the only one who's sober enough to walk straight?"

"I'm sober, too." - Tyler says as he sits down beside Josh. "Don't know about the straight part, though."

"Dis-gus-ting!" - Mikey yelps. He looks around in search of his beautiful, sober wife and finally spots her in the middle of the room. "Gotta go, duty calls. Please, try not to get too smashed."

"Will-Will try!"

"And where are your kids?" - Mikey remembers to ask.

"With Patrick." - Josh answers as he takes another shot of vodka. "Somewhere on the terrace, I think."

"Horrible, horrible parents." - Mikey shakes his head disappointed and gets away.

Brendon shifts closer to Josh, who is now struggling to get out of his suit.

"In count of three, race to Gerard. Loser gets to take kids to school every morning for the next month."

"Deal." - Josh nods.

"Three."

Brendon slips down from the chair and bends his knees, getting ready to run with speed of light.

"Two."

Josh taps his feet and holds his breath.

"One-"

"Urie, don't you dare!" - Dallon yells, but realizes he's too late as he sees his husband racing towards Gerard with Josh by his side. 

"You think they're gonna crash?" - Tyler asks with a calm voice.

"I'm sure they will."

They do.

They slam at poor Gerard with a full-force, sending him down to the floor and landing on top of him in a big, crumpled mess. Frank, who was standing beside Gerard, blinks down at them in complete awe, with wide eyes and opened mouth. 

"Fucking hell." - They hear Mikey's muttering from somewhere behind them. Tyler shrugs and sips his apple juice.

"Mine won. I'm gonna tell Ruby you'll drive her to school fro the next month." - He says and walks away proudly.

Dallon sighs and shakes his head. 

"Every time." - He whispers. "Every God damn time."


End file.
